I'm going to the gym, cycling, v-ball, working harder, bought new clothes, reconnected with friends, had great conversations, started going to church again, have better conversations with kids on Skype... its been 3 weeks since they left for EU but BD was at the end of May. This is all great GAL stuff! What about on a personal/emotional level? That's a tough one, I am trying to be calm and not let things she says/does get to me or things MIL says or does.
Staying calm? Great! Detachment? Great!
Anything else? For example, you mention below that you want to be an exceptional dad. What kinds of qualities do you feel you were lacking before that you want to improve? Attentiveness? Generosity? Patience? Playfulness? Tenderness? I dont know your parenting style....but just some thought words.
You also talk about being an exceptional husband. What kinds of qualities would that entail? Empathy? Supportiveness? Kindness?
Originally Posted By: duke
My goal is to be happy. OK. How are you measuring this? Daily changes. What steps are you taking to meet your goal?Trying to do things that make me happy. My goal is to get my wife back. My goal is to get my family back. My goal is to never see a lawyers face. It seems like these three are kind of the same. This is the long term goal, then. As MWD writes, this is the hole. So what are your intermediate goals? What are the short term things you can do so that you can meet this?By changing and improving my outlook and GAL My goal is to be an exceptional dad and husband. Great! What does that mean? How are you doing that? I have to get there first, I know I was already a pretty exceptional husband and dad but there are things I can improve like my moods and temper.
This is a start, but I think you need to be more specific. You say you want to be "happy", but what does that mean? How do you KNOW if you are happy or not? What kinds of things do happy people do or say or feel? The best kinds of goals are ones that you can measure. That way you know if you have achieved them!
Im really not trying to be obtuse. Im really trying to help. My thoughts are that if you have a road map laid out, it's easy to follow. If you say "I want to do one solo GAL activity and one GAL activity with my kids every week", then youll know easily if you hit it. If you say, "I want to GAL", how do you know? The more clear your goals are, the easier it is to achieve them.
My recommendation (and of course, take it for what it's worth) is to really think about what you want and how to get there. Its easy to say "I want to save my family" - but its hard to actually do it.
Originally Posted By: duke
If we owned a house we wouldn't be here. If our finances were better we wouldn't be here. If I didn't get down at times about both of the above we wouldn't be here. Maybe. Or if it werent this, it could be something else. Focus on the things you can control - your goals and your actions!I honestly think that if we had a house things would be very different, W agrees
Again....maybe. Im guessing if you were an "exceptional" husband and an "exceptional" dad, your W would not be thinking of a D regardless of your financial status. I think that if I were to give you a house right now, your W wouldnt change her mind. Everyone is here because of their failings in their marriage. But the only way forward is to really face who you are/were and try to improve upon it for next time.
