10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us?

[HPoirot]

Good morning SunnyB, Wonka, bravo61, Vapo, MrBond, and Zues126. I really appreciate your advice, encouragement, and 2x4s. I feel after all the great feedback that I have a way forward.

First, "doing what works" for me right now is ensuring I can peacefully take steps towards my goals everyday. I have specific emotional (confident happiness), parental (teach S12 to happily build whatever life he wants), lifestyle (living in my own home in Fl with S12), financial (make at least $1k a day with my business), career (honorably resign from my job eventually), and fitness (get back down to 190lbs at <15% body fat) goals.

The peaceful part of that is important. So I do not reach out to STBX, I do not see her, do not respond to her tirades, and I am simple and direct about anything I need from her (which up to now was very little).

One thing I have not done consistently is simply acknowledging her with a return email in a timely way when appropriate. So many of her emails (the only way I left for her to contact me) I find inappropriate and repetitive, so I delay even looking at them all and then take my time to respond simply b/c I'd rather think of and work on other things.

(What I did do, a few weeks ago, was send her an email calling out some of her recent unacceptable behavior and listing how I won't respond to them after she accused me of not responding to her. I said "I will not respond to your panic" among other things. The email worked for me b/c it shut down her thrashing and at me. Instead of worrying if I'm antagonizing her... I just state facts. In the process, she basically admitted she sends inflammatory emails and threats simply b/c I don't respond.)

One thing I see she has found out is if she can do something to me, then I have to respond. So she will threaten to take me to court for custody b/c she says she's afraid I'm not going to pay tuition and set a date. I respond reminding her I paid over $10k in tuition so far this year, and I paid for her rental cars, and storage for all our stuff, and life insurance for months, and she owes me almost $1.3k, etc. Then she thanks me, apologizes, and cancels the court date. I've allowed this to become a cycle. This is why I want legal agreements to end it.

All that to say, now I'm adding to my arsenal I simple reply to appropriate emails... "STBX. I'll get back to you on this ASAP." Simple courtesy.

This was suggested to me a while back but I never did it. Now I will to give her some acknowledgment while giving me time to respond in a way that works.

So I did this last night in response to her "I can't believe you're moving" email.

I got this quick response...

"Sure. I hope you're well. I I have been feeling so bad lately about so many things. Im really worried about how all of this is impacting S12 and the thought of you leaving really makes me feel such a sense of despair. I worry a great deal about it. at any rate I know you have to do what's best for you but I just really wish you could delay your move."

Which is about what I expected from experience. Some relief that I responded and an expression of her feelings about how terrible things are. Does this every time.

So, on Sunday I will send her an email. I will acknowledge her feelings of despair and worry, tell her of course I know how S12 must have us both in his life, say I want to work with her on this and I think it can work (repeating her words from her proposal), remind her I am moving to build a life for me AND S12, give her details about where I'm moving and that the location is about S12 (other kids, school, security, fun, etc.), and make a proposal which is basically her proposal plus my offer to pay for 70% of travel expenses to visit S12 as much as possible. I'll say we could set a travel schedule and I would look out for deals and purchase tickets in advance to make it as easy as possible on her. I will also ask her to let me know her concerns b/c I want to address all of them. I will tell her that her comfort with everything is important. I'll offer to pay 70% for the lawyer to make the agreement legal. I'll offer to go with S12 to sessions with the IC about the move.

I'll post that email when I come up with it.

I'll still see the lawyer. Still get my options.

B/c I agree with all... S12 needs his mom and if she's changed to where she is now in despair about seeing him and/or me move... well that's good.

If I can move with S12 and make sure she feels like she has all the access she wants to S12 and S12 is happy... that's fantastic for all of us.

If it's possible, I have to ask to find out and then work my ass off to make it happen.

I can do that.

Onward.