Why do you think that there may be some MLC still going on? Is it because he's going out and having fun or something else?
You have to decide what you want to change/improve on about yourself and then start working on those goals. Make a list. If you should see things that need a professional to help you w/them, then I would begin searching for someone to assist you in those areas.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
P.S. I realize that you are not new however thought I would give you this anyways.
Job Please understand that this is not easy for me, I am walking a fine line because I don't want to be critical or bad mouth my H. Generally he is hanging out with 18-29 year olds, he is not happy (per his words) with anything his job, his body, our relationship. he has been looking for a new job for over a year and has not been successful. In June he was testing for a job in Texas, was planning on our family moving there. All of the jobs seem to be out of state. He has told me that he is hopeful that changing something will make him happy. He joined a gym (did that last time he left too) He signed up to run a marathon, last year and again this year. He didn't get in shape to run the marathon last year, so he didn't go. and I don't think that he can run a 5k yet for this years marathon in Nov. There is so much more than I could say, but I do not want to criticize him. I just don't feel good doing that.
Again, Thank you for explaining just a bit as to why you think MLC is hanging around in your situation. Stating the facts as you see them w/your h, i.e., some of his behaviors is not criticizing him, but it did help me to understand why you thought the MLC elephant was still in the room. He's definitely searching for that illusive happiness land. I'm sorry to see he's searching once again.
I'm glad Cadet came back around and provided you w/the links. AmyC is a wonderful lady who provided much support to the posters during her time here.
How are you doing today? What are your plans for today?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I keep very busy, Not many choices we have 3 boys in middle school. I have been staying detached and moving along. Its been more than a month and my H hasn't established a time that we are going to tell the kids yet. As I am no rush to hurt them and this is his decision, I am not going to schedule the time for him. In the meantime he is putting all his efforts into making a new life, and I see nothing different. I talked to my FIL last night, we are friends and talk often, scheduling things (parenting time) came up because he offered to help with my driving needs. I just discovered that FIL and H are supporting each other in an endeavor to fix FIL's mistakes in his D from MIL. I made a comment about a soccer game and that if H can be there I would not try to keep him away just as I would not expect my H to try to keep me away from the extracurricular activities. FIL told me that I was not seeing clearly and was trying to ruin h's parenting time because I am desperate to spend more time with H. I will accept that he thinks that I am desperate. He doesn't see everything, but I will take it as a GAL nudge. I don't think that 2 parents being at a soccer game, or a band concert or any other event is ruining things for one of the parents. It is doing right by the kids. My FIL never saw his kids after the D and did not reconnect with my H until after we were married. My H really thinks that D will be fine so long as the part that hurt him is fixed, the part where he never saw his dad. He is too blind by that to see that there were, or could have been, other issues. He never had to think about which parent to do things with or give things to because he only had one around. I imagine that at some point he stopped thinking about what his dad was doing on Christmas, maybe not. But when we started dating, it was I who got him involved in being with family at all on Christmas. He was spending them alone. Now I am faced with kids that will be picking a house for Christmas. Sorry, but that is not a good thing, and if they are with me, and my H wants to come, so be it, its for the kids not me. I can tell you from my last go round, that H coming to events, parties, whatever, is not spending time with him. We don't need to talk to each other, just be there for the kids. On a side note my H went searching to buy his "red convertible" - a red convertible would have been more practical -- I think that I am the only one that didn't tell him that he was making a stupid choice.
