Sleeping Beauty and the Jedi

[CaliGuy]

Ok, so, buckle up, my friend.

Here's the truth from me. I don't care about your w or your marriage right now. It's you I care about. I also don't care about FB. It's not important. It just isn't. Yours says separated...hers does, too. Whatver. It's not real life. LET THAT GO!

Ok uR .. I put my helmet on ... here we go.

The rings, too. Yours are off. Are you committed? You are still married. Stop worrying so much about pressure and do what feels right to you. Live your truth, Luke. Live the way you choose to live in a way that reflects who you've become. You are putting way too much importance to things and stuff. It's actions and feelings that count.

I am .. and have been committed to this M, as we discussed in a way I feel she path may have been paved almost to smoothly. With the job, it has that feel of the old M, I come home, cook, clean up, trash, dog and she tosses out a critical comment here and there making me really think 'Is THIS really what I want?' Again ... feels like that old M .. its an itchy heavy jacket I just do not want to wear.
You are spot on with the actions and feelings ... I am just not seeing them from her as of late.

If you don't want to change your FB, don't. If you don't want to wear your rings, don't. But don't judge her for her choices. Nor allow them to indicate where she may be in all of this because that will just make you crazy. She isn't even sure where she is right now.

Ok, so, maybe its PMS, maybe its not. But heres what I think part of it was. You gave her a hard time about coming home later than she should have...so she did the same. Is it the same because you feel you have reasons to be suspicious? No. Does she realize that? No. She is feeling guilt and feeling as if no matter what she does it wont make a difference so she lashed out. Is it right? Nope. But it's how she feels.

Thing was ... I told her I would be back by 10 ... if anything I was early. I do agree she is feeling guilt and what she is doing will not make a difference...not sure where I can help her out with this .. her feelings are her own. When she spews she gets nasty and its just not something I feel I am going to take ... either I validate, or truth dart.

You keep saying that her actions don't indicate her commitment. Do yours? Saying that you don't need her approval about the bike is not exactly marriage building, right? I mean technically you don't need her permission about anything, but...

I think the thing for me here is this. She does not complete things she starts. Her IC recommended a book, we talked about it .. bought it (expensive) with the intention to read together ... I have read the entire thing, she is on chapter 2, and has moved on to her romance novel. A second book .. again something she brought home wanting us to read .. I finished that .. she read the first chapter. Even the Retrouvaille stuff, for her its just the twice a month meeting we attend and a little work in between, she has not read through the material ... feel like highschool and she just cheats and uses my answers. Seems like right now she knows she needs to do some work, but really is not digging in and doing it .... I can not force/control this .. nor have I mentioned the books, its just an observation. I have read this is typical and one spouse will put more effort in than the other, realizing this I am trying not to be resentful ... under spew its tough.

As far as the book..I would imagine that was a button for her, no? You get my drift?

The PMS thing...you don't want her to use it as an excuse yet you know what its that time, she changes. So, is it a reason or isn't it?

I am also thinking that you heading for the couch every time something happens is not moving you forward in the marriage. Maybe nothing would have resolved it, but, you didn't really try anything else.

The book, yeah ... agreed .. trigger. One I did not intend, book was for me in hopes to deal with the A, and what I am now calling the OM Ghost, never met the dude but I am haunted ... something I know I have to get through and have hopes this will help.
The PMS thing I am struggling with, not sure what I can humanly do, staying away gets to her, being around gets to her ... 25 years I have yet to solve that riddle.
The couch ... we did talk about it that night. We both have not slept that well this week. She is a light sleeper, very light .. if I move .. it startles her and wakes her, which wakes me. So I told her I would sleep out there so she would get some rest ... this time was not out of anger or punishment ... more about avoiding tossing more gas on the fire as far as I was concerned.

PMS is a real thing. So, if you believe that to be true, then you need to develop ways to handle it and she needs to see a doctor about whether there is anything she can do about it. This going round and round every month isn't helping anyone.

Agreed

Your buttons were pushed, Luke. The same old ones. The way to not allow that is to find new ways of dealing with this.

I am not being hard on you. I hope you know that. It comes from a place of caring.

I want to make it clear that I do not believe that you should be verbally abused, nor should you suck it up. But you do need to work though some of the stuff you are still holding onto or this will continue.

You know I have felt all along that this was moving too quickly. Others may disagree and that's ok. But I have seen it on here and in real life way too often. Things have to be resolved in order to move forward and build a new foundation.

She feels guilty and like she cant do enough to satisfy you. You don't feel like she is all in and are still reeling from the affair and the sex issue. Those are big things to get through, but, you must.

What do you want, Luke? Are you fully committed? Its ok if you aren't. Just realize that. And if you aren't then you have to accept that she may not be either. Doesn't mean this cant work. It's just that reality has to be accepted in order to figure out how to continue.

I want to be ... I guess its a cycle, I am waiting for things from her before I consider myself 'all in' .... much of this has to do with the several times she bounced from OM to me, this week really felt like that ... no contact still but like I said .. the Ghost is there, something I am processing through.

I think she is as committed to the M as she can be right now, is it enough for me ... no. But thats ok, its more than she was this time last year. Its like she wants that warm secure feeliing ... she almost seems to need it, I had hopes with that she would work through her issues and she was. Then the job came back into play, something flipped on and these things are now placed on the back burner and no longer being addressed. This has my attention, she was doing well... very focused on herself and improvements and now the stress of the job is back, she is struggling to keep up with normal errands we all have. I noticed it takes her so much longer just to do these things, the more rushed she gets the more she panics and things take her longer. Just observing ... and have tried to help out quietly where and when I can without her realizing it. (Doing all S's laundry, sweeping up outside, vacuuming, cleaning all the dishes she leaves in the morning) ... she is so frazzled as of late she thinks she did these things (Mentioned the other morning 'where did I put the crockpot... I had washed it and put it away)

I am trying to stay calm, observe ... but yeah at times I also do not want to be beat on any more. I need to just let this happen and allow her to figure herself out. I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me .. I know that much ... nor do I want her to feel trapped or caged. I think the vaca will hit at a perfect time for me .. I could use a break .. get away from here for a bit and just 'be'