Hey uR ... always a good word and helping me continue to grow.. thank you.
Yeah ...I get the disrespectful love pats ... plus that's a trigger from the old M to her hence why she compared it to my concern about the 'digs'.... its hard for me NOT to do that but I have learned she takes them 180 from how I mean them ... so I restrain myself.
I was trying to process 'aloud' if you will. Lately looking at myself and my feelings I am cycling a bit ... not stable ... granted I am not throwing stuff one day, crying the next ... but I do feel some cycle between 'ok new M and new future' with fears of the 'old M old issues creeping in'. W and I discussed them a little and how I shared that those undelt with issues in the old M were a catalyst in how we got to the point we did (leaving MLC out of this). She did bring up the fact that we just never knew how to cope/deal with them .... was a true point, one we do seem to at the least be doing some of now. But that respect thing I have focused on as of late ... and we all know when you focus on something it becomes bigger. You might be onto something there uR, I do feel in a way she was 'allowed' (Does not seem like a good word ... but can not think of anything else here) back into the M maybe to easily ... like she had her A and all the 'fun', did not work out and here I am #2 who did not 'go anywhere' .... I have wrestled with this ... granted she could have easily went OM2/3/4 or chose to be solo ... but in a way I do wonder if I let her back in to easy... Conversely its not like I want to punish her either ... maybe somewhere in the middle?
The OM thing ... yeah I agree .. and did not intend on it 'that' way .. I was very matter of fact about it but thought about it after, I would not want to hear about it anymore than I would need to if I was her... but the fact I never seen him in person, only the ONE pic he had on FB and Instagram (same pic) its like he is a ghost who continues to haunt ... less and less but a ghost just the same.
As far as the rings/FB status ... oh left out she changed her FB to maiden name as well back during BD along with blocking me and my entire family. I am not 'as bothered' ... maybe just numb, but more so as I am still somewhat guarded, I think when the rings go back on its a sign she is fully committed. She has shared she talks at her new job with new people and her and a friend shared husband snoring stories, another that she told a guy her husband (me) cooked amazing chili and ribs that she misses and can no longer eat (dietary restrictions) around this time for football. There are some positives I should announce along with things that bug me. For now .. those things I listed do not need to be talked about (I just wanted to vent and get them 'out there' for later) .. I think in her time these will work themselves out, I do think however I will have to press her on the FB status/name as it just feels like she is living a single life through social media ... again her choice but not one that is 'trust building' and I think given the right time, that discussion would be an easy one. I laugh as my current status is also 'separated' an I do not want to change it putting pressure on her ... same reason I am not wearing my ring .... oh this crazy mess makes no sense does it?
We are 9 days away from family vacation, I am giving myself a goal to be PMA, Mr Funtimes and avoid any R talk or issues, I want this to a great memory for S .... and hopefully W ... the vacation thing is a huge 180 for me, W called me on it today in a joking way "I'm sorry, is this Cali? The same man who would not take a day off let alone an entire vacation?" I joked back "Mrs Cali this is officer Reaper and we are sorry to inform you the old Cali died but your replacement should be home shortly" ... did prompt a laugh and a snort .. to which she was not happy about .. new job .. embarrassment and all
