Hi. I am new here, although unfortunately not new to MLC. My H has been having an EA since April 2011 (4.5 years) with a work colleague. They both became close as a result of being threatened with redundancy together. H had to apply for another job in the company that he didn't want (and hates to this day) just to pay the bills. He resents me for this.
I allowed him to stay home with myself and the chldren (ages 8, 14 and 15) as he kept telling me he didn't want to leave or split up our family and that he'd stop his relationship. However, I saw a message from H to OW last week by accident asking her to come and find him and they would go and find a new life together. I asked him to leave. I have been unable to talk to him since. I have been so stupid to allow him stay for so long, making my life very sad. I feel that I am through. I am sick of the disrespect.
For the past 6 months he has been severely depressed - constantly looking out of the window and withdrawing. Little interaction with the children. None with me. No physical tough. He told me his relationship had finished so I assumed it was OW withdrawal, along with reaching rock bottom. But no. He was withdrawn because of the guilt. He told me he never wanted to leave me and the kids. Yet he refuses/is unable to leave OW.
I have been reading some people's threads on this site and the tone of the guidence/help offered is very considered and helpful. Since H has been gone (2 weeks) a lot of things have come up in my head, telling me that I have participated much more than I previously though in H's MLC. I know I didn't cause it, but I know I have contributed to it and would appreciate help in recognising where I've been going wrong. It is strange that with a bit of head-space, how differently we see the world. It is time to change.
Thank you all in advance for any help offered.
Joss
Married Dec. 1997 EA discovered April 2011 H lived at home until August 10th 2015 Separated August 10th 2015 kids aged 8. 14 and 15 I think we're done.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here, Joss. I can't believe you have been at this so long already. You must be very strong and have lots of patience!! Those are good attributes for DB. This thing we are all going through (censored)!! However, you have found yourself in great company on this forum, which literally is a lifesaver. You will receive lots of great advice, so be sure to use it.
Just a few tips to start:
*Use a signature so that others have an easy way to reference your situation. You can do that under my stuff.
*A good starting point is to read all of the links that Cadet sent, especially Sandi's 37. Sandi's list will help you with knowing how to interact with your H.
*Post often, especially at the beginning so vets and others get a better idea of what is going on so they can give advice. Plus, there are lots of others on newcomers so in order to keep your thread on first couple of pages you need to post frequently.
*The key to DB is focusing on you. You need to start with GAL and some goals for yourself. Have you started doing this?
Can you please tell us more about what other stuff has happened with you M? Has your H indicated what he has been unhappy about in more specifics? What are some things that you contributed to your M that you need to work on? We all contributed to our M in negative ways and have things we need to work on. Working on you Is not to be done for your M or H, but for you.
Hang in there as this will be a bumpy ride!
Last edited by BT13; 08/22/1512:36 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You must be very strong and have lots of patience!!
Haha. If only you knew, BT13. Just the opposite, in fact but I'm getting a bit better. It's taken me 4.5 years to finally say enough is enough. I feel numb at the moment. And very sad.
Quote:
Hang in there as this will be a bumpy ride!
It has been very bumpy so far, but now we've seperated I feel the bumps will be just concerning my healing.
Quote:
Can you please tell us more about what other stuff has happened with your M?
I think that'll end up being a very long story!
Before we married we had a great life together: lots of foreigh travel, living abroad, always spending time together: films, gigs, listening to lots of music. We were incredibly close. I know we both thought our relatioship was perfect then.
When the kids came along H was in a great job and very happy with his life. I made the decision to stay at home and take care of the kids and in hindsight, things changed as a result of this decision.
While H was in a job that he loved, everything was fine at home. But in 2009 he was threatened with redundancy and in April 2011 he lost his beloved job. He was forced to apply for the only other job left in his workplace just to pay the bills at home for his family. He has HATED this new job ever since and he has resented me as a result. He feels trapped. And I can see why.
I must tell you the reason I choose to bring up our children at home a s I guess it's very important: I was an illigitimate child to a young mum in the 60s. I lived with my grandparents until I was 7 and then taken to live with my mum and her new boyfriend. I was a very unhappy child from the age of 7 as the people who I had bonded with were no longer around for me and I was having to live with 2 people I didn't know. As a result of this, it was incredibly important to me that I bring up my kids myself, giving them a stable, loving homelife that I never had. H understood this need in me, but I guess he continued to resent me for not only getting what I wanted (even though he never said anything at the time) but for him having to take total responsibility for his family and being stuck in a job he hated. I can fully appreciate this.
So anyway...H's started his EA at the same time as this. They both bonded over this redundancy and I guess he has felt entitled to 'her' as a result.
Quote:
Has your H indicated what he has been unhappy about in more specifics?
According to H: We have grown apart because he has grown as a result of working for the past 15 years but I haven't grown as a result of looking after the kids, so we are now out of sync I haven't been there for him (to share responsibility for the family - he feels he has hd to do it all on his own, and continues to do so now he isn't living with us) OW is his intellectual equal and they can debate about things that are important to him, whereas I'm a creative type and not good with words/debate. H likes to be challenged.
Quote:
What are some things that you contributed to your M that you need to work on?
neediness (I have been forced to deal with this over the past 4.5 years and it has been really painful) need for attention insecurity lack of self confidence quick to judge short tempered
On the whole, I need to work on getting back into doing the things I love: watching films, reading, going to see live music/festivals. I have got out of the habit of doing these things.
Quote:
We all contributed to our M in negative ways and have things we need to work on.
Quote:
Working on you Is not to be done for your M or H, but for you.
This is all I have left now. I want to do it for myself as it is important that I give my kids as good a role model as I can and I want to take full resposibility for my part in the breakdown of my marriage.
I have put off asking H to leave for over 6 months (we haven't communicated to each other for that long despite living in the same house) because I was aware that H's job is, once again, on the rocks and he is expecting to lose it in the next few months. I have tried really hard to stop him losing his wife, kids, house and security by being as caring and understanding as I could, but now he is faced with no job prospects and no career path, too. How will he cope? It is surely far too much for one person to handle. I suppose I can expect a whole load more resentment coming my way. I feel really guilty at my contribution to this problem and knowing I get the house, kids and his money is tearing me apart.
I have no idea how to help him. It feels heartless 'dropping the rope' in his predicament, but what more can I do?
Married Dec. 1997 EA discovered April 2011 H lived at home until August 10th 2015 Separated August 10th 2015 kids aged 8. 14 and 15 I think we're done.
So H has just emailed to ask if I:ll take a look at a property for him to buy 200m from our house. I can't work out if this is a good move or not. It means the kids have full access to him (really important to him and me) but I'm sure there are a lot of negatives that my addled brain isn't getting at the moment.
Any thoughs greatfully received! thanks Joss
Married Dec. 1997 EA discovered April 2011 H lived at home until August 10th 2015 Separated August 10th 2015 kids aged 8. 14 and 15 I think we're done.
I am starting to think of goals that I need to set myself. I have had a lot of time for reflection in the past few months and I have come to some stark conclusions:
I haven't grown as a person since we married - I have been bringing up our 3 children (which has been a lot of hard work) TO THE EXCLUSION OF EVERYTHING ELSE. I have completely forgotten about myself (and my marriage) I used to do a lot of things: study Japanese, go to classes, see friends, see films/documentaries, read books, travel...
All of this enabled me to keep my brain ticking and continue developing, but most importantly keep a foot in the real world. It is all so clear to me now.
I am currently self employed but my work is only for a few hours a week and would like to increase the hours, but I am feeling a great need to get a part time job to get me back out in the real world and work with people again. In self- employment you lose contact with people on a daily basis, so this has greatly affected my confidence/ability to speak to others etc...
On top of all of this I feel my memory is in fast decline. I think I am perimenopausal (I am 47). I have noticed my recall for words has declined sharply over the past year.
Goals: join a club (book club?) do crosswords to improve vocab and recall read one book per month (non fiction) see at least 1 film per month see friends at least twice a month get a PT job join a business networking club
That's a lot to think about. Very daunting.
Married Dec. 1997 EA discovered April 2011 H lived at home until August 10th 2015 Separated August 10th 2015 kids aged 8. 14 and 15 I think we're done.
Welcome to the best worst place to be during this.
I have read your thread and I can see how you fit the model of many women once we start raising kids.
I can tell you that finding yourself again will make you much happier in the long run. And it will ease the empty nest thing once it happens.
Perimenopause is no joking matter, I have been going through it for a while now. Be good to yourself.
As far as your H, as you know, MLC lasts a long time and it doesn't always work out the way that we want it to. Only you can decide what is best for you in this situation. If you think you can live close to your H and still have your own life then go for it.
I like your list but you are right, it's daunting.
What on that list do you consider fun? Maybe instead of a non fiction book, read fiction. Something you can lose yourself in. Personally, I find that books like Harry Potter, while written for young adult, allow me to just relax and enjoy the book for what it is.
Anyway, keep posting, people will be around.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hi Joss. So sorry you are here, but, you have landed among some special people.
It would be best if you posted in only one forum..newcomers or MLC so that we can follow you. Newcomers has more activity, but can move quickly so your posts will be further down.
MLC has less activity but we are more familiar with the crisis.
So, first things first. Your h has given you good information, just be careful to own only your stuff. Look at what he's said and then decide what has merit.
This journey you are on will be an amazing one..difficult - yes, but you will learn and grow in incredible ways if you do the work.
Hard as it is, the focus has to be on you and your kids. Show him a positive, upbeat Joss when interacting.
Dropping the rope doesn't mean you don't care. It doesn't mean that you are abandoning him. On the contrary, you are allowing him the space he needs to work through his stuff without the "noise" of a life he thinks he no longer wants. It is a gift you are giving him.
Start to live the changes you want to make. Don't try all of them at once. Do one or two to start. Otherwise you will just be adding to your anxiety. Keep doing them until they become real and then move on.
Hi uRworthy Thanks for your message. I am not familiar with anyones threads/stories yet so will do a bit of reading.
Quote:
It would be best if you posted in only one forum..newcomers or MLC so that we can follow you. Newcomers has more activity, but can move quickly so your posts will be further down.
MLC has less activity but we are more familiar with the crisis.
I think it would be best if I posted only in the MLC forum as that is bsically what I've been dealing with for coming up to 5 years. Is there any way for me to move this thread over there? I initially sent in 2 posts (both the same-ish) because I thought the first post hadn't been received. When I posted the 2nd one, I saw the message saying it takes a few days to be posted......
Quote:
Your h has given you good information, just be careful to own only your stuff. Look at what he's said and then decide what has merit.
Yes I am going by what I:ve noticed in myself over the past couple of years. He has a lot of interests and can communicate about a vast amount of topics (due to him working in a university, surrounded by intelligent, interesting people), whereas I have little to say, so there's nothing to talk about. OW has worked with him for 10 years and is in the same line of work so they have lots to discuss!
Quote:
you will learn and grow in incredible ways if you do the work.
I am finally able to take this on board now that I have headspace. I feel I havelet myself down by not doing this before, but I was only partially successful in detatching with him at home. I can't change the past, but I definately feel a lot more able to detatch now.
One major realisation I have had recently is that I haven't spent any time alone since I was 16. Since that time I have been in 3 long-term relationships and haven't learnt how to grow up into independence. I think this is why it has taken me so long to ask H to leave, despite knowing about his affair since the beginning.
Quote:
Show him a positive, upbeat Joss when interacting.
I feel a lot more confident in myself since he's been away. I feel a lot more positive and more in control, and crucially, I can see what needs to be fixed FOR ME to be happier in myself.
Quote:
Dropping the rope doesn't mean you don't care.
I am starting to get that. I knew it in my head before but didn't feel it inmy heart. But now I do. This space is doing us both good, I:m sure.
Quote:
Start to live the changes you want to make.
Have made a few plans to socialise (yikes...) and have started reading again. Little steps...
Joss
Married Dec. 1997 EA discovered April 2011 H lived at home until August 10th 2015 Separated August 10th 2015 kids aged 8. 14 and 15 I think we're done.
