My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

Late ... NC with kids is just impossible, no getting around that. What I did was just went NC when it came to anything but S .... W figured this out over time and would use this as a hidden door to communicate .... ie pic of S, to which I would reply every now n then "cute pic ...TY" and she would fire back something nice n sweet just to make sure I was still on the hook. Took some time to wiggle off that hook for me.
S8 and W too had issues ... Like you .. I opt'd for the "The R between you and S is just that .. .between you and S" this worked for some time till W was convinced I was plotting S against her, which led to a truth dart that it was not me who kissed OM in front of S then labeling OM just a "friend" ... kids do understand a lie when they hear one. This was towards the end of the A.

I'm being very diligent in not allowing myself to be drawn into that mess. Something I picked up from reading over your sitch, Cali. I gained so many insights there, I don't think I can ever thank you enough.

This is one area where it easy for me to hold my ground. When she starts spewing that it's my fault, I firmly tell her it isn't. That the kids are capable of thinking for themselves and that it is between them. When she continues with the assault, I don't dignify it with a response and start looking to leave the conversation. I've taken a page from your playbook and refuse to discuss anything significant over the phone or via text.


This is the tough part ... they want you where they left you, they will expect to cake eat ... keep you as option #2 as long as they can. Almost like training wheels ... afraid to ride without them or the LBS having a hold of that bike fearing they will crash. Amazing what seems to happen when the LBS is able to drop the rope from a place of strength.

Getting closer to that place of strength. Each and every time I don my spew jacket, I withdraw a little more, I move a little further from the situation. The constant pain in my chest is becoming a dull ache and I am not thinking about what she's doing at all.

I think its just nearly impossible to expect a LBS who is still dazed and confused from BD to detach after 20 years with someone. I had no idea who I was without my W, which was part of the problem .... I slowly and surely stopped being me, and to be honest it was not like I could go back 20 years and dig out the old me and say .. here I am .. now Love me. This is why I think the reinvention portion of this is so vital .... seems more so for the LBH as our confidence/self esteem seems so tightly bound to how we are perceived as attractive... which is rough as that's exactly what takes the biggest hit with the BD, A and OM in the situation.

I never considered it that way. I know my self esteem was obliterated. It's slowly coming back. I can look in the mirror now and be relatively content with what I see. I'm 6'4" 190lbs (Lost 40 lbs from the awesome MLC diet) I weigh as much as I did when I was 19, but I'm the strongest I have ever been in my lifetime. I need it too, S16 is a big boy and we wrestle pretty often.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. With pretty much everyone else in my life, I'm pretty easy going and I crack a lot of jokes. With W, all of the walls are up, well over my head and I can't seem to relax and just start cracking jokes. I don't like that one bit. Rather enjoyed making her laugh in the past, but find myself unable to get to that place now.


No Clubs ... as AJ said .. you already self inflict plenty ... but even then in this case I do not see anything club-worthy.

The meds, depression, and drinking are tough. My W has had bouts with the depression ... like you I was/am scared about her facing what she has done and really flipping out about it. Seems currently we are in a "Don't ask/Don't Tell" policy ... but I see her crack here n there.
Thing is ... what I learned the hard way. You can not fix her depression, you can not talk her through it, during the crisis I had to force myself from trying to 'help'. I would protect S and do what I could there ... but W needed to figure it all out without me. Was like tough love parents at times have to do with their own kids ... in a "We Love you but can no longer watch you do this to yourself" approach. W during a dark moment begged me not to leave, knowing OM was in the picture Also knowing he was not there to take care of her .... and reading here to let the OM fill ALL her needs .. I told her I could no longer be that guy ... she cried and said "But you are my Rock" ... I reached into the water feature we had bought years ago .. placed a rock in her hand and told her "Here is your new rock, I can no longer be a part of this life you are leading" and out the door I went ..... cringing the entire time mind you as I realized I just handed my hot-blooded W a very hard projectile.

I actually accepted a long time ago that I couldn't cure her of her depression. I have tried to offer support when she needed it and give her time to listen to music / draw / write when she needed that. The rough part is the therapy / meds. I feel like I can't bring them up, but also know that she needs professional help to deal with it. Similar situation to her drinking. If I try to "force" her to get help, it doesn't work. If I sit around and do nothing about it, I feel like I am enabling her. Felt like my hands were tied. It is interesting to watch her sometimes. She has been so fervent in convincing people that OM is great for her that she keeps insisting to me that she doesn't drink any more.

Just the other day, she told me she hadn't had a drink in 3 weeks, yet I was able to think of 4 different times that week alone that she had been drunk. I'd love to see her get sober, don't care what her motivation is, as long as it works for her. I just don't get the current attitude. It's almost like she's asking me to challenge her. (Which I don't, I stay well clear of that.

I am not saying ditch her late ... but she fired you, for the time being let OM fill ALL her needs... sounds like this is not going to happen, which is good.... she needs some alone time to sort out the mess, figure out what she wants ... all while you are creating a better version of yourself.

Excellent advice as always. Thanks again, Cali.