My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

I've discovered that NC is difficult here. It's hard on me and we still need to communicate about the kids. (Mainly D12, rest is between her and my boys.) She told me today that S16 won't respond to her and that it is my fault. I told her I stopped getting involved in their relationship some time ago and any issues they have are between them.

We are speaking a bit again. So far nothing serious. Not sure how rock firm I can be on this. Situation is painful when I am involved, painful when I am not involved. Simply working on a lot of space at the moment and gearing myself up to telling her she can't move back home yet. (Assuming she's going to try once she loses the apartment they share.)

You read it correctly, AJ. And yes, she absolutely knows how to keep me hooked. The signals have been very mixed. All over the board. Goes from get out of my life to I want to come home often.

On your identity part, I agree with you, I think that is part of the problem for many LBSs, myself included. A large part of me was her, I'm still working on finding me without her. I think the healthier option is to already know who you are before your marriage goes down the tubes, not to be so co-dependent. I wasn't there and while I can't say I didn't see this coming, she was unhappy before she left. I thought we were much closer to working it out than we were obviously.

You offer wise advise, as always. I will be doing my best to go slow.

So when she was 22, she was diagnosed with major depression. She was told she would need to take anti-depressants for the rest of her life. She stuck with those for a while, a couple of years. She had an on again off again relationship with them. When she was taking them, I could always see a major difference. Well, she has been off of them for the past five years or so. Been drinking more. She's at the point now where she's drunk 3-5 nights per week. This is the most depressed I have ever seen her. She did talk to me about seeing a therapist, which I think is an excellent idea.

Point being, the depression makes me spin even more. I ask myself sometimes, is this W talking or the depression? I worry that one day she starts to wake up and realizes everything that she has done. Everything she has lost. I am worried that she won't survive that day. She's tried to hurt herself before and it does concern me. I feel like during this awakening process, she'll need to make amends with me. (Perhaps I am being conceited here) I feel like if that ship has sailed, she may check out for good. While I can get behind it is her life and they are her choices, she should have to face the consequences, it is harder for me to take that approach when the consequences could literally be life or death.

Please, club away. I'm sure I have earned it.