I can take a joke, and when she is playful and joking/flirting I know it ... these little darts were not like that, and I took a couple ... gave it some thought just to make sure I was not over reacting ... just so happened she tossed another and I felt I better address it. We did discuss this last night, she compared it to when I would pat her butt .... I mean nothing by it but it really sets her off, I told her its similar I suppose but I never hit that level of anger, just did not want this stuff to build up.
This lead into a conversation about the 'then' and the 'now'. Judging by her moods this morning I might have said something that upset her. We were doing our hmwk ... been a few days and we should have probably not done it last night as she was in a rush, evident by what she wrote ... very basic ... reminded me of highschool when you would just hand in something just to say you did it. Anyways I had to explain a feeling of being anxious and relate it to a memory. I picked last year when I was having horrible headaches and my Dr insisted I leave work and check myself into the hospital ... later on that night I went through a CATScan fearing a possible tumor, (I had a nasty concussion 2-3 years ago) .... anyways as she read that she told me she was sorry she was not there, I told her it was ok as she had to pick up S (I always pick him up but had to call her that day for her to do it) .... she told me she should have been there ... I was not thinking really but I told her I did not expect her there as she was with OM at the time and I accepted I was on my own .... This was all true but sharing that was not really a good move on my part. We talked a bit ... put S down and went to bed. W woke up around 1-2 ... which woke me up, she ended up going back to sleep and I was spinning over a few things ... amazing how these things come out of no-where ... figured I would just list those things here to try to get them out, maybe make sense of where they are coming from for future growth:
-Wife says she is committed to the M, yet rings still off, FB status still separated, she did mention the trip coming up on FB but all posts she has made seem like its just her and S going. (This was MY vaca that I planned for S and I regardless of her prior to her saying she wanted to work on the M) -Did some work on the old Computer last weekend, discovered an email to BIL from W Subject "Marriage issues", seeking MC advice back in 2011 ... I had no idea -OM2 as I will call him, 'just a friend' ... but my radar is pinging .... I chalk it up to insecurity and did stop the stinkin-thinkin quickly last night on this topic, though the urge to grab her phone and snoop was strong I didn't. -Post session this weekend on Intimacy and Sex ... ugh, I have been good about not pursuing/pressuring this but I do still feel alone in this M, little to no connection with W .. patience. -Been a bad week sleep wise, for us both, which adds to the frustrations .... I do hope we can traverse through this without a blow up. -Taking the new meds twice a day is a constant reminder of the A and STD (though I could easily not take them as we are not 'there')... still working on this, stings a bit. -A book I ordered a few weeks showed up in the mail, W was grumpy as it was this morning and brought it in .... the title was about dealing with rebuilding after an A ... not so great timing there as I have been solid about not bringing the A nor OM up till last night.... though it was just a matter of fact type of thing, not all emotional/hurt.
This part is very very hard. I struggle with still trying to just be myself, struggle with all that has happened. Thankfully tonight is my first softball game of the season so I can get out... a welcomed break, I work tomorrow night ... then we have our Post Session Sat morning.
