10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us?

[Dawn70]

HP...glad you are back and that you are moving forward with your goals. Keep on keeping on, my friend. Prayers for you and your son.

[Train]

Any updates, HP?

[HPoirot]

Hello Train and everyone. I'm back to update with the latest sitch challenge...

After the "are you willing to talk about us" email exchange with my XW, I let myself fall into a low energy funk for a couple weeks...

What happened was, I didn't reply to her last email asking again to talk.

After a few days, I sent her an separate email saying, to help things go smoother going forward, I needed a legal agreement on who would pay what for S12's upcoming 6th grade school year and that XW agreed S12 would start 7th grade with me in Florida.

She suggested making S12s move to Florida with me a legal agreement back in April. I see I should have finalized that agreement back then. Not doing so was a mistake.

She replied she would get a notarized tuition schedule document that we could both sign together in person. She said she was uncomfortable signing a paper saying S12 would move with me to Florida.

A couple days later, she was back to sending me an email saying she was getting a D and wanted it done before I left for Florida. XW also sent emails upset again about me not responding to her emails. I did not respond to any of that.

She sent someone here to the condo serve me with D papers. I had the doorman turn him away.

So I did backslide on my PMA then. I stopped checking in here. I stopped working out. I ate badly and started in with the beer again. I felt down. Letting myself get sucked into her drama again was a drain, though not nearly as bad as it was before.

Last week I finally got up and started eating right. Making my protein shakes. Lost the 10 pounds I put on. Today I did my morning workout. Felt great. Got stuff done. Decided I would move to Florida in early November instead of late December to start building a new life for me and S12. Started thinking about the email to XW explaining my plan and school options I wanted her to consider for S12.

It was a good day.

Then, tonight, I see an email from XW titled...

"I can't believe you would leave this city and leave S12."

She now suggests I get another job here instead of keeping my job and moving to Florida. Urges me to reconsider moving to Florida even though she says she knows it would be hard for me to stay here considering our problems. Says, the more she thinks about it, the more she doesn't think S12 living with me in Florida is a good idea. Says that before she only "implied" S12 could move to Florida. Says it would not be an option to have him start school with me until the 8th grade and only if she and I are in a different place in our relationship. Again and as usual she wants to talk.

So I'm glad I got back on my feet these past few days. I need to be strong now and I am.

I was just telling my dad on the phone the other night that I was afraid that this might happen. Now I have to deal with it.

I have talked with S12 over the past few weeks about moving to Florida after this next school year. Just today he was saying, when we get there, he would like to learn to kiteboard and get a jet ski. That part I did well.

I realize I did not do well communicating with XW. Everyday I'm thinking of the email to send her detailing the nice neighborhoods and schools I am considering. I waited too long to do that and now I'm facing a possible court battle.

In her email she says she can't believe I'm leaving S12... using language like she has from the beginning to browbeat me into doing what she wants.

But, in her email from April, she basically laid out the plan how the move would work and why I'm leaving first and S12 later... instead of me and S12 leaving together this summer and him starting school in Florida this year, I agreed that it would be good for S12 to stay here from one last school year. I would leave at the end of this year and get settled in Florida. Then S12 would come at the end of his school year, spend next summer getting settled himself, and then start school.

So I have to reply. I don't want to go to court. I won't pay for tuition here and for a lawyer at the same time. I will homeschool him if I have to. And, whatever happens, I am moving.

So I'm thinking I try to keep it simple like I've been doing...

XW, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am taking my company's offer to move to Florida this year.

As you know, I agreed to not move last June with S12 like I asked you to so S12 could do 6th grade here. I agreed with you that another year here would be a positive transition to 7th grade in Florida.

Your (attached?) email from April lays out a good plan where I go to get settled in Florida so S12 has the best move and experience possible. If I could stay here until the end of 6th grade and still take advantage of my company's offer to pay for S12 and me to move then I certainly would.

I have also talked with Solomon over the past few weeks about living in Florida after 6th grade. We have sat together and looked at possible neighborhoods, parks where we could go mountain biking and camping, homes for sale with yards and pools and tennis courts and kids that go to school with his cousins. Today he told me he was excited to learn to kite surf and jet ski when we get there. Talk with him about it. I will do everything to make sure his life there is fun, outdoorsy, and special.

As for a home, I am considering 3 specific A+ family oriented neighborhoods like (best neighborhood in this area) in Broward county west of Fort Lauderdale. I will send you a list of the schools I have found there for you to consider including some A+ rated public schools. As you know, I need to arrange for S12 to visit the schools in the fall.

I will keep you up to date on anything else I find. Communicating with you about the move or anything else over email works best for me.

My goal is for S12 to have the best teenage years he can. I am asking for your help to do that. Thanks.

I admit, I'm afraid I will not be able to make a life in Florida with my son happen. I have found that negotiating and pointing out truths to XW is not a working strategy. She will say whatever and ignore whatever to get what she wants.

Pointing out what she wrote in April means nothing. Saying nicely that I am just moving on with my life with S12 and I do not want my family broken means nothing.

If I say I'm not paying tuition here or staying in this city, then again I am the evil selfish one who is ruining S12s life. Even though I have been a great dad and have loved my son through all this. I have kept him here more nights and I have paid more money while she threatens me with custody papers and cries every month about how she's afraid I won't pay tuition. (I told her I needed her to stop those tuition emails and she said she would.)

I did talk to a lawyer a couple months ago who told me "you want to move with your son? Just move now and take the issue to court to get your son down."

My dad and brothers say to move and force the issue. XW can't pay this tuition without me. I can homeschool S12.

I told XW that I needed an agreement about Florida before we moved ahead with 6th grade here. Next payment is next month on the 15th.

Part of me just wants to say... "XW, if that is your decision then I do not agree to S12 going to 6th grade here." I know if I don't want to go to court, I shouldn't mention court.

What do you think?

[Sotto]

Hi HP, good to hear from you again, and sorry you've been having a rough time. Can I ask you a little more about the Florida move and the impact on your S and his time with you both? What are the custody arrangements now? Who spends what time with S, and how would this change with the move? Also, what's the travelling distance if you move?

My HXW suddenly decided to move 2 hours away from him, which had a big impact on time he spent with S. He was upset about this as he previously spent some week nights with him and this had to stop. So, depending on your answers to the above and the impact on your W's time with S - I can understand how concerned she may be.

I can understand you wanting a fresh start, but I think you'll need to get to a point where you have a clearly defined plan from your negotiations - not a 'gentleman's agreement' and this may or may not be possible, given concerns your W is raising.

Good for you with the healthier lifestyle - you may have had a dip, but it didn't take long for you to pick yourself up again - that's the main thing.

Take care HP x

[HPoirot]

Hello Sotto. To answer your questions, we informally split custody. Although she suggests an even split schedule at the beginning of every month, S12 spends more nights with me b/c XW either can't keep the schedule due to her work and asks me to keep him, or S12 asks to stay with me instead. He has never asked to stay with her more time than schedule.

We live in the NE USA now, so the move would be a plane trip away. She suggested in detail in April how we could split the time with summers and time off from school. But I would be getting him to school and spending the most time with him. That is fantatic as I work from home and have a very flexible schedule. She relies on this b/c I'm always around to keep S12 when she couldn't this summer.

As to her concerns, since January she knew I wanted to go to Florida. It was in April that my company offered to pay for me to move there and I let her know. She replied detailing the way the move would work in a year instead of the immediate move I proposed. I agreed it was a good plan and agreed not to move immediately so S12 could go to 6th grade here and start 7th grade in Florida. I did not, though, push to have that agreement legal and now she says she is baffled and says I'm leaving S12?

So there was a defined plan, I proposed something and she countered and I said hers was a good plan. I did not get it legal and now here we are.

It seems I have to remind her of things she said. Now she's saying she only implied S12 could go. This is one of the reasons I only speak to her in emails... so I can have a record. I don't know that matters now though.

I would post her letter from last night if it helps explain.

In any case, I have one goal... to get to Florida with my S12 to start a new life. I have been patient with my XW. Even she said so in and email from a couple weeks ago.

But it keeps going back and forth. Now she's says in her email... "HP I hope this makes sense to you and I pray with my soul that you will consider not moving to Florida, that you will stay and be a regular part of S12's life."

She's writing like I'm abandoning my son! I feel like I must remind her that I proposed to leave immediately with him but instead agreed to what she asked for... stay here this year, then move to get settled in Florida before she brought S12 down.

Like I've been told many times here, as reality creeps in XW will lash out and get controlling. She has made promises to me and S12 in moments of crisis only to lash out and break them when reality set in.

The reality is, she will have a hard time with S12 on her own. She works in an office job she said she hates and travels. She has said she is seeing more of OM. S12 says she wants to move from her apartment b/c it's junky (he said he has to take baths sometimes b/c there is no water pressure for showers). She has not helped S12 at all with his Summer school work.

I, on the other hand, would love to take care of S12 on my own. I work from home, live in a beautiful condo and would have a wonderful home in Florida. I would pick him up from school on time everyday and would be able help him with his homework. I would continue to teach him programming and Spanish and make sure he does his music lessons everyday. I have family close in Florida where S12 could stay when needed.

I want to respond today. I'm thinking I send her an email now like... "I got your message and will get back to you." Then later in a more brief way than my last letter attempt state I am moving, remind her of her plan, propose that she send me her specific concerns so I can address them, and let her know that S12 knows the plan.

I am keeping PMA today. Whatever happens.

[HPoirot]

This is her email announcing she doesn't want me of S12 to go to Florida...

HP,

I have been wanting to write you for weeks now about your decision to relocate to Miami. I understand you will not be able to keep your job unless you move but I am baffled that you would ever consider taking a job that will take you away from S12. I realized that you want to do what's best for your career and clearly be able to provide for him, but I also know that given your skill set you can get a job anywhere in the world really. I know that our problems make it difficult for you to want to stay here. But I implore you to please reconsider your decision to move. I am NOT comfortable In any way shape or form with the thought of S12 living in Florida with you and me not being able to see him. I am sure that the thought of living in Florida and not seeing him everyday is deplorable to you as well... however you still are choosing to move to Florida and leave him here. I know that I have implied that at some point in the future I would consider allowing him to move to Florida. however the more and more I think about it I think that he needs to have both of his parents co-parenting together to raise him. I implore you to reconsider moving to Florida. Perhaps it is something you can do as he gets closer to Upper School. he has a great financial aid package that will take him to the next three years of his education which will be a huge financial savings for us. I think a move at this time for you given the debt that we have would be very unreasonable considering that in Florida he is highly unlikely to get financial aid and it would mean more tuition for us to pay. I know it's your life and I know it's your choice but I would beg you to really reconsider your decision to leave here. I am NOT seeing how a move for S12 even as early as 8 grade is likely given the nature of a our relationship, and our overall financial debt. the thought of not seeing my son or being able to drive to him is absolutely unacceptable to me and therefore I want to make it clear that the thought of him moving to Florida in middle school is not an option.. Therefore the earliest I would even remotely consider it would be for upper school and only if you and I are in a different place in our relationship and can communicate openly and freely and in loving way with S12.

HP I hope this makes sense to you and I pray with my soul that you will consider not moving to Florida, that you will stay and be a regular part of S12 life.

We should talk. Your move has many implications.

[Sotto]

Hi HP, I can see your frustration - particularly if she seemed amenable to a move at one point. But I imagine there would be very few mothers who would voluntarily enter an arrangement which means they would be so far from their child and not see them for weeks on end.

What would the legal position be on custody and moving out of state? In my H and his XW's D, either of them must get written permission to take SS out of the country, but we are in the UK.

If that's the case in your position inter-state then I worry that you are pursuing a dream that your W may not ever agree to. It sounds as though her position right now is - if you go - he stays with me - and you can see him at intervals whenever a visit can be planned.

[Cadet]

Where will your son end up - legally speaking?
Are their any statements in the divorce agreement about this?

[Painter]

HP, I would get a second opinion from another L. It sounds iffy to me to just move and try to get S later. Part of the reason is that if you leave w/o him, the new status quo will be that he is living with his mother and courts prefer to keep status quo.

What you would have to prove in court, is that it's to S's benefit that he moves with you. It is difficult to defend taking a child away from one parent. You have to prove that it will better his life, and that you have powerful reasons to move, reasons that are more important than seeing his mother frequently. You should also have a plan ready for visits with his mother at your cost.

There are specific criteria a court looks at to deem what is in your son's best interest. You may have a chance if you are the main caretaker and breadwinner, he has stayed more than 50% of the time with you consistently for at least 6 months, and you will loose your job if you don't move. But this is state-specific, so talk to a L who works a lot with custody and moves.

[HPoirot]

Hello Sotto. I would need, and of course I want, XW's permission to move with S12. She wasn't just amenable... she proposed the plan in April when I asked her about moving to Florida with S12 this summer.

Hello Cadet. What I'm proposing to her is an agreement. We don't have a divorce agreement yet. I told her a couple weeks ago I needed us to legally agree on tuition payments and S12's move to Florida before we move forward. Now we're here.

Hello Painter. I believe the lawyer was saying to take the issue to court now. To not wait and move later so no minds would change. Anyway yes, it seems now I need to get a good lawyer.