Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

So I bought the ebook for no more mr nice guy. Read it. Thanks Starsky309 for the recommendation. Pretty eye opening. I was totally codependent. I would not classify myself as being completely that way in my core, but I definitely didn't put myself first in anything. I had weakness.

My STBX has borderline personality disorder and a big helping of Narcissism. I never had a partner who was capable of loving me. She broke me down and abused me. I tried to model what kindness and love looked like, but her behavior pushed me away. Locked me down. It was ridiculous to put up with it all those years. I realized this morning that the affair has been going on for a while. She has been scheming, ling and manipulating me.

I was clinging to the delusional belief, buried in my mind since I was a kid, that you didn't give up on marriage. But really, I think it was the desire for that to not be my story. I didn't want to believe that life could turn out this way. There is so much momentum in it that you believe the lie. You fight your intuition. You fight the truth, and in doing so you believe more and more lies.

For the first time since I met her, I don't care what she thinks or does. I care about my kids. I'm not saying this with malice, but detachment.

I have been a fool. But for the first time in years, this morning I can actually imagine happiness. I realized that life can be beautiful, and that I don't have to feel like I did. That its ok to think of myself. To do what I want without judgement. That I can find someone else. Someone who I can run the race with. A partner. Someone I can give my love to, who will cherish me and my heart. Someone that I can laugh with. I have a long road ahead to get well, to give up on these stupid behaviors. This thing in me that has thought that if I was selfless, I would have a happy life. But that's impossible.

I am still in a holding pattern about my next step, but in my heart I've decided to file for divorce. This is not a relationship worth saving. I don't like her anymore, and I'm only 36 years old. I still can find happiness. Even alone, it's better.

I am still contemplating all the options regarding exposing the affair. I am going to ask my IC, and find what my legal rights are and whether this could impact anything. If it gets twisted around on me, then it would damage me and my children.

Thanks everyone for reading and being here for me through this. I have dug into a lot of posts by you all that are on other people's threads and I have to say that you guys are some wise and stand-up dudes. You really helped me. Thank you so much.