The World is A-changin'

[Zues126]

I've thought long and hard about how sex impacted my M. Obviously I was the high desire spouse, and my M failed for many reasons.

I've made the first point before, but it bears repeating. It was an issue that was infinitely more important to me than STBX ever realized. There was a monumental communication barrier. It was like she kept saying "I get it, I get it, I get it" when if for just one moment we could switch places she would return to her body and be like "oh my god, I didn't realize THAT'S how it felt to you, and that's how important it was". I used to joke that woman are wired to want babies, men are wired to want sex. So sex feels as important to us as babies do for woman So first point, yes, it's very important for men.

But the second point is that it's not all about satisfying every sexual desire. I get that's not happening. Trust me, that's impossible. I have sexual desire pretty much constantly, all day, every day, and that is stimulated perpetually. I guess that's how nature wired me. The thing is, I don't want to act on all of those desires! Ick. What I want is a partner that can try to understand those desires, and incorporate them into our marriage as a TEAM.

For example, if my partner was coming across as dismissive of my desires, disinterested in understanding them, judgmental that they were perverted, irritated that they were so expansive, or frustrated that she had to put up with them...that's pretty much the end of any serious intimacy we can have. Note the opposite doesn't mean having sex anytime and way I want it...just that I'm understood, validated, accepted, and that we approach them saying "in our M your desires play a big role, and we need to take that into account as we together figure out how we can work together as a team"...wow, that would be POWERFUL for me.

With that point of view, if H asked for sex every day, instead of explaining why that's unreasonable, impossible, or dismissing his input because it's so extreme and instead just shrugging and doing what you can do...maybe have a discussion about that, one that encompasses his needs and your fears of disappointing him. Frankly that's a discussion that could benefit from a good IC, particularly if destructive patterns had formed that kept cropping up.

Just my thoughts on what I long for, and my regrets on how I wish it had gone differently in my M as well. Carry on soldiers.