Depress, only you know what is best for you and your children. I am sorry that you are in this position, and I hope you have a good friend or maybe a sister or someone to talk to. Your H would legally be required to pay child support. But I am not a lawyer. And I do not know you. Please find someone to talk to and do what is best for you.
He says that he honestly feels that we can no longer be happy together. He's in depression. He has no passion for anything. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep. Our business is going down and he doesn't care. I'm loosing him and I don't know what to do. I know if we try we will be. Why is he trying so hard not to be happy. When I ask him why he doesn't want to divorce he says that it's not easy. He says the kids. I told him we could split the cost and the kids he can see them when ever.. He says that he just can't
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
I'm sorry depress. In my opinion, the divorce papers are just that: papers. If you were legally DIVORCED right this second, it wouldn't really change anything as far as your feelings or your interactions. So you don't "do" anything other than what you were doing.
Being dark isn't enough by itself. It's a useful tool that we have. It helps us shift the pursuit/distance dynamic, it gives us space to change and it gives the S a chance to feel the impact of their decisions. But being dark wont solve the issues in your M and within you. You still need to figure out the problems and solve them. I'm not that familiar with your sitch specifically right now, but ultimately, you need to keep DBing for you.
Even if you get divorced, it doesn't automatically take you off of the roller coaster.
We know what our problem was. We've pinpointed amd talked about. II fixed some of it but he is just to stubborn. I really want a coach. What you think? Will it help?
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Depress, sorry to hear this. I also got D papers recently...I haven't tried coaching, but so many people recommend it and I would give it a go.
Now H has filed for D, I don't plan to initiate contact. Thus far I get a 'contact itch' which I scratch every month or so. But I plan to draw back from that to give myself more time and space to move forward. It's different when you have kids of course.
Putting your H to one side - because of course you have no control over him and 100% over yourself. What are you doing to move forward here? How are you GAL and working on detachment? Your posts seem all about you in relation to HIM.....and I'd love to see them being more about YOU..
Take care D. D papers are by no means the end of the road....xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi sotto. Gosh I haven't done anything to gal. But I plan on it. This time the right way. Well the way to move forward. I plan on taking classes while working amd hopefully to start hanging out with my friends with and/or without my kids. I want to do the coaching but it's a tad expensive but I really need coaching. I have completely forgotten who I am. I'm this sad person who I was the happiest person before. Thank you for reaching out amd writing back. Tonight I did amd said some stupid things to him but I was so angry. The hard part is detaching. I see him everyday. He moved back in around April amd its kinda hard to go dark. But I will do what I have to Do.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Well, that's not a bad place to start then Depress. Taking classes sounds like a good plan - a way to meet new people and wrap your brain around something other than your sitch.
Also, do start reaching out to your friends - with your kids and without them. It is great to get some dates in the calendar and think, I'm seeing X on Saturday and then Y....
'I have completely forgotten who I am'
What would 'former happy you' say to yourself now Depress? How can you find your own way back to happier you. Don't put any of this on your H. Our happiness does not (and never should depend entirely on another person.) It is within our gift to make ourselves happier.
'Tonight I did and said some stupid things to him BUT I was so angry'
I have read many times on this forum that anything said before the BUT is negated by what comes after it. So, you acknowledge you said stupid things, but you also feel your anger justifies your behaviour. I think it's a learning curve for us all to listen to and process our emotions, whilst not being led by them.
'The hard part is detaching......but I will do what I have to do'
Great - lets see what your plans are for this new phase my friend - I'm excited for you.
You recognise that whilst you've been posting on the forum for a while - you haven't really been DBing. Did you read the books? You aren't GALing, you aren't detached, you're behaving in ways that push him away (saying stupid things in anger)....etc..
So, why not post some new positive goals for yourself. And do try to base them purely on you and what you can control. Remember, we have no control over our WAS's - only ourselves. And I would love to see you review your forum name to something more upbeat and more reflective of where you are now headed.
Good luck D - I'm rooting for you and we are all here to support xx
Last edited by Sotto; 08/22/1503:29 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
