LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

hey V, responding here now from old thread.

I can see how you avoided your 9 year old issue for so long. Largely you medicated it.

That I did. After I returned to Uni I effectively medicated, distracting myself through study.

Frankly I think Py you are lucky to only be in the IC chair. Years of self abuse can leave enormous Mental damage, hallucinations and paranoia. You are lucky, young man, (wags head sagely) to be a young father in recovery.

I am definitely lucky. Especially mucking around with huge doses of hallucinogens. In the extreme case I know a Japanese guy who last I heard could'nt tie his shoelaces anymore - after a single episode. My STX BIL is now psychotic after a brief stint, etc, etc. But in terms of the drug ab"use" I think I am way past recovery. Dealing with he underlying issues that were medicated - well - that is the theme of 2015.

Did the tumour operation cause the dancing eye to stop dancing? Has the scar faded?

The nastagmas only occurs at the extremes of looking left or right. But no, it is still there.

Can I ask did your parents ever help you or did you have counselling for this?

My parents - yes, they "helped". But counselling no. I masked it well and appeared at least to be over it I guess.

Bullying is sadly too common in schools, that is the responsibility of adults, a nominated school adult to check in. I hope it's mandatory now in schools as it is in the UK.

Yeah - I worry for my kids. Many initiatives going on to stop bullying not only in schools, but also the workplace.

This nine year point is vital, at the time you most needed acceptance, other kids saw you as a funny bunny. And you got seriously mothered by the older girls. It's a dynamic designed to create a kick away rebellion.

This is something I wasn't explicitly aware of until now, the age being a significant period in exactly the regard that clobbered me the most. Its funny, i have NEVER considered the older girls "mothering" as anything short of wonderful, but I suspect you are exactly right about the rebellion.
So now let's ask those questions of you about the 9 year old stage, what was the most harmful the operation, hospital treatment or the funny bunny stuff at school?

This is easy - the physical pain was easy in comparison.

Did you advise your mum who sounds amazing by the way, or anyone at school?

My mum yes. She was supportive etc. I guess the thing was that I put on a brave face so that she wouldn't worry.

In which ways psychologically did this need addressing?

And finally what have you done to address it?

I am still thinking about these things. In a sense it is clear that I needed acceptance. It was not possible for me to be satisfied or to feel that I was accepted by those that matter. I wasn't accepted by the majority of kids, and this wasn't something I could change. I suppose I knew this and just wanted time to pass and reinvent myself. I see now as I internalised and believed that I wasn't accepted, I developed unhealthy core-beliefs about myself and they subsequently became what I strived to disprove. The fact that I strove to a PhD in the hardest thing I could find (that still interested me) was I think in no small part due to this. In fact, I have always put myself last and what I WANT because in a sense IDK what I want. Maybe it is because for many years as a kid I wanted acceptance and I couldn't get it.

I am researching the physiological stuff so was going to ask was the tumour invasive and packed? you said 10% with surgery and the rest radio. So why only 10% or why 10% at all? It clearly left a scar that was visible, was that explorative and what did that scar mean to you then? what does it mean now?

IDK these terms sorry - i know the tumour was benign, but growing. They operated for 10% because they didn't know until then how much they could actually cut out. The neurologist I saw admitted that if it had've been 10 years earlier - i would be dead. If it had've been 10 years later - they would not have proceeded the way they did, and I possibly wouldn't have the issues with ataxia that I do now.

The scar was a huge deal when I was younger. So much so that my Mother went to see a plastic surgeon to ask what he could do. Basically he did manage disguise it to a large degree. Even still, I was self conscious about it. Now I don't really care. It isn't obvious at all. The scar, the ataxia, neural damage to my face - on occasions when I have discussed this with colleagues (recently because of my op) - they have never even noticed. I find this hard to swallow, but it is possible I guess.