have I been making mistakes too long part3

[tkdmme]

the list is great idea. I think I will do that tonight. And you are right about being too old. Every time I have mentioned that to people they say that im crazy and that if they could do what I do they would never stop.

As far as the list I need to be specific. There are lots of things I want to change. At the top of the list is being a constant worrier. I have worried my whole life and if I didn't have anything to worry about, I would create something. I am getting better with that one.

Also, I tend to care too much about what other people think of me. I let their actions dictate mine. I have spent much of my life trying to keep everyone around me happy at the expense of my mental health.

I have always internalized everything. I grew up with a father who would not allow me to show any emotion. Ive learned to bottle up everything until it explodes. When I say explode I mean I go into withdrawing form every one.

I cant do this anymore. I have lived so long with this anxiety and I am not willing to continue.

I will get my list together tonight.

[CaliGuy]

tkd

Ok .. so you hit on a good one ... internalized emotions.

A few months ago I was in a session with a group of people and this was brought up. Ironically was after a session my W and I had where she told me she was shocked I even had feelings and emotions. As boys .... what were we taught? Don't cry because it shows weakness, do not act out..throw a fit.. tantrum.. all those things show weakness. We were taught these things not only from our fathers, but from other males throughout our life. So as you said, we swallow these things and it builds and builds like a volcano.
For me, part of it was this^^^ another issue was conflict avoidance, being Mr Fix it ... not just around the house but with the relationship ... W was not happy about the back being dirty I would immediately crank up the pressure washer and bust my a$$ cleaning it thinking .. ok that should make her happy then she will love me ... never happened ... over time I just became Mr Do All and received Nadda. This lead to resentment and passive aggressive behavior.

See what I did there? I listed out who I was, how I got there, and what resulted from it. To change you really need to get to the root of the issue. "Being a better person" ... for me meant figuring out who I was and why ... then I could figure out what to change. Like you I allowed others to control what I did ... so I went about my life for a few months selfishly. Talk about a 180!!
First step for me in this area was ... I took a weekend to myself, signed up for a motorcycle class. Met early, we did the written and riding portions that weekend. I went to DMV and got my Motorcycle licensee ... something I always wanted to do but allowed people to tell me no. This was for ME. Was seriously out of character ... doing something solely for yourself when you have made everyone else a priority is a very uncomfortable thing.
Later on ... I bought a Harley ... my Birthday present to myself. I will never forget it, once I signed the papers all the sales people and employees cranked up a Harley, rev'd em, honked horns, customers all clapped and applauded as I was welcomed into the family ... I had tears ... was up there for me because I finally broke free and was my own man ... first time in my life at 42 years old.

I am not saying go out and buy a bike, .... but I am saying you need to make some goals and list how you will get there. Remember .. these are about YOU ... things in your control. I had about 4 key areas I worked on .. little by little ... took a solid year but I really made some serious changes and improvements and continue to do so. The big picture of this is .. .your W needs to respect you but its impossible when you have lost that respect for yourself, that self esteem, mojo, all that you have slowly lost over the years ...doing what you just admitted "I let their actions dictate mine. I have spent much of my life trying to keep everyone around me happy at the expense of my mental health."

Get that Goal list going .. post it here so we can help you stay at it.

[tkdmme]

That's awesome. I too have always wanted a bike. It's my dream to own a 1952 vincent black lightening. I grew up in the garage. My dad and grand dad we're both mechanics. I had a 64 ford galaxie 500 that I pulled out of the woods in NC. I had the car for 3 years I brought it back from the dead and had it running like a top. I loved that car it was beautiful baby blue. When the BD happened I panicked. She always said that I spent too much time working on it. So I sold it. I wish I hadn't.

[tkdmme]

As you can geuss, selling my prized possession had no effect on her. As I said, I'm a musician and I have a ton of guitars, banjos, dobros, pianos, and anything musical you could think of. I'm not selling anything else.

[PigPen]

First step for me in this area was ... I took a weekend to myself, signed up for a motorcycle class. Met early, we did the written and riding portions that weekend. I went to DMV and got my Motorcycle licensee ... something I always wanted to do but allowed people to tell me no. This was for ME. Was seriously out of character ... doing something solely for yourself when you have made everyone else a priority is a very uncomfortable thing.
Later on ... I bought a Harley ... my Birthday present to myself. I will never forget it, once I signed the papers all the sales people and employees cranked up a Harley, rev'd em, honked horns, customers all clapped and applauded as I was welcomed into the family ... I had tears ... was up there for me because I finally broke free and was my own man ... first time in my life at 42 years old.

I am not saying go out and buy a bike, .... but I am saying you need to make some goals and list how you will get there. Remember .. these are about YOU ... things in your control. I had about 4 key areas I worked on .. little by little ... took a solid year but I really made some serious changes and improvements and continue to do so. The big picture of this is .. .your W needs to respect you but its impossible when you have lost that respect for yourself, that self esteem, mojo, all that you have slowly lost over the years ...doing what you just admitted "I let their actions dictate mine. I have spent much of my life trying to keep everyone around me happy at the expense of my mental health."

Get that Goal list going .. post it here so we can help you stay at it.

So many great points in there Cali. I'm just starting to see why this process of change is so long and how deep we have to go to make things stick. You're right, a year is just the beginning. We're not changing habits and behavioral patterns, but changing ourselves to the core.

That takes a lot of deep introspection, and then a some serious practice.

Thanks for writing all of that.

PP

[PigPen]

As you can geuss, selling my prized possession had no effect on her. As I said, I'm a musician and I have a ton of guitars, banjos, dobros, pianos, and anything musical you could think of. I'm not selling anything else.

Take all those guitars out, clean them off, polish them up and make sure you can see them tkdmme! Take pride in them.

Cali said he starts each day by making his bed. I've been making sure my truck is impeccably clean too. It's the little stuff that helps us feel good about ourselves, and sometimes it's just the bit of an edge that we need to make it through a hard day.

Sounds like you're doing well.

Any more thoughts on laying off the booze? I went completely sober after BD and it was the best thing I've ever done. Easy? Not at all, but it's been an extra piece of self esteem that I add to myself every day.

PP

[tkdmme]

I'm not there yet. I had 3 beers on the golf coarse yesterday. I'm not overdoing. This is pretty good for me lately. I have always been a couple of beers after work kind of guy but when BD happened it went into overdrive. It's slowing down now and kind of back to what it was before BD. I do agree with you though. S3nce I've slowed down the drinking I've been able to stay away from anything that could start a fight with the W. I'm finding that I have more control over my tounge than I thought.

[Huddy]

So, why not try no beers and really see clearly?

[tkdmme]

I agree, Its just not easy at the moment. I have slacked off of the drinking but I still use it to numb myself. I know in my posts lately that I sound like im doing well. I am doing better but the hurt is still there. It creeps up on me from time to time during the day. Im just trying to deal with it differently now. Instead of letting it drag me down, I make an effort to change my mindset. This does not always work.

Things at home have not changed. At least concerning my M. The W just goes about business as usual and I just try to stay away from her. At this point I cant be around her to much or I may try to start a R talk. I just want this to be over. Her decision has caused a great deal of hurt for everyone around us, including her family. Everyone keeps telling me to pray that God will change her heart. I say the same prayer every morning.

I feel like im loosing my mind sometimes. This detaching and GAL is so much different than the way I have lived for the past 10 years. I feel like im forcing myself to do these things out of desperation.

Anyway, Im not feeling to great today. My hope for my M is slowly fading and the more I detach the faster the hope leaves.

[tkdmme]

Im really feeling the need to call her today. She was acting weird last night and I want to know why. Im sure im trying to mind read. Either that or something has happened that she doesn't want me to know. Why am i a still focused on her so much? I try not to let her actions make me feel bad but they do and I don't know how to change that.

She hasn't said more than a few words to me all week. When she does talk its all about money or the kids. She heard that I am going back to playing piano at night. I wonder if that is bothering her. How can she do this to the family and have feel guilty? I really don't get it.