Six to Nine

[mahhhty]

Saw an uplifting story on FB. Here is a great quote....

"Hope is the heaviest weight a man can carry. It is the bane of the Idealist."
- The Conditioned

Big meeting today for the startup, followed by three days of paddling and a bachelor party. Should be fun.

My kids have been great the last couple days. My D has multiple times come to me, hugged me and told me she loves me. So uplifting. Yesterday we started talking about them going to X's house, and they both got upset and asked to call X to tell her they wanted to stay with me longer. That shouldn't have hurt, but it did. I guess I hurt for X. I shouldn't, she wouldn't for me, but I guess that is part of what makes me me.

No doubt I have a better relationship with them than what I had. That is a wonderful thing.

[lost18]

Hey Mahhhty,

Just stopping in to let you know I'm here and you still have my support. Thanks for always checking on me and of course keeping things real!

Not much to add except stop mind-reading! That's my job!

If the best thing to come out of this horrible situation is a better relationship with your kids than that's pretty awesome!

[Georgia Bulldogs]

My kids have been great the last couple days. My D has multiple times come to me, hugged me and told me she loves me. So uplifting. Yesterday we started talking about them going to X's house, and they both got upset and asked to call X to tell her they wanted to stay with me longer. That shouldn't have hurt, but it did. I guess I hurt for X. I shouldn't, she wouldn't for me, but I guess that is part of what makes me me.

No doubt I have a better relationship with them than what I had. That is a wonderful thing.

When children get older...and become teenagers...running back and forth between mom and dads house gets real old. They will demand to be MORE at one than the others. Keep prioritizing your kids over everything else and your wife is certainly going to keep prioritizing her "happiness" over everyone else and you are sure to be that go to parent.

Hopefully you reside in their school district and there "best friends" end up living more conveniently near you. As friends become their priority, being at the parent's home with better access to such friends also plays a part in the eventual demand they make to spend more time at one parent's home than the other. If you aren't in this position home wise now....look to rectify that in the coming years.

Your ex-wife is selfish. I still think she's wayward. Your kids need protecting from her selfishness particularly when they enter and endure the difficult teenage years. If you have to take it legal....go for primary custody in the courts once the kids are old enough but chances are the kids will request it and your wife won't care as long as the paperwork doesn't say it and she can save face with friends and family that you two are 50/50.

Take care you river rat.

[Bob723]

Hi Marty,

Just swinging by to say I'm still here for you!

Gotta run now -- please keep your chin up.

Bob

[mahhhty]

Lost, GB, Bob,
Thank you for the support.

Lost - you know me. Engineers brain.. I think I can fix everything by mind reading. I know I need to do it less.

Gb - interesting thought process. You are right and I need to consider all situations to be prepared. And yeah... I am a river rat.

Bob - I'm sorry I haven't been around as much. My chin is up most in the time.

There is a lot I could explain on the past weeks, that I haven't. Mainly bc, I'm not sure if it all matters. I'm improving. Quality of life is improving. My kids, mys of, my startups are the priorities, I need to do more social GALs separate from kayaking. I'm still doing a ton of kayaking.

My life with the X is cordial. Sometimes I make her laugh. Sometimes I don't. What I've come to terms with, is that it may not matter and that I can't pursue her. So I don't.

I know I have to dance. But I'm not sure how to initiate or if I want to. Or if it is my time to dance. So I don't.

[mahhhty]

I can no longer find coach or geeks threads. Can someone tell me what I am doing wrong.

[mahhhty]

^ Bump.

What happened to Greek & Coach's threads?

[mahhhty]

I guess no one knows how to find Greek & Coach's threads after archiving. Perhaps it is somewhere else. I'll keep looking.

Tonight, both kids had an open house for school. My S is in a 2 day program and my D in a 3 day. X and I coordinated appropriately and fairly easily to plan to both be there.

This was the longest period of time we have spent with each other in a long time. S's was first. I arrived at 501. They were waiting for me. As I pulled in I could hear my S start saying my name (mind you I was 100+ yards away). He immediately came to me as I approached. That felt incredibly good. She went on to explain to me that he cried the whole way to school, however, once we were there I started playing with him and off we went. He definitely showed no signs of unhappiness, and was very eager to play. It was wonderful to see him in the environment.

My D was with X's Mom at the local ice cream stand. So we left the open house and both drove there (she did not offer for me to ride with her) and saw D, then went back for D's open house. D will be going there with X's Sister's D. So X's Sister & Husband where there. Upon seeing me their D came right over (I was always the fun uncle). Inside it was much of the same, I played almost exclusively with the kids.

My kids love me very much they were sweet and look for affection which I give them every chance I can. I love them and love the relationship we now have. It is a shame it took such loss to provide it. But I am grateful for it now.

As for X, we talk and she asks me pertinent questions about the kids. We never ever ask each other any questions about our current lives, and we rarely say goodbye to each other. It is so very odd to me.

[lost18]

I'm so happy you have such a great relationship with your kids. That really is awesome!

I have noticed a trend that you may want to take a look at. You have very little face to face contact with your XW. I feel like when you do you are avoiding having conversation/interactions with her, you are focusing solely on your kids. If your goal is still to reconcile you may need to step out of your comfort zone here and interact with her on some level. Make eye contact, ask how she's doing (if she has interests/hobby, her job, anything other than the kids). If I were in her shoes I would not see that you are interested in R at all, I would probably think you have moved on. Experiment (baby steps), what's the worst that can happen? She'll reject you? She already has...(words of wisdom from my sister!)

[mahhhty]

Thanks Lost. I read this awhile ago and I think your advice is solid. Please read the latest and let me know what you think.

So the last two weeks....

I was scheduled to be in a wedding on 8/29 the day before my X-Anniversary. It was a mental challenge but I wanted to be there and planned to bring the kids. However, the wedding schedule came out the week leading into the festivities and I determined it wasn't feasible anymore to do my duties in the wedding and bring the kids solo. There were a ton of things planned and stuff to help with, it would have been very very challenging on top of an 8 hr drive with the munchkins. Long story short. I asked her for help and she said no. She said multiple times "I would if I could" but ultimately she had plans. She did guilt me at one point that I can't break promises to the kids. I choose not to be combative but did reiterate that she does not know or understand what is going on.

At the wedding, I had a hard time initially, but loosened up and was even courted by a lady I met (which felt nice, but I wiggled my way out of the situation). Over the days coming out of the wedding our interactions were better, she seemed a little more at ease and texting has picked up a bit.

During this time I re-read some of my old threads and found posts from G. Bulldog that I had never seen, about sending the letter I had drafted a long time ago. This got me thinking about the letter again and possibly sending it. At this point a revision would be required. The motivation would be that one of two things happen; more communication or honesty (aka closure).

Then today occurred. Honestly, having a shitty day already (need to work less on my startup and more at my current job). But anyway I get this text from her out of the blue....

X....
Hey...I wanted to make you aware of this so that it came from me and not anyone else. My kidneys have taken a turn for the worst, and I met with the doctor today to refer me to the transplant doctor at the hospital. I'm in the end stage of the disease, so I will be meeting with doctors in the next or so to start the overall process. As you know, it was never a question of if, but when...still shocking news and quite scary. BUT staying positive and I'm very fortunate that there is a solution to this disease, it could be much worse. As I said, I wanted to be the one to tell you...because I can picture my mom blurting it out when you pickup the kiddos today! Just have to take it one day at a time.

I drafted a response and sent it 15 min later...
I wasn’t expecting that, and am reading this in disbelief. I’m sorry that you are going through this. You know how strong of a woman you are, and with a definite solution, that is most certainly a positive outcome. I am sure it it still trying on some level. I’d like to learn more if you are willing to share. Perhaps coffee or a drink or a green smoothy?

She responded at 25 min later...
I was going to take the kids to Bookstore on Sunday. We could all meet there for a coffee? I think they open at 11?

Me...
Ok. I'll see you then.

I feel pretty bad for her going through this by herself, but I have to try and remember that she was the driving force. I need to have empathy for her situation, without the anger that she was the cause.

I know this will be confusing for the kids, all of us at the bookstore. But what do people think about this?