You get great advice anyway from people who know far more than me (UR's advice is top quality for example) so i generally stay quiet, but the couch thing has struck me a couple of times so I thought I would post.
I know I don't have all the details but I wonder if its something you might be a bit too ready to do.
One of the ongoing issues with your situation seems to be about intimacy and feeling safe (on both sides for a bunch of reasons) and I'm not sure how the sleeping on the couch plays into that.
Do you know how your W feels about it when you do? I suspect on some level it makes her feel alone and given other things you've said I wouldn't be surprised if she feels like its you bringing up the A (even though you're not)
What would happen if instead of grabbing the pillows, you instead did something like saying you want a few minutes to yourself to cool your head a bit and made both you and your W a cup of tea (I'm British....its what we do....).
Sometimes my reading is that the couch is an escalation (punishment?) Of button pressing and that a bit of space and defusing might resolve it. Or even agree to put it on pause to the morning and just enjoy lying in bed with each other
Anyway I think your doing a really good job in very difficult circumstances. You should be proud of yourself.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
