I told her I didn't want to end up like her... depressed, unfulfilled and disapponted in life and everyone. Hiding from a half marriage in a gym or for a time relying on a 3rd party.
I wanted to be happy, be in a full marriage where I was involved both emotionally and physically. I did not want to end up looking for consolation with a pro or OW. I was 48 and wanted what remained of my life to be normal and in general happy. I was a good guy and saw who I was and who I was becoming and thought I deserved better than this. Whatever relationship I was going to get involved in had to be the full package, the real deal.
Right now each one of us had control of their own lives as individuals but marriage wise she had a say.
I also accepted the gift, thanked her and told her I was returning to our bed. I had not done anything to be exiled for so long and had as much right as her and ended it by saying that I do not know how this was going to end but arguing over bedspace and gifts was not the answer.
We went to bed had some small talk about events and our son and fell asleep.
The next morning...
She woke up as usual before me, then did I but come her time to go to the gym she was still doing things around the house and then began to move my stuff from the main bathroom to our private one in the master bedroom where we slept. Unexpected.
As I left for my trip I thanked her (she began to tell me not to start) and I interrupted her by saying I appreciated she was still here and it meant a lo to me and began to leave. As I turned round to close the door she was in the doorway and came up and gave me a peck on the lips and wished me a nice trip. It was not smooth as when things were good but I am NOT complaining. For the first time in years I was speechless. Too much too sudden.
I will never understand women but now feel more pressure to not c.o.c.k. it up.
I still wonder how the change as I do not feel as if I exactly did anything special or mindblowing and am sure I broke a few rules here.
I know that some other things i did do were done thanks to DB rules so once again appreciate the advice. If it hadnt been for DB I would have done all the wrong things for the right reasons.
I told her I didn't want to end up like her... depressed, unfulfilled and disapponted in life and everyone. Hiding from a half marriage in a gym or for a time relying on a 3rd party.
I wanted to be happy, be in a full marriage where I was involved both emotionally and physically. I did not want to end up looking for consolation with a pro or OW. I was 48 and wanted what remained of my life to be normal and in general happy. I was a good guy and saw who I was and who I was becoming and thought I deserved better than this. Whatever relationship I was going to get involved in had to be the full package, the real deal.
Right now each one of us had control of their own lives as individuals but marriage wise she had a say.
I also accepted the gift, thanked her and told her I was returning to our bed. I had not done anything to be exiled for so long and had as much right as her and ended it by saying that I do not know how this was going to end but arguing over bedspace and gifts was not the answer.
We went to bed had some small talk about events and our son and fell asleep.
The next morning...
She woke up as usual before me, then did I but come her time to go to the gym she was still doing things around the house and then began to move my stuff from the main bathroom to our private one in the master bedroom where we slept. Unexpected.
As I left for my trip I thanked her (she began to tell me not to start) and I interrupted her by saying I appreciated she was still here and it meant a lo to me and began to leave. As I turned round to close the door she was in the doorway and came up and gave me a peck on the lips and wished me a nice trip. It was not smooth as when things were good but I am NOT complaining. For the first time in years I was speechless. Too much too sudden.
I will never understand women but now feel more pressure to not c.o.c.k. it up.
I still wonder how the change as I do not feel as if I exactly did anything special or mindblowing and am sure I broke a few rules here.
I know that some other things i did do were done thanks to DB rules so once again appreciate the advice. If it hadnt been for DB I would have done all the wrong things for the right reasons.
I told her I didn't want to end up like her... depressed, unfulfilled and disapponted in life and everyone. Hiding from a half marriage in a gym or for a time relying on a 3rd party.
I wanted to be happy, be in a full marriage where I was involved both emotionally and physically. I did not want to end up looking for consolation with a pro or OW. I was 48 and wanted what remained of my life to be normal and in general happy. I was a good guy and saw who I was and who I was becoming and thought I deserved better than this. Whatever relationship I was going to get involved in had to be the full package, the real deal.
Right now each one of us had control of their own lives as individuals but marriage wise she had a say.
I also accepted the gift, thanked her and told her I was returning to our bed. I had not done anything to be exiled for so long and had as much right as her and ended it by saying that I do not know how this was going to end but arguing over bedspace and gifts was not the answer.
We went to bed had some small talk about events and our son and fell asleep.
The next morning...
She woke up as usual before me, then did I but come her time to go to the gym she was still doing things around the house and then began to move my stuff from the main bathroom to our private one in the master bedroom where we slept. Unexpected.
As I left for my trip I thanked her (she began to tell me not to start) and I interrupted her by saying I appreciated she was still here and it meant a lo to me and began to leave. As I turned round to close the door she was in the doorway and came up and gave me a peck on the lips and wished me a nice trip. It was not smooth as when things were good but I am NOT complaining. For the first time in years I was speechless. Too much too sudden.
I will never understand women but now feel more pressure to not c.o.c.k. it up.
I still wonder how the change as I do not feel as if I exactly did anything special or mindblowing and am sure I broke a few rules here.
I know that some other things i did do were done thanks to DB rules so once again appreciate the advice. If it hadnt been for DB I would have done all the wrong things for the right reasons.
Last night had a bust up with W over the no intimacy thing. I have been giving this a lot of thought and to be honest I think it was staring me in the face but I was completely missing it.
I see other H&W enduring a lot of crap but still ML even when they know their S is with OW/M. Some of them even get hugs and kisses while things are tense.
If things are better on one level where you talk, smile, laugh, sleep in same bed and there are hints from your S of a future together why is it so damn hard to give a hug, kiss or some other sign of affection....unless of course you don't love the person as a lover or spouse.
I always initiated contact but never got a reply and even in bed if i touched her i noticed it was uncomfortable feeling. Here also lied my confusion, on the one hand being loving and her friend made us advance to this stage where we maxed out. If I changed the action and detached it created some tension so following MWD advice I did more of what worked and less of what didn't or did I?
Anyway I told her last Monday I was not going to keep on being in a half marriage. For her it does seem perfect as it was the type of marriage we had until now (me giving her space and everything I have to offer money wise). The problem was when I found out about the EA. So I see again a pattern of comfort for her where she again has everything with the only price now that I sleep in the same bed. She btw has been out of a job for 2.5 years.
I therefore called her out, If I was to live in a half marriage being friendly but not being able to get what I find a deal breaker - affection - then why should she have all the benefits of a 100% committed wife if she still feels this ILYB... emotion. The moment she decides to take the step to really committ will she also have my full 100% commitment.
Obviously I can't employ the same emotionally detach symptom so I pulled her first privilege. Took away her smartphone and gave her a normal phone where she can sms and navigate and call but its not the S6 anymore. her reaction was really really disturbing. She blew a fit, threatened to break my PC which I use for work, struggled to take it from me but with no luck and ended up kicking, punching and scratching me. I did not react and let her hit me (did not hurt physically as I do martial arts and weights and have a 70lbs weight advantage over her). I have never laid a hand on her. Once she was finished she got dressed, lef and drove off in her car. That was early morning and 4 hours later arrived home to do house chores.
I don't know if I did the right thing but I really am tired and running very low on fuel. I have a chance to change country and live elsewhere but it is a big step and I do not know if I have the strength to do it.
Doing so also has a lot of complications as our son is still at home and would have to either move abroad with me or go live with his mother at his grandparents appartment (says he would not do that). Additionally I would still have to pay off a small amount.
I am really torn in 2 and have no idea what to do.
Yes I love her, no I do not want to D her but if you divide the relationship level in 2 parts with A the day to day friendly interaction with B the intimate physical interaction we would be in say A7 B0 how can I be expected to live a married life with these differences?
That's a long post, and I have many thoughts, but it's hard to get it all replied on my phone. Here's some thoughts:
1) have you read 5 Love Languages? You keep referring to "half a marriage", but I think you're missing the point. For you, it seems, affection is measured in physical touch - hugs, kisses, ML, etc. It's copletwly possible that she shows and RECEIVES her affection in different ways. For her, maybe spending a day together makes her feel loved and feel like she's loving you.
2) you can't just put your foot down and force her to change on your timeline. You can't say "you need to have sex with me or you can't have a smartphone." How do you think that is making her feel? You said you had a heart to heart less than 2 weeks ago. And now you're expecting things to move at a breakneck speed. And you're PUNISHING her for not going at your pace.
I'd advise you to really think about what you want. Do you think that doing these kinds of things are getting you CLOSER to those goals? I can't possibly imagine that it is.
why is it so damn hard to give a hug, kiss or some other sign of affection....unless of course you don't love the person as a lover or spouse.
Azzork knocked it out of the park here. You are defining love as physical touch, and maybe she does acts of service to express love.
I must admit that having a person in your life that has the same love language is an awesome thing. It does not always work that way as the end of my 28 year marriage can prove.
I read the 5 languages of love and think I discovered hers which are acts of service. Whenever we had a discussion it would be out there at the front of her complaints of things she does for us because she likes to. That was the first area I started exploring first and did see improvements but I also said kind words, tried to spend as much quality time as possible and be physically affectionate (not sex).
More than a heart to heart I told her what I wanted and did not want my marriage to be like. Like this. Empty and unfulfilling. To be honest and looking back it was me doing the most talking. She listened and only picked on some remarks she didn't agree with or to poke at. I never really heard her say that she wanted this to work. I would say that if we are to have a life together bla bla she would keep quiet. Sometimes she would ask a question about something discussed earlier in the future of a possible move sort of implying a notion of coming as well. When we had a discussion she changed the whatsapp profile to include some meaningful lyrics. However hand on heart I never heard her layout any rules or conditions about a reconciliation. It was more like she is tagging along keeping quiet. When I then say something she quickly refers to the fact she never made any promises. This is true. She also used to say that she does not love like I want to be loved and why dont I find someone who does.
I am therefore really lost and agree these actions or backslides lose any ground covered. My concern however that I do not if I am being played as option B until she finds a job, maybe OM (though doubt it) or if she really is intent on trying to make this work in her own way.
She does have some issues with people, when she was made redundant no one really maintained any contact with her not even suppliers who were buddy buddy, her facebook has about 60 people mostly by her requests and her life was centered around going to the gym. She did start to spend more time at home as I said earlier and things were smooth but then the moment I initiate a physical contact hold her hand (she will go limp wristed says its childish), in bed if I spoon she says I give off heat and have to back off, if i put an arm around her waist or leg she will move around to a position where I can no longer hold that position so we break contact. If i dont touch her she will go for a long time sleeping in that position. When I left for a trip she gave me apeck and when I got back and tried to give her a peck she pulled to one side for the cheek saying about morning breath. Im not all about sex, I also like those small hugs and things and dont ask for earth shattering signs of contact but a squeeze here, small hug there fills my tank and lets me know she cares.
The way I saw it was that if I am upset for something then during that period no contact is normal but if things are going fine then surely some contact even minor should be there no matter what your love language is.
As I said before my concern is really why she is here, and from that maybe apply the correct attitude detach or continue the tlc until one day she cracks in the mid/long term future?
we have not had meaningful physical contact (not only sex) for many many years. I tried as best I could to get us through some hard times to a more stable life to only wake up one morning and find out someone else had filled her love tank and only to continue accepting gifts and going on trips while at the same time keeping the EA going.
If I were to go for B and contnue with TLC to find out I had been played again I would be devastated so I am just afraid of getting hurt.
The smartphone was maybe not the best call but I saw it as continuing to give her the whole package in return for a small percent.
