I just read your entire thread. You write really well, and there was a lot there to digest, but I really related to you as you are a lot like me.
Have you ever read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy?" It really helped me a lot, and you strike me as a classic "Mr. Nice Guy" and somewhere along the line, your wife continued to CARE for you, but she lost her ATTRACTION for you. And it became an endless cycle as you tried to please her even more, which caused her to lose even more respect (c'mon, saying "I love you" was the first thing you could think of after she just told you she had sex with another man in Europe?? REally???) . . . and it cycled downward.
The key to this for us classic "pleaser" types is to remain a nice guy, without being a "Mr. Nice Guy." Whether you apply this in a successful attempt to re-attract your wife or just as a way to improve yourself for your next relationship, I'd encourage you to do some reading in this area ("Hold onto Your N.U.T.S." is another good one, as is "Co-Dependent No More.") Somewhere along the line, I think you lost who Solo was, and became hopelessly enmeshed emotionally with your wife.
The key to marriage is to be each other's "frosting" -- NOT the cake itself. You need to get your mojo back, and that's not going to happen soon as you're still grieving, but it's gotta happen.
