Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Hi Hope.

My H was the same way about his phone. We was secretive, never let it out of his sight & it was always dinging. Once he said the words he wanted to work on us, the 1st thing I said was he had to be fully transparent with his actions. That meant the phone, computer, everything. I explained what transparency meant to me. It meant no pass codes on the phone, passwords for all his email, Facebook, etc. it meant I could look at anything & everything whenever I felt I needed to. It meant no deleting anything unless I was sitting next to him until I decided I didn't need that anymore. It meant if he was talking to someone, he needed to tell me who. None of this was because I'm his mother, but because this is a very delicate time & I needed him to show me his actions matched his words.

Our boundaries now aren't necessarily about making me feel comfortable, but more about building the moot as our MC said. Our M is our castle & we have to build defenses around it to safeguard it from outside forces that would mean it harm. Our MC is a big Game of Thrones fan....lol So our boundaries are fairly simple really & they go both ways. My H doesn't give his number out to people who don't necessarily need it. H agrees that talking, texting or any kind of communication with another woman daily shouldn't happen. Same goes for me & other men(had never happened, but boundaries are equal). When we are talking to other people, we don't let them in the M. We don't talk about our problems, complaints or whatever with just anyone. If H is talking to another woman, not only does he tell me, but he pays closer attention to what is being said. If she starts leaning on him, talking about her problems, whoa is me crap, he ends it. At anytime if either of us are uncomfortable with who the other is conversing, we talk about it & if we can't reach a mutual agreement, then we end it. We both have to be comfortable with who the other is interacting with. They're really geared more towards H since he was the one who did these things not me. H told the MC that he didn't really need to ask for boundaries because my self-imposed boundaries were more strict than what he would ask of me. Then we have the common sense boundaries, no contact with OW period. Since there is a chance it could happen when he goes back to Cali, H said if she is at any event he is at, he will leave. There is also a chance OW could be in Las Vegas when we both go for s conference. H was very clear he wouldn't put me in a room with her unless it was a really big & he wouldn't stay in a room with her without me. She told a good mutual friend she was scared of me, so I'm really not too concerned, but boundaries need to be there just in case.

I don't snoop anymore. But I do still pay the bills & see the phone bill once a month. I was very honest with H that I wouldn't snoop, that I expected him to tell me, but that I may or may not look through the phone bill on occasion when paying it. H understands that I'm taking a risk trusting him. He knows this is a high value action & had to be met with the utmost integrity.

It's all baby steps & I still practice DB but on a different level now. This changed me. DB changed me. Things can't be the same as before, not just because it didn't work, but because I will never be that person again. It takes time though & both have to be committed to doing whatever it takes to make it work.