Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Azzork: Lots of wisdom there. This is weird because the OM is basically unattainable, so she gets to pine for him, but can't be with him. I don't know what to do, but I am giving it time. I decided to just live in and move through the pain for now.

I am completely devastated, betrayed, broken down. I feel like my mind is a tiny cage and I'm in there with a tiger. I just can't get away from it. The pain comes from so many angles, it ricochets all over the place. I'm reeling. I think of my little girls, knowing that they will never have their family together again. I think of there hearts and how incredible they are, how they deserve so much more for their lives. I will be the best father in the world to them, but I know that they will be deeply affected by this. I wish I could tell them the truth so they understood that I don't want it to be like this. That I didn't break up the family.

EMMess
Thank you so much for the kind words and for reaching out. That actually really helped me.

MrBond
Thanks for explaining things. I guess I've just been emotionally and verbally abused by her for so long that I just can't see straight. She checked out 6 years ago. She is not coming back or changing her mind. She has a uniquely broken past, and a will like you have never seen. She is convinced that she will never be in love with me again, and that there is no hope for us. She is letting me down easy, but I have no hope of change. This stuff runs really deep. But who knows, maybe she will change. I can't count on anything now. I need to let it die, I need to let my life go, my past, and stand in the now and embrace that this is where I have to be. Soon things will get much worse.

I am trying to decide what is best in this situation. I feel like going completely dark. I cannot be what sandi calls her 'gay boyfriend', shoulder to cry on, handyman, plummer, etc. I don't want to see her or talk to her again. I have to about the kids, but man, I have never been more angry or wounded in my life. I am a good man, like a really good man. So many people in my life have said that I am one of the best men they have ever known. I am not this weak thing. What have I become?