LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

Fight for survival physiological gives children 'old' souls and a strength beyond their biological age. In that sense the issue isn't the illness itself but the location of the illness and the physical markers. My friend has a scar across her chest, there was a compact tumour across her diaphragm. That scar is her badge of courage, she had her children call it 'smiley' scar . Sadly a scar from a brain tumour has a different sense to others which get in the way of the pride of survival, none the less that survival is still there.

Its funny that. "Old souls". I felt this way when I was younger. Later in life, and especially now, I feel rather juvenile. Perhaps going through development I should've experienced many years ago.

I am not so sure. With compact tumours, especially large ones the body 'misses' the tumour, it hasn't recognised the tumour as damage, it's integrated and even has its own blood supply and often nerves, sometimes they have odd twists, like teeth or hair. The body has adapted to the compact tumour living within it, it is self, and even white blood cell counts are normal. The body isn't trying to destroy the tumour.

The conscious mind knows that a tumour is damaging but the subconscious mind hasn't that knowledge. Neither has the body that knowledge. There is loss and grief for the tumour within the body and surgery itself is traumatic. To a sense we replicate what we are comfortable with and thence the body can replace the effect of the tumour and the body's opiates. It's familiarity seeking replication with acting out and artifice to return to the comfort zone.

theses very interesting and makes total sense. I am experiencing a similar phenomena ATM with "phantom" pains in my foot where the neural conection has been removed.

And the tumour has gone completely? So this is residual damaging.

The tumour hasn't completely gone per se, but MRI's show that the entire region of the brain stem is dead tissue.

There is the sense here in which there is a concentration on the physiological illness. It's hurtful to be ill and parents struggle with it. They want it to be over. Too little attention after intense illness is damaging, it's like turning off a tap, it tells a child this is over, the physiological part. It isn't over, it's just beginning. It's a perceptual filter that it's finished but there is a loss of a physiological part and a visible scar that permanently announces the losses.

It's inescapable because of the scars visibility, which is fine if it's smiley scar, a badge of courage, but no so much if it's defined as damaging in the eyes of others. It denies the realty of a serious battle won and for survival. To a large extent the true bravery of your battle for survival is subject to public denial. I think it isn't the illness that is the issue but the failure of the conversion of that illness to acknowledgement of bravery and survival. It denies the experience of the child when it needs to be validated. [/color]

This is some of the "stuff" that I mentioned. My mum has always commented on my bravery and strength and what I have now achieved. I am not dismissive of this is in the sense that I think she is being disingenuous, but I have always felt uncomfortable, even patronised by this talk. She tells me how at the time the medicos couldn't guarantee how well I would recover in any respect. At yearly checkups, my neurosurgeon always asked about my motivation, my intelligence, aptitude, activities etc. Generally he was impressed that I was so "normal". Immediately after BD,my father commented that I was the strongest person he knew and if anyone could get through this was it was me. Patronised again? I could count on one hand the number of times my father has complemented me on anything.

After reading your analysis I believe it was always genuine. The problem was that my mum went straight from A-Z. Possibly because I was too young at the time too really grasp everything in between, and now that she is at Z, and has been for decades, the in-between alphabet is assumed knowledge. You have fleshed out that alphabet for me today Vanilla, and I am eternally grateful for your "gift".

Thats my understanding too, and makes real sense. This is your strength too. The ability to survive the pain is a superhuman power, and it's deep in your internal physiology. The body opiates needed to do that build your tolerance. It assists in building your tolerance and has been instrumental in revising damage. Truly this is your route to freedom, this great strength has carried you through so far, whether you want it or not. My sense is you needed to hang on to the scars until you acknowledged this to yourself. You did this for you as a sort of defiance and partly as a [b]badge of shame[/b[. Jellyb has the same with the jigsaw scars. Once they have served their purpose you can let go.

Of course there are issues with this, the external badge is reduced. That too will release internally but you will look and feel different to yourself. The acknowledgement goes. The link will be reduced.

Freedom - I feel reborn today. The route to freedom seems like downhill stroll from here

Shame -this is it!! this has clouded my life. My IC had me complete score-beliefs exercise. Noting the trigger situation, my thoughts, response, potential core-belief, potential alternative AND lastly how I felt afterwards. She noted that in the last column, everything ended with GUILT. Then we talked about guilt and shame coming from the same place.


The ataxia is just with the eye?


Ataxia is on my whole right side. It is enough to be troublesome and annoying for me, but most people wouldn't notice. I can't really write anymore, although I force myself to every day lest the neural pathways die completely. I visited a neuro-physio a few years ago who had a grand old time experimenting and noting how my brain had re-wired itself in order to perform certain "tasks".

I am still thinking about the other issues raised in you very strong open and vulnerable post. Being able to be vulnerable on these issues is an enormous power to healing.

Of particular interest is your description of the girlfriend you describe as 'saving your life' and of your W who you describe as 'not the sharpest'. There is a contrast there which is worth an in depth examination. The former seems as if she is a parallel to the girls in school, a protector or saviour. Not necessarily 'motherly' maybe exhibiting some of those traits.

A year ago I certainly would not have described my W like that. I would've begrudgingly acknowledged it (if forced maybe). I would've said she was the warmest, kindest, sweetest person.

My long time X was also warm, kind, sweet (to a lesser degree maybe) and very generous. But she was also very strong, very sensible, very confident. My W certainly did not have these latter qualities. She "saved me" by being the love in my life and ultimately being tough enough to tell me when enough was enough.

I am pondering this. These are my thoughts as feedback, I hope it's useful.

V - you have been more than helpful. You have lifted the shroud on 30 years of "stuff".