I feel compelled to provide some background for Heavy's situation here as you may be missing some information.
Heavy's wife asked if she could live in an open M with the OW. Heavy said, "no, and if you continue do to this, then you need to move out." So Heavy's wife moved out of the marital home into her own place and is still involved with the OW who lives several miles away.
You need to understand that Heavy's W wanted to work things out "amicably" among themselves without L's involved. Well, when W presented a very one-sided agreement to the mediation, Heavy was advised to pull out of the mediation (by yours truly) and get her own L. At that point, Heavy's W countered by filing for a D.
In this scenario, the only option at this point is for Heavy to drag out the D for as long as possible. We also suspect that Heavy's W is probably in MLC which is a whole different ball of wax than just a WAW.
Thanks, Wonka. As I stated above, I didn't know enough about Heavy's sitch to comment specifically. As a general rule, I don't mind dragging out a potential divorce action if it benefits the betrayed/left-behind spouse to do so in some financial or legal way, but I'm still not a fan of the whole "standing" thing for any prolonged period of time, MLC or otherwise.
The issues I could think of right now, is that we didn't have enough time together/ we were so caught up with our little kids. Also I suspect H might be having issues with depression & alcohol, which might be making it even more difficult for him to have clear thinking.
H said he does not feel like working on our M right now, though he said he is confused and doesn't know what to do. (Thus he made no movement, not ending A, not moving out etc)
He is still in contact with OW, so there is no C mentioned yet...
And have you been doing any changes on yourself? Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, etc. Maybe he needs a "reminder" as to why he married you in the first place.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Physically I have lost some pounds which I always wanted to, but couldn't. Of course not a very ideal way of losing weight, nonetheless I feel great about how my clothes fit right now. I also changed my hair, these things help me a lot on my self-confidence part. H said he still finds me very attractive and it seems he is tyring hard to keep his hands off me.
Emotionally I am still struggling a lot. I have a lot of anxiety. I am trying to find what makes me happy regardless of who I'm with or not. Honestly I have been this way all my life.
For GALing, I have some limitations with little kids, and I am naturally an introvert person. But I am trying to get out of my comfort zone by going to dinner with people, or doing things by myself, and looking at some cooking or Spanish classes (which I have tried before but was pushed back to the bottom of the to-do list since kids)
It will be a slow progress, but I keep telling myself this will be for my own good no matter what...
It will be a slow progress, but I keep telling myself this will be for my own good no matter what...
It's imperative. I've never seen anyone successfully affair-bust or Divorce-bust without a really good GAL plan. It builds your own self-confidence, and it re-attracts your spouse, and it has the side benefit that if your spouse DOESN'T come to their senses, you're then all that much more emotionally and physically healthy for the next guy!
So H said he is going away this weekend with us. I'm happy he is going, but also nervous. How should I behave? I don't want to look like pursuing, but I want all of us to have a great t ime too. I am hoping this breaks his bad cycle of thining and he can relax a little bit with family and friends.
I know I shouldn't initiate the conversation, but H is not a very talkative person to start with, I don't want to look like I'm ignoring him either.
Hi Anna, I agree with Starsky about prioritising the classes. Put some GAL at the top of your list and extend yourself. Also, what about a little social GAL with the kids too, where you get to meet up with other parents while the kids do something?
In terms of the anxiety and happiness, that sounds like an important area for you to have a look at. And this horrible situation may well be a catalyst for you to move forward in this area. Just a thought, but have you had a look at the TED talks at all? I saw one the other day by Shawn Achor (I think!) on happiness. He has written a book on it, but recommends a 21 day plan where you do 5 things each day - exercise - list 3 things a day you are grateful for - journal a nice thing that happens every day - meditate (tried the Headspace app?) - do a random act of kindness. These things - he says - will bring you greater happiness. Brene Brown is also worth a look on TED too, as is Amy Cuddy.
In terms of how to behave with your H this weekend. Maybe have a think about the usual dynamic and change things a little. If you normally always open up convos in the car, maybe just put some music on and sit quiet and content. Please remember that you have nothing to fear here. You are not the one currently pursuing an OP outside of your M.
At the wedding, if you normally stick close to your H - try and extend yourself and reach out to others. Leave him to it a little more and enjoy seeing relatives you may not have seen for a while. But do everything WRT him in a pleasant and NEIGHBOURLY way.
Look lovely, smell nice, enjoy feeling attractive....feel your inner power building....
Hope it all goes well for you xx
Last edited by Sotto; 08/21/1507:56 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
