It's time to change.

[joss]

You must be very strong and have lots of patience!!

Haha. If only you knew, BT13. Just the opposite, in fact but I'm getting a bit better. It's taken me 4.5 years to finally say enough is enough. I feel numb at the moment. And very sad.

Hang in there as this will be a bumpy ride!

It has been very bumpy so far, but now we've seperated I feel the bumps will be just concerning my healing.

Can you please tell us more about what other stuff has happened with your M?

I think that'll end up being a very long story!

Before we married we had a great life together: lots of foreigh travel, living abroad, always spending time together: films, gigs, listening to lots of music. We were incredibly close. I know we both thought our relatioship was perfect then.

When the kids came along H was in a great job and very happy with his life. I made the decision to stay at home and take care of the kids and in hindsight, things changed as a result of this decision.

While H was in a job that he loved, everything was fine at home. But in 2009 he was threatened with redundancy and in April 2011 he lost his beloved job. He was forced to apply for the only other job left in his workplace just to pay the bills at home for his family. He has HATED this new job ever since and he has resented me as a result. He feels trapped. And I can see why.

I must tell you the reason I choose to bring up our children at home a s I guess it's very important: I was an illigitimate child to a young mum in the 60s. I lived with my grandparents until I was 7 and then taken to live with my mum and her new boyfriend. I was a very unhappy child from the age of 7 as the people who I had bonded with were no longer around for me and I was having to live with 2 people I didn't know. As a result of this, it was incredibly important to me that I bring up my kids myself, giving them a stable, loving homelife that I never had. H understood this need in me, but I guess he continued to resent me for not only getting what I wanted (even though he never said anything at the time) but for him having to take total responsibility for his family and being stuck in a job he hated. I can fully appreciate this.

So anyway...H's started his EA at the same time as this. They both bonded over this redundancy and I guess he has felt entitled to 'her' as a result.

Has your H indicated what he has been unhappy about in more specifics?

According to H:
We have grown apart because he has grown as a result of working for the past 15 years but I haven't grown as a result of looking after the kids, so we are now out of sync
I haven't been there for him (to share responsibility for the family - he feels he has hd to do it all on his own, and continues to do so now he isn't living with us)
OW is his intellectual equal and they can debate about things that are important to him, whereas I'm a creative type and not good with words/debate. H likes to be challenged.

What are some things that you contributed to your M that you need to work on?

neediness (I have been forced to deal with this over the past 4.5 years and it has been really painful)
need for attention
insecurity
lack of self confidence
quick to judge
short tempered

On the whole, I need to work on getting back into doing the things I love: watching films, reading, going to see live music/festivals. I have got out of the habit of doing these things.

We all contributed to our M in negative ways and have things we need to work on.

Working on you Is not to be done for your M or H, but for you.

This is all I have left now. I want to do it for myself as it is important that I give my kids as good a role model as I can and I want to take full resposibility for my part in the breakdown of my marriage.

I have put off asking H to leave for over 6 months (we haven't communicated to each other for that long despite living in the same house) because I was aware that H's job is, once again, on the rocks and he is expecting to lose it in the next few months. I have tried really hard to stop him losing his wife, kids, house and security by being as caring and understanding as I could, but now he is faced with no job prospects and no career path, too. How will he cope? It is surely far too much for one person to handle. I suppose I can expect a whole load more resentment coming my way. I feel really guilty at my contribution to this problem and knowing I get the house, kids and his money is tearing me apart.

I have no idea how to help him. It feels heartless 'dropping the rope' in his predicament, but what more can I do?