Got fed up with Wife yesterday and told her I'm done with her!!!
In addition said I am going to start seeing others.
I have been following the DB Plan as much as humanly possible from where I stand and thinking of the kids and their happiness and she and I see things differently.
I'm all about making the kids happy given this messed up situation if for even a day or two and she's not open to helping by sleeping over in another room or even downstairs saying it's inappropriate and she will not be a guess in her own house.
My logic with sleeping in another room or downstairs is to ease the kids into thinking it's ok and not have them confused since their mother took them away...this is for my 6 year old. 9 yr old wants to live with me and stay and 2 yr doesn't understand. Wife is not helping and acting strong and thinking it's all about herself.
OK, where to start? First, I understand the feelings that led you to this outburst, and that you really do feel like this right now. Don't get me wrong, I do understand them.
What I am seeing in you is that you aren't giving yourself some fairly firm rules to hold to while you learn detaching better. You are still very reactive and giving her a great deal more power over you and your emotions than is healthy in this situation (or really ever). So, detachment is critical for you. But that takes time, and you need to develop some rules that you will try to abide by in the meantime.
These rules are basically when I'm detached I wont ....
So, in a sense you act like you already are detached even though you haven't yet gotten there. And you come here to vent your frustration, hurt, and fear where you can get support rather than acting out these with your W & worsening the situation.
One of these rules is not to threaten anything. If it is time to move on, you will be able to present this not when you are angry as something you need for yourself. You'll be nervous when doing it, and emotions will bubble up, but you'll still be able to do it in basically a calm manner and you'll be able to discuss it w/ your W rather than argue. You'll be able to listen to her response and validate. These will help your sitch.
Threats made in anger or pain will make your sitch worse. First, the signal you are sending while you say "I am done with you" is "you really have a lot of power over me and I am really struggling being done with you." Second, she is likely to respond in kind. This can spiral things up, when you are really wanting to de-escalate the sitch. Now she may not cooperate in de-escalation, which it is imperative that you take on this role. You are the calmer of anxiety and pain, even while you are churning up inside. This is what you both want, and you are providing that to both of you.
The other problem w/ threats in anger is that you are unlikely to stick with them, which makes later promises to take a firm stand less credible in her eyes.
So, breathe. We almost all do this. We pick ourselves off, brush ourselves off, look at why we did what we did so we can learn from it, and get back to the fundamentals of DBing: detach & GAL most of all.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Got fed up with Wife yesterday and told her I'm done with her!!!
In addition said I am going to start seeing others.
I have been following the DB Plan as much as humanly possible from where I stand and thinking of the kids and their happiness and she and I see things differently.
I'm all about making the kids happy given this messed up situation if for even a day or two and she's not open to helping by sleeping over in another room or even downstairs saying it's inappropriate and she will not be a guess in her own house.
My logic with sleeping in another room or downstairs is to ease the kids into thinking it's ok and not have them confused since their mother took them away...this is for my 6 year old. 9 yr old wants to live with me and stay and 2 yr doesn't understand. Wife is not helping and acting strong and thinking it's all about herself.
It make me sick!!!
Sounds like you have some major CONTROL issues!
So do you think this new FDU plan will work better?
I forgot to mention that we had discussed the care of my youngest son who is 2 years old. My Wife has all these plans now...go back to School, get a Job, etc and I asked her about caring for our Son and she had answers like so and so we help with this or that. She said that if she was to continue to stay home at her moms and watch the boys and our youngest and if I don't want her to work I would have to give her money.
My issue is I'm confused. She watched and was always there for my others and now she is pulling this card and sort of cornering me for money to support her while she watches the boys.
Well, the reality is that if you have the only real income, you're going to be paying child support. She's probably cheaper than daycare, but you might find out what that would cost.
She also is going to have to learn to support herself financially more, as alimony is not so common any more, and usually shorter term from what I'm hearing. Also, it is one thing for you to support your whole family financially in one household, but the duplication of expenses in maintaining two households because of her wish...
As a former stay-at-home dad, I'd point out that she was doing a lot of unpaid work for your family, and helping her to find a career (say while she goes to school) seems to be to be a fair & reasonable expectation. It is a bitter pill perhaps, given the hurt she has caused you, but something to consider.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
