H has been inching forward in some places while leaping in others. Somehow I feel like I am doing the same.
Recently H texted some of my family members! He has been NC with them for well over a year. There is so much he has missed in their lives. This contact on the heels of making plans to go away for the weekend with an "old" pre-MLC friend.
Recently H had to go out of town for two days. Interesting to see the difference from the last time he went away. Last trip away was in the spring w/MLC friend (friend is 50, never been married and spends his days chasing skirts and acting like he is 20). He was the perfect MLC companion. Back then H did not even text me while gone. He only texted kids. One day he forgot to text them at all. That was hard as he told them he would contact them & did not; kids were hurt. There was so much hurt all around then.
This time, before he left he said he would be calling me in the evening when he arrived. And he did. Like old days he called and texted me, not kids. He went back to calling in the am and in the pm. He also texted me throughout the day.
Last night at dinner his phone rang. We've always had a no electronics at dinner policy. This has been easy to enforce as we both agreed on this. On usage at other times, like so many families today, we struggle. Anyway, H showed me the phone to let me see it was a telemarketer. Trying hard not to read into this. Why the need to show? Is he trying to please me, assuage guilt, both? Can I ask him this at this point why he made such a show of it or will it scare him too much? I want to ask but don't want to stir up a wasp's nest.
H is initiating more contact, we've been going for (quick) walks alone initiated by him and we now hang out a bit in the evenings again. He compliments me when I look nice. We are bantering a bit more too. He sometimes calls me my old nickname.
But, I had a setback. I assume this is normal push/pull stuff? I was wearing a new outfit. It was super cute and I felt great in it. H came home and did a doubletake. I think it was a thumbs up because he kept glancing at me. So I said to him and the kids: what do you all think (as it was something very differerent from my norm)? H said: spin around and let's see. He said it was nice.
Anyway, I just felt awful. All his criticisms he voiced about me came rushing back and I just felt ashamed. I know he said he was mortified by what he wrote but it all rushed back to me. I don't know how to put this behind me. Part of the problem is that yes, I look decent but I am getting older, obviously. H voiced some "aging" based issues but some of his criticisms centered on stuff that will only get worse with time. I know MLCers are obsessed with aging but now I have this discomfort about me today and also future me. I also worry what if he is a fair weather friend on this issue? It is very uncomfortable. I see him showing he finds me attractive but I also replay criticisms now.
I feel like he is trying to heal me in this area by complimenting me and being more affectionate but it is awkward as he has not come to terms with some of the realities of aging here. Meanwhile I just felt so unattractive when I know that I am not.
I realize I am a words of affirmation person. I think what I need from him given the stuff he wrote, is at some point for him to reassure me om this front. Again, I think he is trying but I now feel uncomfortable in my own skin around him. I need to hear it to believe it. This is a change for me as before this I never knew how to ask for what I needed. So, despite setback I also feel like I know myself a bit better.
The other morning, very early we were talking when my cell sounded out the receipt of a text message. It was pre-5 am. I kept taking and didn't think much of it as all my family is still on the east coast so I knew that's who it was from. H has been so out of touch be doesn't know this is routine check in from family.
After a few seconds more of talking H got a very annoyed look on his face and said: who is texting you at this hour? I answered but did not show phone. Did not occur to me to show it as it was a benign call. This all happened before him showing me his phone. Clearly he thinks I have something going on. Anyway, few days later he showed me his phone so maybe he wants me to show mine?
Can we all just get landlines again!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
