Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - III

[raliced]

Well RAI (and HeavyD),

I haven’t dealt with this particular peccadillo, so this is all just lip service on my part – but here are my thoughts…

You know, I share all these kinds of photos with STBX without his asking. Mostly because it means a lot to my daughters that he see picture of them at their various sports and other activities. It’s also how I handled the tricky Birthday situation – I gave him an album of picture of the girls (and from the girls) – the fact that these photos show the girls having a great time and going through significant life milestones without him? Well if that causes him a moment’s thought – that’s a bonus. By the way, I have never expected, nor received a similar gesture in return.

As far as cake eating goes – I dunno- I think you’re getting a little in the weeds with your definition. If she expected to go on your vacation with you as though nothing had happened – that would be cake eating. But getting copies of pictures? That’s parenting. And FWIW, no matter how your situation ends up, you’re going to be parenting together . Also- it would be one thing if she expected you to put together a scrapbook, but sharing phots? Pretty painless. Just send her a link to an online site without comment.

As far as the “she’s still in an affair- why should she get to do things like this” question. I will leave you with this thought. There is a difference between being the lighthouse, and being a towering statue of righteous and indignant judgment. I don’t think every interaction with our walkaway spouses needs to be agonized over , but maybe when these questions come up, ask yourself which one you are being? I think being the lighthouse includes a certain amount of graciousness, no?

[Fogg]

Rai,I feel the same about living with W still. Legally M but haven't felt like it in forever. At this point I miss the intimacy a lot also, more than W maybe. I do still love her but I don't obsess or think about her much anymore. Work is helping tons with that but I can see now with kids and work how I'll likely not find anyone else for a long time. Not that I'm focusing on it too much,being alone for a while could be good for me also.

[RAI]

In the larger picture, should we not turn the other cheek?

Heavy,

It does help to know I am not alone in feeling the way I feel. I also agree that we should turn the other cheek (see my reply to raliced below). I am trying sooo hard to rise above things and not be petty - hence my username and the name of my thread. I just have such difficulty doing it right now. Just not there yet.

no matter how your situation ends up, you’re going to be parenting together.

Raliced, I hear you 100%. I know the righteous indignation is a defense mechanism. I know it prevents me from detaching and focusing on myself. I know all this intellectually. I am just struggling with internalizing it. Especially with everyone around me telling me how awful W is. Frankly, right now, I agree with them. Still your other points about W seeing what she is missing and kids wanting to share their experiences speak to me more strongly. I will upload the pics, also so I can share pics with my sisters and my mom.

being alone for a while could be good for me also.

I dunno, Fogg. I see how being alone can be good, especially if one is exiting a co-dependent relationship. But I feel a different imperative. I am 44 years old. I certainly don't want to rush into a new relationship, but I am also not getting any younger or more attractive (well, maybe more attractive ) I don't want to be alone forever. perhaps it is cultural. It says in the bible (Genesis 2:18) "it is not good that man is alone." I miss companionship. My male friends, G-d bless them, just don't cut it.

RAI

[HeavyD]

This is all just so freakishly hard. Nothing about this process is easy, maybe time will lesson the ego blow. I pray that it will and everyone can move past it. But for me, it is one day at a time, seriously. That's all I can focus on. Just this one day. That is the very best I can do.

[RAI]

Heavy, I sooo hear you. You are echoing my Mom's great advice to take each day as it comes. She told me this when I was ~5 years old and I still think of it all the time.

We will get through it because we will get through it.

RAI

[raliced]

I know it prevents me from detaching and focusing on myself. I know all this intellectually. I am just struggling with internalizing it. Especially with everyone around me telling me how awful W is. Frankly, right now, I agree with them.

Well RAI - I feel compelled to point out you aren't helpless in this. Detachment is for your peace of mind. If your friends are telling you things that prevent you from detaching? Tell them they aren't helping you and that you want them to stop

But I feel a different imperative. I am 44 years old. I certainly don't want to rush into a new relationship, but I am also not getting any younger or more attractive (well, maybe more attractive ) I don't want to be alone forever. perhaps it is cultural. It says in the bible (Genesis 2:18) "it is not good that man is alone." I miss companionship. My male friends, G-d bless them, just don't cut it.

Oh, come on....you're a doctor for heaven's sake. You'll be fine.

[RAI]

Well RAI - I feel compelled to point out you aren't helpless in this. Detachment is for your peace of mind. If your friends are telling you things that prevent you from detaching? Tell them they aren't helping you and that you want them to stop

I have to a degree. That is also a work in progress. I have told my friends and family to tone down the hostility as it does not help. In their defense,they are not (and have never been) that inflammatory, but you only need one small spark to ignite me these days.

Oh, come on....you're a doctor for heaven's sake. You'll be fine.

I hope you're right. I am just looking forward to the day. I really want companionship. I miss it alot.

RAI

[lost18]

RAI, thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm glad you had a fun vacation. I say send her some pics but only the ones with you looking hot! lol

I do believe detaching is key, if you figure out how to do that let me know. I haven't quite figured that part out yet and living together makes it that much more difficult! ugh

[RAI]

Thanks Losty.

Today is the 20th anniversary of the day I met my W. Coincidentally, I told her it is over tonight. I'm sure it was over for her a long time ago, and I probably sounded foolish saying it, but I closed the door on her forever. I told her that even if she begged me (which she wouldn't, I'm sure) I would not have her back.

It started with an argument. I told her that I wanted to visit me sister with the kids for the Jewish new year. The kids want to see their aunt. W refused because she wants to be with kids. I explained that there are going to be many more holidays where we will not be with our children, thanks to her. I know I lost my cool and it is very counter to DB. Everything escalated from there. It was a very ugly conversation.

To tired to go on. Just going to go to sleep.

It's over. It's over.

RAI

[RAI]

Last night, I told my W that no matter how good a mother she thinks she is, a good mother does not destroy her family. I told her that I know she remained with OM even throughout the months of MC, wasting my time - that she never recommitted to the R. I told her that I pity OM if he ends up with her. Then I said they deserve each other. There were a lot of heated words, some truth darts interspersed. I just don't want to rehash them anymore. I am ashamed. Getting them off my chest made no difference to my sitch. If anything, I felt 10 times worse.

Well, it's the morning after. Now that I have had some time to parse things (and cry), here are my thoughts:
1) I felt terrible most of the morning because I lost my composure. I was angry at myself for the hurtful words used. Even if they are true. I was angry at myself because I allowed WW to dictate my behavior. I have a choice in how I behave and respond. I am RAI - I am supposed to rise above it.
2) I am frustrated that any anger I show is evidence she shores up to demonstrate how terrible I am.
3) I feel bad because the Kids were still awake upstairs and heard us arguing. I don't think they heard any details, but I would really feel terrible if they did.

I left the house immediately after to get together with a friend who helped me decompress as little. S13 felt the need to call me moments after I left to see if I was ok. Some lighthouse I am to him!

At first I really beat myself up for my lapse last night. The more I think about it, it was not that big a deal. I have feelings. I have restrained myself for a very long time. I am not perfect. RAI can't always rise above it. Anyone in my sitch will lose their composure at some point. Saying hurtful things now is like breaking a window in a building that is about to be demolished. Married couples, even in the best of circumstances, fight and say things they regret. So it is at least excusable (not ideal of course) if someone in my sitch does the same. I am human. I am not a robot. I know we will have to co-parent at some point. I don't see this fight as an impediment.

All in all, it was a terrible way for our M to end - 20 years, to the day, from the day we met. Poignant or just coincidence? Who knows.

RAI