5th month since finding out

[OhGreat]

BTW-I went with "goodnight, If you want to talk, I'd appreciate the opportunity to listen. I really hope you feel better tomorrow and have fun at the beach."

[OhGreat]

Journal
Tried to engage my wife yesterday when she was very moody and she snapped. Told me to move out, I smiled and said no. Said she would, I asked her if she needed help packing. That wasn't nice on my part, but I'm not perfect. She then threatened to hit me so I told her threats are not acceptable anymore. Anyway, she took the kids to the beach and I stayed out all day. No calls, no text. Just went to my kids practice. We see each other there, she is visibly angry, the takes my other kid to the mall. She did pick up dinner though for the family. Had fun with the kids, pleasant to her, she was very moody. After dinner I change and tell her I'm going out for coffee. She freaks-"You always change your shirt when you go out for coffee? I'm going to put on a mini skirt and go out when you get back". I said fine, asked why she was yelling though. Anyway I went to sleep when I came back, she stayed home.

She told me to cancel dance classes today (we've been going once a week) as she'd rather stay in bed and have a headache. Really, she said she'd rather have a headache than take medicine. I told her I was going to learn to dance with or without her though it's fun when she comes. Asked her if I could do anything to make her day a little better, she said no, so I let her know I hope she feels better, and excused myself.

So why the roller coaster? This past Sunday, she tells me that this has been a great summer etc. Monday am - today, she's been miserable. Is it that I called her out on her inappropriate relationship last week (EA?, PA?, just inappropriate? who knows?). I do know that I can't be affected by her moods anymore because they are too volatile, but I have to remain engaged and supportive, which is pretty tough. Anyway, I am so glad I built my office earlier this year or I'd be sitting at the dining room table trying to work.

[OhGreat]

I think I need to clarify, by engage I do not mean R talk. I don't do that. Engagement I meant was she was being nasty and sullen and I said it appears to me that there may be something bothering you....
Her answer was, you didn't notice for X years, I wish you wouldn't notice now. I didn't get angry, that however really pissed her off. I guess I only took her bait half way, next time I ask and walk if her reply is hostile or non receptive.

[sandi2]

Then, it comes time for sports for one of the kids to start up. EVERYTHING changed-her mood, attitude, you name it.

My experience has been to see the WW in these quick change moods when something interferes with her A, or things with her and OM aren't like she wants it.

Any insights you got, I'd love to listen.

I have several threads on the subject of the wayward wife, if you are interested. Cadet posted the link to the first one. "Help for newcomer LBH'S with a WW".

[OhGreat]

I interfered with her A. Here's what happened. Found out about an affair from November. She swore up and down it was over in December. OK. So I 180, and things are improving, however, sports start up and an old coach starts needing a lot of help b/c his wife left him. Anyway, I figured it was one or the other that was causing my wife to slide. Long story short, I drive by the old dude's house and see her car in the driveway. I call, no answer, call no answer, finally she calls back. Lies about where she was, I confront him and her. Now, since he's being evicted currently, I assume they got no where else to meet. Besides, nothing was going on. lol.
So, I was cool and just said that the relationship was not appropriate. She was fine for a few days, but now she is raging. She is yelling at me for staying calm, for validating, for detaching. Glad to see grandpa at practice though. She just told me that she knows I feel better with her having a chaperon as if a week ago she wasn't alone in another man's house and then lied to me about it. I'm really being tested. My coach says to validate and smile and talk calmly. This makes her nuts. Disengage, this makes her nuts. EVERYTHING makes her nuts. If I go out, she tries to go out too. She keeps upping the ante on everything. I can't figure it out. Like what's next etc. She really does act jealous though, but I don't know if she's just looking for any justification, or projecting or what.

[OhGreat]

So I could really use advice. My coach seems to suggest I not give tough love but I gotta tell you, after listening to my WW complain about not having free time w/o the kids or "a chaperon" I'm really tempted to pack her crap, drive it to the dudes house and give them a refrigerator box to sleep in for when he's evicted. I'd actually be very ok with that. It's sleeping next to her pretending I care about her that is my problem right now. Sorry I'm venting, but tough love I can do np.

[OhGreat]

She said this AFTER my kid's game, we were all gonna go out. She told my Ds that she wasn't going out and that dad would take them. Sorry, but this is a red line for me. Kids are not equals in a relationship. She should not, and I will not accept communicating through them. I've done that for too long. This is a 180 I am firm on.

[OhGreat]

Journal-
Oooh she really hates that I don't yell. Hates when I say "I appreciate your honesty" or validate. Even mocked me for it. That was fun. So, here's today's goodies.
I am "up her a$$ at" my kid's sports thing: "Other men don't go all the time. Other families don't hang out together. I ruined her zen place." Mind you, last year: "other men went, her friend's criticized me for not going and I my son wanted me there." Oh well.
I also have too much time on my hands because I work from home. "Other men travel to the office" and do other manly stuff I guess, but I get to stay at home and work and make a good living, so that's bad. She doesn't work of course, but I have idle time. I told her I would get a new job, she said I'd do it to screw her. "Only a crazy person would give up" what I make, or "to screw his wife in the end." I asked what that meant, she backtracked.
She then started crying, saying that I don't get to turn back time by being perfect now and get another shot. Started talking about our (lack of) intimacy and how bad I was for treating her like a toy and then not cuddling. Of course there are two sides here like above, but I don't see how my side matters really at all. It's counter productive right now. This time she did accept some validation. Then said she was done talking. Let her know I appreciate her honesty. Told me to shut up. I said I'm going to my office, then I'll be heading out after the township comes today to inspect some things.
BTW and again, can I just point out, for no other reason than I can't believe (proudly) that I didn't say it before: Is she kidding me? Up her a$$? LAST WEEK I found her lying about being at a guys house, this after I found out she had cheated on me.

[tkdmme]

Wow,

I just read about your situation. I don't have the problems that you are dealing with but I don't think it matters when it comes to DB.

My wife doesn't speak to me at all. She seems happy that I have left her alone and stopped the pursuit. Like you I didn't do much in the way of housework and I also was distant with my kids to some degree. Since BD I have started doing more around the house. There were a lot things that needed to be fixed.

Hang in there. If your situation is anything like mine, its going to be a long road.

[OhGreat]

Mine's literally all over the map. So her last words to me before were all angry, I left. Now I came back in to let her know that we passed an inspection. She starts joking around. As soon as she got tense I excused myself again. BTW 2 of my 180s were no drinking or smoking, which while quite amazing, may make me insane as I got very little left in terms of stress release.

I am grateful for how friggin nuts some of her statements have been though. It really has made it easier to detach emotionally from her nonsense.