You might have hit something here. Granted I am not to keen on handing W a hot cup of tea in the heat of the moment for personal safety reasons ...lol. That said I do think there might be a few things there. Last night I did not do it out of 'punishment' but previously .... there has been an element of 'taking my ball home'.
I had not thought about how this makes her feel especially in the light of the A and sleeping alone knowing I am there but not there, that bed is a trigger for me (then again so is the couch), was our bed and knowing the A was there ... and the horrible things that come with all that betrayal/hurt/pain... well yeah. It still is here and there and like all things, the level and duration of the cycle varies.
I do not think she cares for me sleeping on the couch, seemed last night she did not come right out and say it, but I can see your point here and I believe its valid.
Ty for your perspective ... was a good one.
As I process ... bottom line is there is a good deal of pain and hurt that I still need to get through. Seems I have to do this under the surface, I vent here some, but mostly its processed as I can in my way and its taken me by surprise the things that trigger me. Commercials, movies, tidbits from her spew where she will say something and I warp 'there' ... as of late I have struggled a bit ... try to purge this all here so its out, but even then I leave fragments out.
I just want to be 'right' again. I read something and realized I too do this ... I am normal with everyone, everyone except W, still have walls up ... walls that hide the really good parts of me, I question if I do this out of protection of myself .. or punishment towards her, something I have been wrestling with for the past few weeks. Does is even matter why? I think it does ... protection would seem 'normal' ... punishment just tells me I have not grown to be the person I really would want to be. Also shows me I have not forgiven.
Forgiveness, Trust, Love ... all 3 are decisions. Decisions I need to make. More work to still do on my side of the fence that's for certain.
