Summer of Growth and Acceptance - Part 2

[Painter]

It was also about trying to cut through the stuff he is saying that is not accurate/the rewriting of marital history by throwing in some corrections or truths.

I have not been able to hold my tongue on that, either. It really got to me when H dismissed my caretaking for 10 years of his kids and mother.

[V2pt0]

Had a great workout yesterday between bootcamp and a walk. Then last night had a Meetup group where I met some new people that could turn into friends. The rest of the week I plan to catch-up on reading that I feel behind on while I was traveling last week. I am about 1/2 through Co-dependency NM and I want to reread DR after the last two interactions with H.

H has not been home, so it has been nice and peaceful. I just feel like I have the space to detach. While I am not 100% pleased with the way the conversations went, I am 100% happy with my decision to bag up his things and put them into garage. His level of disrespect for me is clearly an issue and it seems putting my foot down about A was a step toward gaining that back.

I am still dissecting some of the things he said to see what else I can work on. Trust is a huge factor with him, which I get. He is not sure I can earn that back. I just want to toss out one of the things that he says caused trust issues so that I can get feedback from others. We we first got married, I was adamant about maintaining a checking account of my own. It was a way to maintain some independence and to have a safety net. This was hounded into me by my mom. I did not really think anything if it. It was clear after a few years that my H had issues with this so I relented and we changed to a joint account. He clearly still holds resentment for this. Every married female friend I know has a seperate checking account. I said I was sorry that he felt I could not trust him, but that it was primarily about maintaining some independence. Is it so weird for a W to have her own account? For the men on here does this cause trust concerns for you? I guess it does not matter. It clearly did for my H. It just seems outdated in thinking.

I need to do some reading on rebuilding trust. Any book recommendations?

[V2pt0]

Ok, some more reflection. I realize my biggest issue with detachment, or lack thereof, is the irrational statements from H. That is what draws me in the most with the unproductive conversations. I can't seem to walk away or STFU. I instead feel the need to try and make him see how he is being irrational, which then causes me to act irrational. What a vicious cycle.

Case in point, on Tuesday when we spoke, he tried to convince me that I don't understand that he is justified in having A because his needs were not being meet. That the relationship he has with OW is no different than me speaking to my IC or a female friend. That I don't understand that he does not see a long term relationship with this person, so he can compartmentalize A and not have it affect his ability to clearly look at our M. Of course, I found myself drawn in to trying to rationalize with him, which is one big cheeseless tunnel. It is hard to find anything in this to validate other than his needs were not being met. I said I 100% agree with this and I have huge regrets. Should I just have left it at that, STFU and walked away? Just trying to learn how to better respond in the future. It is just so over the top crazy to me that I feel need to try and help him see the light.

[Zues126]

"I said I 100% agree with this and I have huge regrets. Should I just have left it at that, STFU and walked away?"


I think this is perfect. Validate what you can, and let your lack of validation towards the rest of his spew tell the rest of the story.

My DB coach told me once (way back when STBX and I were still interacting) not to worry...that silencing my own voice wouldn't become the model for a new M...it's just that until there are two people interested in working towards a M it's just not the time to voice issues with the R. And issues with him are issues with the R. Because once you let go of the R there are no more issues with him. So that's what you do. Let him figure out what he needs to figure out. Once he realizes you're gone and not chasing after him he might realize that he can't define what's fair and not fair for you, or that if he does you won't play along. He can point and stomp but if he wants a real relationship he'll have to live in the real world. Warning- he may not be able to step up to that, so don't wait up.

As for the checking account...the concept of a 'safety net' feels really diminishing to me. I suppose it's like a pre-nuptual agreement. I was all in in my M. It reminds me of the priest at my church talking about the old lady that climbed into the donation tray, because she was "giving herself to God". I don't want to be in an M while constantly keeping a smooth plan B. I would rather be destitute and taken advantage of in my old age than not fully put my faith in my partner.

That is just my reaction to the phrase 'safety net'. (Funny, people told me to do the same, have money with a family member, whatever. Ick.) As for separate checking accounts, that's to me not entirely the same thing. I believe in the joint checking. It may be outdated, but separate checking accounts seems like sleeping in separate bedrooms to me, or maybe even separate homes. It changes things from "us vs. the world" to separate lives kind of a feel. I'm not sure this would be a deal breaker for me, you have to make lots of sacrifices in an M, but I can see feeling very distanced and disconnected.

Just my thoughts though. The heck of it is that he walked out. So it's a pretty *#&%^ time to play the trust card. I mean, he's got some points, but it's hard to see past the betrayal at this moment and the hypocrisy of what he's saying.

[V2pt0]

Thanks for your view on the checking account thing. My mom was told to do this by her MIL/my grandmother. My grandfather had an affair and left her. I can see your view point, but then I read stories on here with SAHMs that are basically being (censored) over by their Hs and left with no money and trying to keep it all together. I realize it goes both ways, but in many cases with WAS' it is the women that seem to get the shaft financially and I think historically this has been the case. So, that is were the safety blanket worry comes from. Again, not saying that WAW could do this as well. Maybe my H was paying for the transgressions of other WAH, but guess what, he is now a WAH threatening to take 1/2 of my retirement if I go the route of L and spending our money on an A. Luckily, I have a successful career. I think about all of the LBW on here who are having to be strategic due to finances where maybe they would have more options if they had a safety net.

Had a great IC session last night. Had not been since late June. She told me how great I look and how mentally healthy and strong I seem given all that as transpired over last few weeks. I explained some of what has transpired and my communication with H. Said it was excellent communication--straight and to the point and healthy that I am starting to set more boundries. Said my H seems to be grasping at everything and anything to justify A and his actions and seems like a confused mess. She got a kick out of my H comparing his having A to me seeing her to get through this.

I truly have been getting compliments left and right regarding how I look and how happy I seem, so I must be projecting some change. Whether or not H sees it, I have no idea and I guess it does not matter since it is for me.

[V2pt0]

I know I should not be giving OW time of day, but it is SO tempting to want to send her the code of ethics for HR professionals as she has broken about half of them with my H. Not to mention she is in a PHD program for something similar.

[Painter]

BT, H's OW works for family services... I sent her a text once and asked how she of all people could try to break up a M and hurt a family.

It's difficult to be quiet and just validate when you're confronted with lies and irrationalities. It takes practice and clarity of mind. I take two steps forward and one step back...

If his needs were not met, he obviously had a number of options - changing the way he went about things, talking to you, suggesting MC, or separating. An A just introduces a new problem. And to me, it demonstrates a use and throw-away attitude to partners, if it's just about getting your needs met *by whoever*.

I think he's reaching in order to try to defend his actions to himself. I had to think of H as a mental patient or an alien species in order to get through some of our conversations... Put on my tourist glasses and pretend I was watching something fascinating.

[Painter]

I'm torn on the separate checking accounts. As a woman, I see that we as a group make choices that put us at a disadvantage if we are left or want to leave, because we usually put the relationship first and don't think about securing ourselves - or we rely on a guy to take care of us. For most men, that's not an issue. I understand why a mother and grandmother would advise the next generation to be independent. I've done the same thing.

But I think it's more important to have our own income, retirement accounts, real estate investment (meaning, make sure you contribute to any mortgage), and plan for the future, than having a separate checking account.

In most jurisdictions, it's still going to a be a marital asset. Those laws were put into place exactly because women were left destitute in the past. If someone is too worried about having their financial future compromised, they probably should co-habit instead.

BT, did you find out from you L if an A impacts the financial division and H's ability to go after your retirement? It would in our state.

[V2pt0]

Painter, did you sent text before you and your H started piecing? Did he react? She must be worried as she has deactivated her FB account.

With regard to the checking, I also did not get married until I was 32, so I think it was more about maintaining a bit of independence. Clearly, it was not that important to me since I added H and he closed his checking account. The bigger point is that H never communicated how he felt untrusted until two days ago. So it is not like I refused to do it.

No, my state is no fault, so an A really has no bearing. However, I can petition for a different settlement with regard to him leaving right after his schooling.

I wonder how busy this site is going to get with the Ashley Madison data?

[Painter]

I sent the text after I found out about the A, but before we started MC and piecing. I think I also told her that she would be named as a party in the at-fault D that I would file for. Yeah, I was mad.

There may be laws even in a no fault state that impacts the division of property if the divorce is due to an A.

I think your H is coming up with a lot of bogus 'reasons' to justify his actions and take the spotlight off himself. Marriage is about adapting and negotiating, not holding on to silent grudges.

H and I were talking about the website - their slogan is 'Life is short. Have an affair.' It's disgusting. And it's exactly what H said to me... 'Life is short, I want to have some fun.'

Oh, OW hasn't closed down her FB-page - that must be someone else? On the contrary, she has been very active lately, with lots of self-improvement posts and some really hideous selfies! I checked a few weeks back when I was suspicious of H and if he was in touch with her again.