Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Thanks for taking the time to drop me some wisdom, Azzork. I deeply appreciate it. All these things ring as truth to me. I guess what I meant about OM being unobtainable was more that there is no way for the A to fizzle out because it is locked in this state of her wanting to be with him whenever he comes around, or her doing crazy things to leave and be with him. Part of me wants to buy her a plane ticket and say I keep the kids, have a nice life.

I am putting the breaks on things until I have some stability. My intuition is an amazing thing. I am learning that the more I trust it, the more truth is in my life. I deny what my intuition is telling me because I'm in survival mode all the time. I want hope, I want to insulate myself from the pain.

I'm not even sure how to express this, but while she was away, on the day it happened. I felt it. I don't know how to say it, but I had this sickness come over me. In my heart I knew. I waved it aside as just some random fear, but I knew. I don't understand it. It was like the spiritual connection got severed. Might have just been a coincidence, but it shines a light on some things for me. I could see through her lies, into her feelings. I saw echos of this in her behavior coming for years. The echos got louder and louder. I saw them, and I felt it. It depressed me, and I would try and reach out to her. Try to pull her back. I saw this all forming and no matter what I did, nothing changed the forward momentum. She decided to become this a long time ago. If I had trusted my gut, I would have done differently, though it wouldn't have changed a thing.

We look for hope as a defense mechanism against pain. What did that hope buy me? Pain. I can't change her. I can only change me. In that space for 6 years I grieved before I should have, but I knew in my heart it was ending.

I'm closing the door, but leaving a light on. I don't know how long I can hold out, and the next few weeks are going to be tough. Gotta get through it. I'm not some broken thing. My bones are steel.

Bless you all for your kindness and support in the darkest days of my life.