I'm going to the gym, cycling, v-ball, working harder, bought new clothes, reconnected with friends, had great conversations, started going to church again, have better conversations with kids on Skype... its been 3 weeks since they left for EU but BD was at the end of May. My goal is to be happy. My goal is to get my wife back. My goal is to get my family back. My goal is to never see a lawyers face. My goal is to be an exceptional dad and husband. If we owned a house we wouldn't be here. If our finances were better we wouldn't be here. If I didn't get down at times about both of the above we wouldn't be here.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I'm going to the gym, cycling, v-ball, working harder, bought new clothes, reconnected with friends, had great conversations, started going to church again, have better conversations with kids on Skype... its been 3 weeks since they left for EU but BD was at the end of May.
This is all great GAL stuff! What about on a personal/emotional level?
My goal is to be happy. OK. How are you measuring this? What steps are you taking to meet your goal? My goal is to get my wife back. My goal is to get my family back. My goal is to never see a lawyers face. It seems like these three are kind of the same. This is the long term goal, then. As MWD writes, this is the hole. So what are your intermediate goals? What are the short term things yo can do so that you can meet this? My goal is to be an exceptional dad and husband. Great! What does that mean? How are you doing that?
Originally Posted By: duke
If we owned a house we wouldn't be here. If our finances were better we wouldn't be here. If I didn't get down at times about both of the above we wouldn't be here.
Maybe. Or if it werent this, it could be something else. Focus on the things you can control - your goals and your actions!
Thanks Cristy. I feel pretty hopeless right now. I think she is hellbent on the fast track to separation and once she gets back the hammer will fall. I cant really afford coaching but I think its a good idea. Any other advice? I don't want to move on. I am so used to being a great husband and dad I don't know what else to do.
Duke,
This isn't about moving on. It is about moving forward!
There is no quick fix here. It is a roller coaster and will be getting much more real when they return from vacation. Figuring out the details of day to day life with work and kids is a much different situation than vacation mode. You need to really be prepared to follow through on the strategies being recommended.
I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online special for Telephone Coaching. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Thought I would add this to my post: OMG! My wife went from loving, caring, balanced to very cold uncaring and downright mean when confronted. We started to have problems in August 2014 and BD by her at the end of May 2015. Shortly after BD I found a prescription in her name for Lorazapram from earlier in 2014. I googled it and found it was for anxiety and sleep problems. I thought it was strange but remembered that she did mention some trouble sleeping. She continued acting irrational and cold. Two weeks later I found another prescription for Torazodone from July 2015 in her name. I googled that one and found that it was for more severe depression and anxiety! What is going on? She never told me she was depressed or had anxiety and never told me she was taking these meds! Does anyone think that these meds are partly/largely to blame for her severe personality change and going from loving to hating in a year? What can I do? If she goes off these, how long until she is back to normal?
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I'm going to the gym, cycling, v-ball, working harder, bought new clothes, reconnected with friends, had great conversations, started going to church again, have better conversations with kids on Skype... its been 3 weeks since they left for EU but BD was at the end of May.
This is all great GAL stuff! What about on a personal/emotional level? That's a tough one, I am trying to be calm and not let things she says/does get to me or things MIL says or does.
My goal is to be happy. OK. How are you measuring this? [b]Daily changes. What steps are you taking to meet your goal?Trying to do things that make me happy. My goal is to get my wife back. My goal is to get my family back. My goal is to never see a lawyers face. It seems like these three are kind of the same. This is the long term goal, then. As MWD writes, this is the hole. So what are your intermediate goals? What are the short term things yo can do so that you can meet this? [b]By changing and improving my outlook and GAL My goal is to be an exceptional dad and husband. Great! What does that mean? How are you doing that? [b]I have to get there first, I know I was already a pretty exceptional husband and dad but there are things I can improve like my moods and temper.
Originally Posted By: duke
If we owned a house we wouldn't be here. If our finances were better we wouldn't be here. If I didn't get down at times about both of the above we wouldn't be here.
Maybe. Or if it werent this, it could be something else. Focus on the things you can control - your goals and your actions!
I honestly think that if we had a house things would be very different, W agrees
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I'm going to the gym, cycling, v-ball, working harder, bought new clothes, reconnected with friends, had great conversations, started going to church again, have better conversations with kids on Skype... its been 3 weeks since they left for EU but BD was at the end of May. This is all great GAL stuff! What about on a personal/emotional level? That's a tough one, I am trying to be calm and not let things she says/does get to me or things MIL says or does.
Staying calm? Great! Detachment? Great!
Anything else? For example, you mention below that you want to be an exceptional dad. What kinds of qualities do you feel you were lacking before that you want to improve? Attentiveness? Generosity? Patience? Playfulness? Tenderness? I dont know your parenting style....but just some thought words.
You also talk about being an exceptional husband. What kinds of qualities would that entail? Empathy? Supportiveness? Kindness?
Originally Posted By: duke
My goal is to be happy. OK. How are you measuring this? Daily changes. What steps are you taking to meet your goal?Trying to do things that make me happy. My goal is to get my wife back. My goal is to get my family back. My goal is to never see a lawyers face. It seems like these three are kind of the same. This is the long term goal, then. As MWD writes, this is the hole. So what are your intermediate goals? What are the short term things you can do so that you can meet this?By changing and improving my outlook and GAL My goal is to be an exceptional dad and husband. Great! What does that mean? How are you doing that? I have to get there first, I know I was already a pretty exceptional husband and dad but there are things I can improve like my moods and temper.
This is a start, but I think you need to be more specific. You say you want to be "happy", but what does that mean? How do you KNOW if you are happy or not? What kinds of things do happy people do or say or feel? The best kinds of goals are ones that you can measure. That way you know if you have achieved them!
Im really not trying to be obtuse. Im really trying to help. My thoughts are that if you have a road map laid out, it's easy to follow. If you say "I want to do one solo GAL activity and one GAL activity with my kids every week", then youll know easily if you hit it. If you say, "I want to GAL", how do you know? The more clear your goals are, the easier it is to achieve them.
My recommendation (and of course, take it for what it's worth) is to really think about what you want and how to get there. Its easy to say "I want to save my family" - but its hard to actually do it.
Originally Posted By: duke
If we owned a house we wouldn't be here. If our finances were better we wouldn't be here. If I didn't get down at times about both of the above we wouldn't be here. Maybe. Or if it werent this, it could be something else. Focus on the things you can control - your goals and your actions!I honestly think that if we had a house things would be very different, W agrees
Again....maybe. Im guessing if you were an "exceptional" husband and an "exceptional" dad, your W would not be thinking of a D regardless of your financial status. I think that if I were to give you a house right now, your W wouldnt change her mind. Everyone is here because of their failings in their marriage. But the only way forward is to really face who you are/were and try to improve upon it for next time.
I am about half way through Divorce Remedy. I re-read many pages as I go. Something I should have read WHILE I was married. After you say "I do" and the Priest says "I now pronounce you husband and wife" he should follow that up with "and here is your copy of Divorce Remedy, READ IT!" MWD should print a revised edition titled "Divorce Remedy - Read While You Are Married"
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I realize this all takes baby steps and that I need small goals that are attainable in order to get to the larger goals. I am in limbo here until W gets back with kids on the 30th. I can only work on myself until then but I know the SHTF when she returns and my world will be upside down again in a hurry. She will most likely want to get the lawyer ball rolling asap once she returns and before she goes back to work the following week.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I realize this all takes baby steps and that I need small goals that are attainable in order to get to the larger goals. I am in limbo here until W gets back with kids on the 30th. I can only work on myself until then but I know the SHTF when she returns and my world will be upside down again in a hurry. She will most likely want to get the lawyer ball rolling asap once she returns and before she goes back to work the following week.
While this is all true, Im not sure what it has to do with the stuff I laid out in my post ^^^. The goal setting is all about you and what you want. Even when she gets back, you will still only be able to work on you. It's never too early or too late to start working on you.
Duke just read up on your sitch a bit thought I would add some as Azz is on point with all .. just wanted to point a few things out .. things people can get stuck on.
Originally Posted By: duke
I'm going to the gym, cycling, v-ball, working harder, bought new clothes, reconnected with friends, had great conversations, started going to church again, have better conversations with kids on Skype... its been 3 weeks since they left for EU but BD was at the end of May.
Ok .. all ^^^ is good
Originally Posted By: duke
My goal is to be happy. How? -GAL right? My goal is to get my wife back. My goal is to get my family back. My goal is to never see a lawyers face. My goal is to be an exceptional dad and husband. (she fired you for now .. be a good dad/man) If we owned a house we wouldn't be here. If our finances were better we wouldn't be here. If I didn't get down at times about both of the above we wouldn't be here.
Ok .. lets look at the strike throughs ... I get you are attempting at setting goals ... but you have to be specific like Azz said ... furthermore, a goal "to get your wife back" is not a goal, you have no control over that, her, or the situation.
What you can do .. is set goals for yourself ... these may result in re-attracting your wife, such as I am setting a goal to lose 5lbs, this is something you can work towards and measure and involves no one else but YOU.
The "If" statements ... nope .. dont live there either. "If I were George Clooney maybe she would not have left me" ... well you aren't ... own it ... move on. Do what you can do NOW, shoulda-woulda-coulda's will not land you where you need to go, hindsight is 20/20 for a reason .. its back there, we can pick it apart but the energy used on that is wasted away ... energy better saved for doing the work NOW.
