Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Georgia Bulldogs,

Really clear post. It definitely gives me something to chew on. I feel a lot of discomfort in it, and if I was closer to the situation I wouldn't hesitate, but his Fiance lives in Norway. When I became aware of the EA prior to it becoming fully PA I looked him up on facebook and found her as well. I'll have to give that one some time to think through. I'm in so much pain and everything in my life is crazy. I don't know if I have the strength to go through it. You have certainly challenged me. You are a man with a lot of character, and I value you taking the time to hold me accountable to doing what is right.

Some journaling to get some of the cobwebs out.

I took off of work today to get some distance and rest. Roll around in the pain a bit. I will have a free weekend. I decided to put myself first for a while, allowing me to find my center, read lots about my situation, and then when I feel ready, I will take action. I currently feel like going completely dark on her.

Since we were separated, and in her mind 'broken up' when it happened, she thinks it was morally fine. When we were talking after she told me about the PA, She brought up the conversation we had when I found out about the EA and challenged her about it. I told her that she would have to choose between me and him. I said that I wouldn't be a speedbump, a dog at her door, or a safety net. I said that I was her husband and that there was no room for him. I said that I had great worth, and would not be treated that way. She said that she was not going to stop talking to him, that she cared about him, and that they were friends and that I was blowing it out of proportion. It was just a 'crush'. I told her that she was going to do what she was going to do, and I can't control her but that I would have to do what I would do if it continued.

She has re-framed this into me saying "hey go get this guy out of your system! Your free!"

She does not realize that in doing this she made her choice. I was not saying, I'll be your best buddy and everything will be great and we can all just move through life while I provide everything, take care of you and the house, spend lots of time as a family and be your handyman and doormat.

What she really chose was a life without me. Since she is not repentant, and does not plan to stay in the marriage, I see the only rational thing to happen is to fulfill my side of the bargain. She does not get me anymore.

I am working through a plan to go completely dark. She has not accepted the enormity of what she has done. The betrayal. The lies. The sin of it. Hurting another mother like that. And most importantly, this was a cruel indulgence that threw away everything that I have ever been to my family. She thought nothing of me, nor can understand why I am so affected. She has no clue in her selfishness what this means, and that it's the most painful thing you can do to someone. She has given me a permanent wound. It's going to affect me the rest of my life. It will affect my future relationships, my sex life. I have and will have nightmares. It's an insane and vile act of indifference. This is not the way a best friend acts. In fact if a friend of mine were to betray me I would cut them out of my life too. I may be a giving person, but I'm not a doormat.

She has been texting me a lot.

'I miss you! Your my bestie'

'Will you ever be able to talk? Because I was under a different impression of the situation and didn't expect this and I'm heartsick about it'

'Also I think you are being horrible. After all we've talked about, and all the problems and closures between us, it seems so low that you would cut me off because of something you told me it was okay if I did. And something so personal to me. I should never have told you. You should never have asked.'

'But I love you, not strings attached. Take care of yourself.'

This is what I mean. It's all repainted to make her feel great about it. I am realizing in all this pain, she's always mistreated me and never fed my needs. Taking it day by day. I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome. Its a toxic relationship everyone in my life has been telling me to get out of for years.

This is the most confusing part for me. She says I am her best friend. She is physically and sexually attracted to me. I am a great father. I have been there for her through her whole life when no one else has, and through insane stuff few would stick around for. I am a great provider financially. She thinks I am 'lovely' and a great man. So what is the problem?! It feels insane. But at the end of the day, she just is not happy with me, and I've broken her heart by being blind to some of her needs. It makes me feel so broken up inside because I want hope that we could reconcile, but I know that's not a thing. This is maybe my opportunity to find real happiness, and to be with someone worthy of the best stuff I have to offer.