I read the 5 languages of love and think I discovered hers which are acts of service. Whenever we had a discussion it would be out there at the front of her complaints of things she does for us because she likes to. That was the first area I started exploring first and did see improvements but I also said kind words, tried to spend as much quality time as possible and be physically affectionate (not sex).
More than a heart to heart I told her what I wanted and did not want my marriage to be like. Like this. Empty and unfulfilling. To be honest and looking back it was me doing the most talking. She listened and only picked on some remarks she didn't agree with or to poke at. I never really heard her say that she wanted this to work. I would say that if we are to have a life together bla bla she would keep quiet. Sometimes she would ask a question about something discussed earlier in the future of a possible move sort of implying a notion of coming as well. When we had a discussion she changed the whatsapp profile to include some meaningful lyrics. However hand on heart I never heard her layout any rules or conditions about a reconciliation. It was more like she is tagging along keeping quiet. When I then say something she quickly refers to the fact she never made any promises. This is true. She also used to say that she does not love like I want to be loved and why dont I find someone who does.
I am therefore really lost and agree these actions or backslides lose any ground covered. My concern however that I do not if I am being played as option B until she finds a job, maybe OM (though doubt it) or if she really is intent on trying to make this work in her own way.
She does have some issues with people, when she was made redundant no one really maintained any contact with her not even suppliers who were buddy buddy, her facebook has about 60 people mostly by her requests and her life was centered around going to the gym. She did start to spend more time at home as I said earlier and things were smooth but then the moment I initiate a physical contact hold her hand (she will go limp wristed says its childish), in bed if I spoon she says I give off heat and have to back off, if i put an arm around her waist or leg she will move around to a position where I can no longer hold that position so we break contact. If i dont touch her she will go for a long time sleeping in that position. When I left for a trip she gave me apeck and when I got back and tried to give her a peck she pulled to one side for the cheek saying about morning breath. Im not all about sex, I also like those small hugs and things and dont ask for earth shattering signs of contact but a squeeze here, small hug there fills my tank and lets me know she cares.
The way I saw it was that if I am upset for something then during that period no contact is normal but if things are going fine then surely some contact even minor should be there no matter what your love language is.
As I said before my concern is really why she is here, and from that maybe apply the correct attitude detach or continue the tlc until one day she cracks in the mid/long term future?
we have not had meaningful physical contact (not only sex) for many many years. I tried as best I could to get us through some hard times to a more stable life to only wake up one morning and find out someone else had filled her love tank and only to continue accepting gifts and going on trips while at the same time keeping the EA going.
If I were to go for B and contnue with TLC to find out I had been played again I would be devastated so I am just afraid of getting hurt.
The smartphone was maybe not the best call but I saw it as continuing to give her the whole package in return for a small percent.
