I just wanted to drop by and say thank you. You have been so brave in your description of you situation, your response and your willingness to take up advice and support for change.
Reading your sitch has triggered alot for me, and I am sorry if my tone and comments have come across as hard and unyeilding. This is the tone for which I use on myself when I am not being kind to myself about my sitch, my responses and feeling of powerlessness, my feeling of not changing fast enough.
You are doing well and gaining the insight you need. This is not the easiest of work to do. Zues has an amazing handle on this work, he understands the nauances of it more so than me. He is further in his recovery journey.
I am like you, slipping in and out of behaviours that are not helpful. Learning to put down control, to stop being the victim, "the silent suffer" is challenging. At the moment I am playing mini anthropologist. I now see the behaviours and conversations as they are playing out. I feel at times little control to intervene to stop it, but now instead of beating myself up, I take the stance of observing my response and interactions and attempt to find the triggering comment or event that has me engaging in these behaviours.
Anyway, I just wanted to say keep going. Keep reading, posting, keep reflecting, and most importantly keep loving you. For me this is a daily practice in not believeing every negative thing I think about myself. Even on this journey when we are take responsiblity for our role in the relationship with find ourselves in. The lesson is to be kind to yourself in the learning.
Lots of love and more light to you and children 4mykids
