Going to just intersperse my thoughts in blue below.
Azzork: Lots of wisdom there. This is weird because the OM is basically unattainable while this may be true, an imaginary or unattainable OM can be just as damaging as a real one., so she gets to pine for him, but can't be with him. I don't know what to do, but I am giving it time. I decided to just live in and move through the pain for now. There really isnt anything that you can do about the OM once she knows that you know. All that you can really do is allow it to run its course. Instead, you should turn your focus inward.
I am completely devastated, betrayed, broken down. I feel like my mind is a tiny cage and I'm in there with a tiger. I just can't get away from it. The pain comes from so many angles, it ricochets all over the place. I'm reeling. It's tough. The pain of rejection and betrayal is real. But the less you think about it, the less power it has over you. Thats why GAL is SO DAMN IMPORTANT. You find something else to occupy your mind, and you stop thinking about the A and the pain for a little bit. First it's a second. Then it's 5. Then you can go a whole minute. And so on, until eventually it just comes up in passing. I think of my little girls, knowing that they will never have their family together again. I think of there hearts and how incredible they are, how they deserve so much more for their lives. I will be the best father in the world to them, but I know that they will be deeply affected by this. In my mind, whats important for my kids is to have two whole parents that love and care for them. Of course, I prefer it for these parents to be whole together. But I dont believe that the way my W and I were parenting before we separated was better for them than this. They still have all of the same people loving them, and now in possibly better, more healthy ways. I wish I could tell them the truth so they understood that I don't want it to be like this. That I didn't break up the family. They will know. Someday. Theres no sense in rushing to show you were the "better" parent or that you were the "fighter" for the cause of the marriage. Someday, when they're older, they'll ask. Tell them then.
Thanks for explaining things. I guess I've just been emotionally and verbally abused by her for so long that I just can't see straight. She checked out 6 years ago. She is not coming back or changing her mind. She has a uniquely broken past, and a will like you have never seen. She is convinced that she will never be in love with me again, and that there is no hope for us. She is letting me down easy, but I have no hope of change. This stuff runs really deep. But who knows, maybe she will change. I can't count on anything now. I need to let it die, I need to let my life go, my past, and stand in the now and embrace that this is where I have to be. Soon things will get much worse. I believe that there is always hope until YOU decide that you dont want this anymore. When you got married, Im sure you never thought you would be here. So now that youre in this mess, it's easy to think that you can never be a happily married couple again. As you can see in MrBond's story, they were separated North of THREE YEARS and are now back together. Im sure his W had many of the same characteristics as yours. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how much this relationship is worth to you and how long you are willing to stand up for it.
I am trying to decide what is best in this situation. I feel like going completely dark. I cannot be what sandi calls her 'gay boyfriend', shoulder to cry on, handyman, plummer, etc. I don't want to see her or talk to her again. I have to about the kids, but man, I have never been more angry or wounded in my life. I am a good man, like a really good man. So many people in my life have said that I am one of the best men they have ever known. I am not this weak thing. What have I become? It's incredibly hard. Thats why you shouldnt DO anything right now towards your W. You shouldnt DECIDE anything long term about your M right now. Work on GAL and detachment so that the pain can subside. Once youre in a clearer state,you can start thinking on the future more.
