You have to not have expectations and come to the realization that this could go either way. Seriously.
I'm trying to have no expectations but it is not easy. That and detaching have been huge struggles for me as you know.
I have been home a few days and it has been interesting.
First thing is "his room:" He painted and bought a box spring and bed frame so he is no longer sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Of course had all sorts of thoughts about this but really haven't let it throw me into a tizzy.
Wednesday he was gone most of the day but when he got home we spent time talking (no R talk) on the lanai. Couple of things stood out: -I asked if he told friend who wasn't sure how to introduce me to his girlfriend what was going on with us. He said last summer something came up and H told him we were having issues. -Told me that he slept on my bed a couple of times but his back felt tons worse than normal afterwards. Then looked a little online for a mattress... -This is also when he told me that his "first love" was trying to pick him up, and also how juvenile she seemed.
Nothing earth shattering for sure.
Later that night we were watching tv and decided that we were going to watch a new season of a series we both liked. He said we should watch it in our room because D13 kept coming out to the living room and it is not something we want her to see.
We watched 3 episodes and ended up once again being intimate...he initiated once again.
Last night and tonight he is sleeping in the other room.
I'm just going with it for now. Obviously it's a positive step. But you are right Mahhhty, it could still go either way. And the monotony of life and the financial issues that could arise and so forth.
Couple of other things I want to note. D13 has a tourney that requires an overnight stay. In the past I would take her and he wouldn't go. Well, he is going tomorrow so that's new.
Also, talking about some friends who are struggling right now and I made a comment about she wants to work things out and has some ideas. He very cynically commented "like what? Counseling?" So I know he will never agree to that, even though my IC continues to tell me to try to get him to come in with me.
So, I think you are all caught up. Kids start school on Monday so have been keeping busy during school shopping and such. I already have some subbing jobs scheduled so that is a positive, may still have an opportunity for a permanent position but we will see. Also it will be good to get back into a better routine and start running again. Although I was somewhat active on vacation I did a lot of drinking and unhealthy eating so time to get back on track. Plus I'm registered for a half marathon in November...yikes!
Hope you all have a great weekend!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Also, talking about some friends who are struggling right now and I made a comment about she wants to work things out and has some ideas. He very cynically commented "like what? Counseling?" So I know he will never agree to that, even though my IC continues to tell me to try to get him to come in with me.
One thing I talked about with my IC when I was going... was the idea that just because you believe something is the solution doesn't mean your spouse does. The inverse is also true... how he would fix the problem doesn't mean it is the way you would.
Moral of the story is... don't be pigeon-holed into an idea that there is only one way to fix this problem. You don't have to convince him to go to counseling, but you do have to work with him to come to a solution. Realizing that sometime people can work on their relationship without "working on their relationship."
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I’m just swinging by to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Mahhhty has some good points!
Hang in there . . . you will make it.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Totally agree with the counseling. I've actually told her my H wouldn't like her, and I really don't think he would. I don't think we need counseling to reconcile and make it work, we both need to work on ourselves and our M. Not getting ahead of myself tho, he is definitely on the fence and could fall either way.
We went to an out of town tourney with D13 (normally he doesn't go). He started out in my bed and ended up in D13's.
Last night he invited me to go for a ride on the Harley and we went and had a beer.
So, it could still go either way...and I'm trying to be ok with that.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
We were intimate again in which I learned he has been having some ED issues and he is very embarrassed/frustrated about. We haven't discussed it since that day (briefly) but this is going to be a tough one to navigate. I know I have to NOT make it about me, in my mind that is difficult because he has told me, in the recent past, that he isn't attracted to me anymore. And I know I need to validate his feelings and not try to fix it... (I've done a little online research and there are several things he could do that may help...stop smoking, cut back drinking, eat better for starters)...but I will STFU! Right?
I've been working a few days but when I'm not I make sure that I'm being productive and getting something done around the house or in the yard. Today I power washed the lanai!
H, D13 and I went on the boat on Saturday, we met SIL & BIL and some other friends. Always nice on the water!
Sunday I met a friend for dinner and drinks and tonight I met my running friend and we walked and got caught up.
I'm trying to stay balanced and make sure I keep living my life. We haven't had any conversations regarding our R but it seems mostly positive at the moment. I just need to not rush things and keep working on me.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Correct it isn't your place to fix him. Don't try. Lovingly support him in a nonconfrontational way. Don't be surprised if he acts poorly, as he is frustrated or embarrassed. Just make sure you don't react to his poor behavior.
Be the lighthouse.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Wow! sounds like you had a great vacation. I am not sure what to make of your sitch. One word of caution regarding intimacy: are there any concerns for STD transmission? Be safe.
Otherwise, continue being the W that H would be crazy to leave.
Thx Mahhty, I have to make an effort not to react, now that I know the situation it will be easier. I know this must be killing him considering how important sex is to him, I also worry that it may make it that much more difficult for reconciliation if he jumps to that side of the fence.
Hi RAI, I don't think there are any concerns for STDs. He may have had a brief PA last summer but I'm pretty certain there has been nothing physical since he's been home.
I've been a little frustrated with the whole situation for the past few days. I need to regroup and refocus on me. I have no patience and have to remember that I can only control me.
Quote:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference."
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
