Finally asking for help:

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Thank you so much for your post. I am a christian, and I struggle with what to do about that. In my head I want this woman to know to protect her family. I worry that it would make my wife insane once she found out what happened. That it would most likely push them together because I would be removing the biggest blockage in them being together. She does have a right to know. She also has a newborn, and I worry about the stress and heartbreak it would put on her in that postpartum place.

1. Your wife may go insane and absolutely be angry with you. She'll say "This is the last straw" and "I was thinking of giving you and I another shot but you just blew it". She may immediately file for divorce. Just remember this -

a. it's the right thing to do and nobody ever regrets doing the right thing

b. your marriage can survive her anger, but it can't survive her ongoing and no end in sight secret affair with OM

c. affairs thrive on an illusion - once the truth is out it's no longer pretend....real life and baggage comes into play instead of vacation romance at some hotel while he's supposedly on a business trip they've got to sneak around stealing conversations and moments in the dark like sewer rats constantly on guard and wondering who is watching them.

2. It MAY push them together but that's just temporary. Typically once the OM's wife finds out the OM dumps the side-piece and focuses on saving his primary relationship with his wife and family. That's not always the case. It's rare but some do file for divorce (some being some betrayed wives immediately file and some wayward husbands file to be with the affair partner). In those instances you are better off knowing NOW that that is going to happen than to prolong the agony of trying and holding on to the secret hoping you, alone, can manage to split them up. Besides, betrayed wives are SOOOOOOO much better at splitting up affair partners than betrayed husbands. If saving your marriage (or just getting a shot at saving your family) is your thought process here, you can't "save" anything until the affair is over and "no contact" is established.

3. The worry about her newborn and the shock sounds like a rationalization you are telling yourself to feel better about going against your instincts to tell her. Providing her the truth about her life isn't the problem or what will cause the stress, it's the fact her husband is cheating on her that is. She needs the information so she can protect herself from his abuse (adultery IS abuse).

4. The command "fear not" appears over 300 times in the bible. "Some time later, the LORD spoke to Abram in a vision and said to him, "Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great." Genesis 15:1 (New Living Translation).

5. Again...do not discuss, hint or threaten telling OM's wife with your wife. It's much better to just do it (like ripping off a band-aid) and then stand by it as "sorry, but I felt it was the right thing to do and my feelings matter too".

My children are 9, 8, and 6. I don't know if they are really ready to know this. They are some of the sweetest and brightest lovely little girls in the world. I will give it some thought, but my gut is that they are still too young to know. Bless you brother for reaching out and I am so sorry that you went through this.

Just commit yourself to not lying to them on her behalf. Children are narcissists and will instinctually believe that the problems you two are having are about them. If and when you shoo-shoo them away from asking questions or try to tell them that what they are seeing isn't really happening they begin to question reality and wonder why all the adults are whispering and arguing in private and what they've done to cause this situation. Age appropriate things might include a statement like "mommy and daddy are having a relationship problem...when you are married you aren't supposed to have another boyfriend...I love you very much and this has nothing to do with you or your sisters...I love mommy and our family very much and hope things can be back to normal soon". Remember this always, they're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. If your wife didn't want her kids or anyone to know, she shouldn't have done it. If your children are in blissful ignorance then you can probably hold off for now. Really it depends on the kids. Our kids were inquisitive and the lessons they've learned about love, marriage and relationships in the 15 years since have been tremendous. Dishonesty serves no one but the devil.

Notice I didn't ever suggest saying "mommy and I love you all very much". You can't speak for your wife right now. Your wayward wife is in wayward mode and loves only herself right now. She doesn't "love" in the verb sense of the word, your daughters right now. Thus, you can't promise anything about their mother because their mother may just up and leave the country and abandon you and them tomorrow or next month. All you can promise and say is how you feel and what you will try to do and hope for.


After thought - it may be a good idea for you to have a handheld voice activated recording device on you to use to record any conversations you have with your wife immediately after you tell OM's wife. Many wayward wives take their anger to an extreme and either physically attack their betrayed husbands or even start punching themselves then calling the cops to have you arrested. The hope is that it will remove you from the home AND give them an excuse to tell others about how you are this abusive controlling husband before they find out she's dating some guy in another country. They also do it hoping that OM will leave his wife and come and save her from you. In other scenarios they just say all sorts of self-incriminating things like "I'll make sure you never see your daughters again and make you pay alimony through the nose"....which are statements wonderful to catch on a recording device if and when you ever proceed to a custody battle. Most likely you won't need it...but an an ounce of prevention goes a long way when things get ugly. I used a MP3 wristwatch with a recording function in my situation. Never needed it but documenting the truth about our situation ...just in case....helped alleviate some anxiety. Please realize that if OM lives out of the country and he has children there himself that the fantasy of them being together probably involves your wife getting custody and moving with her children to his country. Depending on your jurisdiction that is almost impossible to do but false allegations and charges of abuse would/could help her out immensely in achieving such. Watch yourself and don't allow yourself to get baited and have a recording device handy just to protect yourself from the somewhat common crap wayward wives pull.