What does Retrouvaille mean anyways? Are you and W back together?
I agree with what you are saying above. Its tough love I guess. The bulk of the reasoning is no house and finances not where she thought they should be. We had counseling last August and it went well. I worked hard on everything that was brought up and I was working on being a better dad and husband, not that I was bad before. It all kind of blew up at once and now she wont even talk to me. I think if one of the "ifs" were not there I could have worked on the rest. It was just too much for her at once. Not all that long ago we had a solid M and she would do anything to keep it and make it better. Lots have changed. I do think that depression and the meds she is taking have a lot to do with this.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
What does Retrouvaille mean anyways? Are you and W back together?
I agree with what you are saying above. Its tough love I guess. The bulk of the reasoning is no house and finances not where she thought they should be. We had counseling last August and it went well. I worked hard on everything that was brought up and I was working on being a better dad and husband, not that I was bad before. It all kind of blew up at once and now she wont even talk to me. I think if one of the "ifs" were not there I could have worked on the rest. It was just too much for her at once. Not all that long ago we had a solid M and she would do anything to keep it and make it better. Lots have changed. I do think that depression and the meds she is taking have a lot to do with this.
It means "Rediscovery" ... its a program for marriages, Catholic based. Yes, W announced in Mar she did not want to D, wanted to work on the M, was not for a few months this actually happened. We have been slowly working on things, I have slowly been moving in with her over the past 2 months.
Thing is .. she was looking for an out. The 'IFs' listed are shallow at best and I think you see that ... however you think .. ok if I do this she will love me, she then moves the hoop and its another if... If I do that she will love me .. again .. the hoop moves. The cycle continues and you never get to the goal ... because that goal line is forever moving away from you.
Truth is ... she looked at her life and realized its not all she imagined as a little girl ... reality will never live up to this fantasy, This is called disillusionment and its common, I thought as a boy I would marry and my wife would dress like Mrs Cleaver and bring me sandwiches every day ... we either realize this is life ... or we get upset about where we are and looks like in your case its easier for her to blame it all on you rather than own her share of the issue.
Ahhh Retrouvaille... sounds like a paradise to me at this point.
She really kept quiet about what she wanted because she didn't want to stress me out, she wanted to show support and didn't want to cause issues. It was pent up for so long and finally all came out at once. I knew what she wanted and we wanted the same thing. SHe just reached her breaking point.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Look, I don't know you or anything about you other than what you've shared in your posts here.
But I think you are doing a tremendous disservice to yourself if your only takeaway from your W walking out on your family is that you should have invested better.
Azzork, I know you mean well, I really do and I appreciate it. Up until a couple of years ago we had a great R and M. Kids were great and happy. If you asked anyone back then that knew us they would all say the same thing including W and me. Anytime we had even the slightest falling out bigger than a disagreement W would get so worried and upset that something bigger was wrong. "we have such a great marriage and family, lets discuss whatever is wrong and fix it, please" is how she would react. I always felt bad about that, like she cared more than me. Any of our friends and family would say that our M and R was the most solid and best they have seen. Then around 2 years ago she became a little more distant and less tolerant and didn't put up with me anytime I withdrew and got quiet (rarely). Then in August 2014 we had a falling out and went to a C for a while. We worked it out (I thought), I focussed heavily on our M and R, did a ton more around the house, took on all of many chores (laundry etc), worked with her side by side in the kitchen, told her she was beautiful, ILY, great cook, bought her nice thoughtful gifts regularly, was more available with kids etc. I gave it 100% effort. I noticed along the way that she wasn't really trying any harder, she was just watching me, waiting for me to slip up. Then in May we had a falling out again and that was it. I guess my point is that this is especially hard because I tried so hard and I did change. Maybe she didn't believe in the changes, maybe she felt guilty, maybe she just didn't love me anymore... I don't know. She still says at times she loves me and misses me but now "we have gone too far, too much damage done". I did invest better, I did the things she wanted me to do but it didn't make any difference. If I didn't give a s*%t and didn't try this past year maybe I would get it. I still think that part of this is she is depressed and has been taking the anti depression meds. She is just not acting like herself, totally different. Besides, how can anyone go through this and not blame themselves at least somewhat? I blame myself a lot.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Last night I went to bed feeling stronger and mad at w for doing this to me and our family and today I wake up feeling lonely with little hope for the future. It's been so long since I've seen my girls and spent any quality time with them I keep worrying they are going to forget about me and all the great times we had. I'm having doubts about my lawyer as well. I interviewed 3 and all seemed to have different ideas about what support I would have to pay and if w could get a small inheritance I have. Lots of anxiety about all this.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Not so great day going from bad to worse. I got an email to our family address from a dog breeder. W is buying a puppy for our girls this fall. The reason this hurts is I always promised our girls that as soon as we bought a house I would buy them a puppy. It was always a dream of mine and now she is doing it without me.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
What really [censored] is I am sure that she is either thinking about getting another man or already has one in the wings based on how quickly this all went down. Any thoughts anyone? Im feeling so left behind now.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Now I am on the countdown to them coming back in 8 days and what I am sure will be legal action once she settles back in. Feeling pretty hopeless... anyone?
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
It sounds like when you "changed", it sounds like you picked out the things she said she wanted and did them. That you changed exactly as she requested. Unfortunately, as you can now see, that just doesn't work. It's hard to trust and it's not sustainable. It's not about pretzel ing yourself to become the person you think they want you to be - it's about taking their criticisms and molding you into the person you want to be.
For example, I always used to ask my wife to do some stupid chore as I was walking out of the house in the morning - clean the dishes, start some laundry, whatever. And she would never do it. and, of course I'd be mad. But it wasn't about that chore. It was that I thought she was being lazy.
As for what you do now, you go back to the beginning, read the homework and really start to look for your failings in your M. If you don't make changes in yourself, there can be no change in your R with your W.
Regarding the legal action, I say "so what". You can't contrpl it, and it really doesn't matter much. You're more or less divorced right now - what difference does the piece of paper make? And even if you get all the way to being DIVORCED, there's no rule that you can't get back together.
So focus on the things you can control: you. Your actions. Your reactions.
