have i been making mistakes too long part 4

[MrBond]

I don't get it.

She didn't call you because she didn't want to ask you for a favor. You fix her car even though she didn't ask you to, and you call that abuse.

And then you tell her that you will not be her maintenance man (even though she didn't ask you to be). And then you say you are not going to let HER negative attitude affect you.

Seems like you did all that to yourself. I can see why she says she feels like she's on eggshells. You don't seem to like things outside of your control. That's how she feels.

It appears that is what you need to work on.

[dwh15]

I have to agree with MrBond. Why did you fix her car when she made a point to NOT ask you for help? This was anti-DB. First, you're still helping her do things which she needs to be doing herself, so that she learns to appreciate what she had. Second, you're picking fights and taking control in a situation where it was totally unnecessary. She wants her space, and you keep barging into it. Of course she mentioned wanting D again. If you keep doing things this way, that's exactly what you're going to get.

[tkdmme]

I left some things out of the story. First off her car is the same car that take my kids to school everymorning. Maybe I'm wrong here but I feel it's my duty as a father to make sure they have reliable transportation. Second, once she had the car home and saw that she couldn't fix it, she asked for help.

As far as the fight, she kept bringing up the past. Saying she's been alone for ten years and that divorce wouldn't be any different. Again, maybe I'm wrong but I'm tired of being painted as someone I was not. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way but it was not fair to continue to say these sorts of things.

Then she said she was trying to keep a stable home for our kids. This blew my mind and yes I got pretty angry. I said, you want a stable home and a divorce? This didn't make sence to me.

So i know i didn't handle the situation correctly. Im just feel tired of being accused of being someone I'm not. I have owned my mistakes. I wish she would stop bringing them back up.

[tkdmme]

Also, I have a hard time putting things into words. I agree with you both on your replies but I was angry when I wrote that post. I skipped some pertinent info. Reading this morning I can see where I sound like an idiot.

She called before she left work to ask if I would check the oil in her car. It didn't make sence to me that she would ask me that and then not call when her battery died.

I'm just have to get used to things I don't understand.

[tkdmme]

Mr. Bond,

You hit the nail on the head. Before this I would have never thought I had control issue. This is exactly one of my biggest problems. I try in vain to control things beyond my control. I have always been mr. Fix it. I can't fix my r with my w and it is maddening.

[tkdmme]

Yes, last night was a set back. I didn't handle it right but I'm not giving up. Thank you guys for your honesty.

I'm so sick of failing. I feel like such an idiot. How do you guys do this without making mistakes? I thought I was getting better and detaching but maybe I'm wrong. I listen to my family too much. They tell me that I should just get on with my life and forget about her. I'm not ready for that yet.

[mutatio]

tkdmme, its a new day and live it the way you feel you should. Follow your heart and not your head. Accept you situation and live with it. Your marital situation will not get worse if you treat your wife with loving kindness. That does not mean be her doormat. Just be compassionate to her. Treat her with emotional respect. Don't give up, change. If you don't change how can you expect her to.

[Huddy]

You don't make progress without mistakes. The theory is you keep doing what works and don't do what doesn't. You're allowed to go backwards, as such. W will talk in absolute negatives. Remember the 0/50 rule from sandi2's list? Re-read as required.

[Azzork]

Tkd -
Breathe. We all make mistakes. Nobody here is perfect. A lot of this is so counter intuitive that it's easy to react to something in a completely non-DB way.

You said this

Again, maybe I'm wrong but I'm tired of being painted as someone I was not.

I think this sentence is a lot of your problem.

1) you can't control her or the people she's talking to. They are going to say and believe whatever they want. Your W may tell you that you have a horn coming out of your forehead. If that's what she sees, then to her, it's real, even if every single other person knows there is no horn. If she believes it, then to her, it's true.

2) you have to get out of her head. There's no defending yourself. There's no being "right" here. It's not about that anymore. It's not that you give her everything she wants, but it's about picking battles. If there's something you know you can't win, what's the point in fighting about it?

3) this process is LONG. You've been here what, 6 weeks? You've been married what, 15 YEARS? You're not going to fix a problem that's taken that long to build in a few days. This is a months long process - I've heard maybe a month per year of marriage. Things are likely going to get a LOT worse before they get better. You better thicken your skin a little.

[tkdmme]

Yep 0/50 would have helped me last night. I don't know why I let her words hurt me so much. I guess the more I detach the less those words will hurt. I know I can't control what she thinks of me or what she tells other people. It's just so hard not to defend myself.