Mozza (13) + Links to success stories

[asitis]

Hi Mozza,

I hear you on the confusion of the mixed signals. My W is an unintentional master/mistress of mixed signals. When she sees me at work, I get a genuine smile. She likes facebook posts. And then just when I relax, she throws a curve ball.

Last couple weeks, she's lingering longer talking. She volunteers she's reading a marriage advice book I had recommended over a year ago & really likes it. She started using 'we' to talk about future projects that would be about the time she says she wants to have the D done by. DB coach is sees these as time to move the game forward a bit.

Then W asks about progress finding a mediator (I have contacts through my counseling program, and was hoping for someone to know someone they could recommend rather than the dart board method of choosing). Then meeting to finalize fall parenting schedule, I give her a couple names, but admit it isn't the kind of mediator we were looking for. W says there is no way she sees herself coming back to M, and she wants to move the legal process forward so that we can finalize the D after the school year.

Wait, what were all those positive signals???? Why the h*ll were you telling me you were reading a book about fixing marriage if you were dead set against fixing ours?

At least in my W's case, I really don't factor much in her thinking about impact of her words and actions. It's not malicious. It's just that impact on me is not something she really thinks about lately.

It's like wants to be friends, but doesn't want to actually do anything that is what friends do. Wants to keep the family together, but doesn't want to do anything as a family. Wants to be independent, but wants me to figure out if I can fix the dryer and her phone. Consistency and thoughtfulness of others (or at least me, and to a lesser extent the kids) isn't a strong suit of hers during this fun adventure.

You have a WW & mine is a WAW, but right now, we are an afterthought. We can't help but consider the impact of what we do or say on our Ws, but at best we are something they react to rather than think about. Hopefully, this will pass even if we both end up on the other side of a D, as we'll have to deal with them for a long time to come. We are also their primary attachment figure for a long time. Even while you are detaching from that person, your emotions toward them swing wildly. It is one of the traumas of detachment. We hoped they would try to repair those bonds (and they still may), but as they detach further, hopefully we'll both get a little more consideration on top of our own further detachment from them.

Good luck.