Wife says "NO" and acting like I have no rights

[asitis]

OK, where to start? First, I understand the feelings that led you to this outburst, and that you really do feel like this right now. Don't get me wrong, I do understand them.

What I am seeing in you is that you aren't giving yourself some fairly firm rules to hold to while you learn detaching better. You are still very reactive and giving her a great deal more power over you and your emotions than is healthy in this situation (or really ever). So, detachment is critical for you. But that takes time, and you need to develop some rules that you will try to abide by in the meantime.

These rules are basically when I'm detached I wont ....

So, in a sense you act like you already are detached even though you haven't yet gotten there. And you come here to vent your frustration, hurt, and fear where you can get support rather than acting out these with your W & worsening the situation.

One of these rules is not to threaten anything. If it is time to move on, you will be able to present this not when you are angry as something you need for yourself. You'll be nervous when doing it, and emotions will bubble up, but you'll still be able to do it in basically a calm manner and you'll be able to discuss it w/ your W rather than argue. You'll be able to listen to her response and validate. These will help your sitch.

Threats made in anger or pain will make your sitch worse. First, the signal you are sending while you say "I am done with you" is "you really have a lot of power over me and I am really struggling being done with you." Second, she is likely to respond in kind. This can spiral things up, when you are really wanting to de-escalate the sitch. Now she may not cooperate in de-escalation, which it is imperative that you take on this role. You are the calmer of anxiety and pain, even while you are churning up inside. This is what you both want, and you are providing that to both of you.

The other problem w/ threats in anger is that you are unlikely to stick with them, which makes later promises to take a firm stand less credible in her eyes.

So, breathe. We almost all do this. We pick ourselves off, brush ourselves off, look at why we did what we did so we can learn from it, and get back to the fundamentals of DBing: detach & GAL most of all.