My H and I have been married for 10 years this July. In April, (we had a fight) he told me he wanted a divorce because he isn't happy, doesn't love me anymore, and is ready to move on. He had an apartment 2 weeks later and has been gone since then. We have two children D8 and D5. July 1st he filed for D.
Background... we have had a rocky marriage. He cheated on my via online dating and sexting women. He also was a porn user. I was insecure and began the life long pattern of checking up on him because I didn't trust him. I think for most of our marriage he has had an affair with someone (not physical that I am aware of). He has put us in debt several times because of gambling as well. I feel I wasn't really important to him. I would find more things that he was doing, and then next thing you know I am apologizing for getting emotional when we were discussing the issues.
I started reading DR in May. I don't feel divorce is the answer and would make our situation 100x worse. I am not from where we are currently living. I am 1000 miles away from my family. His parents and family are being very supportive. This is difficult on all of us. If D is what we are going to do, then I would like to move back close to my family.
I have been doing IC and talked with a DB coach. I feel like I am starting to be clear of the fog. I sometimes am confused with my H with his actions and second guess most everything. I am trying to remember to believe none of what he says and half of what he does, but sometimes I drift into moments of negative thoughts.
I want my family together, but am beginning to realize that I will be ok with out him. I don't think I ever really forgave him for the talking and texting with other women. I think by the time I was getting to an ok spot, he did it again. Then I would react and end up going overboard and being the one saying sorry.
M10 D8 D5 Ask for D April 26 MO May 12 Filed Jul 1 2015 Love, Hope, and Faith
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
drpqb20, I am so sorry this is a chapter in your life. If your husband has both porn and gambling issues your path will not be easy. I am new here with no experience in those issues, the vets will be here soon with good advice. Just know that we here support you and this is the place to be at this moment.
Thank you Cadet for the useful links. I have read the book (although in my foggy state) and should re-read it. I am unsure if H is WH or MLC. I have talked to a DB coach, but sessions ended in July.
M10 D8 D5 Ask for D April 26 MO May 12 Filed Jul 1 2015 Love, Hope, and Faith
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
DRPQB29, I am sorry you are going thru this. Believe me and the others that as awful as you feel right now if you look to this board for support you will soon feel better about your sit.
Read, read, read and post, it is very helpful. You will find similar folks in similar situations and you will find loads of advice to help you. You will not find a better support group anywhere.
It would be helpful for all if you were to create a signature with your demos as well because that helps remind folks of your personal sit. see mine below where I list my marriage length kids and a bit about what brought me here. Look for it under the My Stuff dropdown.
Good luck with your journey we are here for you.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
My WH is a gambler, drinker, smoker and womaniser. And I have kept going back for a long time and WH won't get help for his issues. He thinks he is absolutely fine.
Are you going to Gamanon?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/21/1512:45 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So, in May when H moved out, he was like a kid in the candy store. He started talking to a couple of women from the area on a dating website. He met up with at least two women. He took one on a double date with our couple friends. I was really hurt by this. I will admit at that time I was breaking all of the LRT rules. I was on a roller coaster ride that was spiraling out of control.
He was going out a lot with his friends to bars and getting drunk. He ended up with a DUI.
After that, he has had a wake up call. He isn't going out to bars as much or dating on the dating sites (so he says). I feel like his actions still aren't lining up with his words.
He is still sure that he doesn't want to reconcile. We had a talk last week about whether to sell our house and that I want to move back where my family is. He said he wasn't ready for this conversation. Since then, I was giving him his space.
It was my weekend with the girls. We went school shopping. We had a fun time. He did call in the afternoon to ask how we were doing. So, we talked for a min. then I said I had to go.
I was taking the kids to his parent's house to go swimming. I called and ask if he wanted to watch the girls swim. He actually came (in the beginning of summer I got a no).
We didn't have any communication on Sunday. On Monday, I had to bring the girls over to his house (works from home and watches kids in summer). He had a smoothie for me to have for breakfast. When I went to drop off things for girls, we talked about their day and his DUI situation. Then, he called me at 8pm, and we talked about his issues with DUI again, the girls, and randomness. He telling me about the books he is reading on happiness. Recommends that I read it.
On Tuesday, he emails me at work because he is buying something online and wants to know if I want one. He text me later to ask about a heath issue I have and if it is doing better. I didn't respond (didn't know I had the text), and he called saying I didn't respond to his text. Then he invited me to his parents house to watch the girls swim. I went for a bit, but then left because I had plans.
On Wednesday, he called me at work to see if I wanted to meet him and the girls for lunch. I met them, and he complimented me about my shirt. H and I had a good time discussing top news, politics, and random topics not about us. When I picked up the girls, I invited him to the house to have dinner with us. He said he would stop by. The girls already ate, so we ended up eating dinner together. We again had a good conversation about books he is ready for his happiness and business ideas.
On Thursday, he came over in the morning because he washes his clothes here, and then the girls can sleep late. He brought me another smoothie. He then called me at work to ask my opinion on his DUI issue.
I feel the above are positives, but still second guessing myself, and then I explain it away that he doesn't want to spend time with me and this is just happenstance.
Thoughts?
M10 D8 D5 Ask for D April 26 MO May 12 Filed Jul 1 2015 Love, Hope, and Faith
