Throwing in the Towel

[2Times2Many]

Haven't posted in quite some time. I've been working on me ... GAL, detach, etc ... and was in a really good place.

Briefly, H has an apt in another country where he has spent most of his time the past two years. He claims it's necessary for our business (it's not). He comes home every couple of months for about 2 weeks to attend to the business we have here (which I manage in his absence because someone has to). He told me repeatedly last year that he had no feelings for me, there was no spark, that he didn't want to be a husband and that he didn't want to live here. He also had an A with a woman there, but I think that ended about a year ago. There may have been others since, but I have no clue. I don't think so, but I could be wrong.

As I said, I was doing great and in a really good place. Rebuilding my self-esteem, doing things I had always wanted to do, dealing with the little stuff he usually handled. I was here doing my thing and he was doing his and we were actually getting along ok when he was here.

Then, at the end of last year he came back and said he wanted to spend more time here, wanted to move back into our bed, wanted to move his things back in his closet, was thinking about giving up his apt over there .... all the things we want to hear.

All of that was totally out of the blue and I was shocked. I was also a little skeptical because I felt like he wanted to just pick up where we left off as if nothing had happened. I asked him if we could take it slow, try to figure out where things went haywire, etc. and he was agreeable. His next visit went well. Good discussions.

The next time he came back, things were still going well until he booked a trip for his assistant over there to come back here with him on his next trip home without telling me until it was already done. I didn't want her to stay here in our house (there's no funny business between them - that I'm certain of) because I feel like some of her actions enabled his A and were horribly disrespectful to me. I feel like he moved out of our house and it has become my home - my safe place - and I didn't want her in it.

He got angry and spent his last weekend here looking at apartments without renting one.

He came back a couple of weeks ago and 3 days before he sent me an email saying he was concerned about the issues with his assistant, but wanted to try to work things out about her and still wanted to try to rebuild something between us.

Two days after he got here, he told me he renewed his lease on his apartment over there, would be spending less time here, and didn't ever plan on moving back here. He said he like his life over there and his social life with his "guy friends" and there was nothing for him here. He said, "I enjoy spending time with you, but I don't want to live here." It was like D-Day, part 2. I was devastated ... again.

BUT ... he doesn't want a divorce!???? And he put me back on his bank account!???? For financial reasons, I don't want a divorce either. At least, not until I get my ducks in row. Owning a business together makes it difficult.

After he laid out "how things are going to be" I excused myself and went to my bedroom. I was sitting on the side of the bed thinking about all he had said and his "puffed up" "I'm going to do for me" attitude and the weirdest thought crossed my mind ... there is a gun in the drawer of the bedside table ....

Now, I would never do anything to harm myself - I have too much to live for - but the fact that that thought crossed my mind scared the h3ll out of me. When I went to bed that night, I got up and started packing a suitcase to leave the house. Then I came to my senses and thought how dumb it was to be driven out of my own home.

Anyway, after his bomb, a sleepless night, racing pulse, pounding heart and spike in blood pressure, I decided that this R just is not healthy for me - emotionally, mentally and physically. I realized that I have to get him out of my life. I told him he could stay here for the remainder of his trip, but I didn't want him to come back here. To stay with someone else, a hotel or find his own place.

A couple of days later he said he couldn't afford to have a place over there and over here (trying to guilt me, I suppose). I just told him to plan on staying in a hotel when he comes back - that I needed to gain control of my life, find my center again and I needed him to stay away from me so I could move on with my life. I told him I didn't want to hear from him unless it was related to business. I guess I kicked him out - gently. There were tears (both of us) and it was really tough when he left yesterday - there were tears in his eyes, but I held up.

I feel awful. I do care about him and don't want to hurt him, and I feel like our futures are better together than separately, but I just can't do this anymore. I feel like as soon as I showed some independence and self-reliance, he just had to take back control and beat me back down. And the thoughts that went through my mind are disturbing. (Yes, I've talked about this with my therapist.)

I really don't know why I'm posting this.