H has started an affair

[25yearsmlc]

So Starksy

Just have to ask. I don't know if you follow my situation or not.

I have given my W boundries maybe she saw them as ulitmatiums.


While I support Boundaries (and the book Starsky suggested, really is a good one)

the risk is always that it comes off as an ultimatum to the WAS. The risk is also, that it's how you intended it to be seen, meaning, YOU must watch yourself when you call something a "Boundary", when it really might just be an attempt to control your spouse.

Similarly, the line between "teaching them a lesson/punishing them" and truly just having self respect, can be a blurry shifting line. We always have to watch ourselves for that.

Personally, I had trouble with confusing my version of "Justice" with just me rationalizing being angry and trying to make my h pay for being "selfish and wrong".

For a minute, forget what's right and wrong. Instead, ask yourself what your GOAL is and whether the behavior or comment you want to do or make, will be effective in achieving that goal.

DB 101----Div Busting really is about doing what works, and Doing None or Less of what doesn't work.




Basically, no marriage with me as long as you have AP. You will have to leave the house if you are engaged with AP which she did.

So, boundries ignored, she files for D.


Clearly it's not an effective strategy to simply assert a boundary AND then show zero change on your end, IF that is what can be said.

Plus, most WAS's will NOT return to a marriage they left - unless they believe the marriage can be different/better than before.

It's the job of the LBS to demonstrate that it can be better/different than before, which is shown by the changes seen in you.

Needless to say, not easy. But it's also not complicated.

In her mind, Why should she stop the A, if the only "cost" to it, is the loss of a marriage she already wants out of?

What is it that you would withdraw that she's not already giving up to see the OM?

I don't mean this to offend, but to demonstrate that boundaries (AND OR ultimatums) are just words - unless there's a new different re/action or behavior that comes with a violation.

And if you come across as harsh or judgmental, it's easily interpreted as meaning she has burned too many bridges so there's no turning back for her. You cannot behave as if forgiveness is impossible YET you must also GAL

Ultimatums are frowned upon in DBing mostly b/c they usually fail

AND OR b/c they come off as controlling.

So if you were to say to your wife, "Do not have an affair or else..." And then she did have an affair, what then? Or else what?

Are you going to leave her, or file for divorce or fight custody or what? (I'm not suggesting those, just asking as examples). I oppose ultimatums in general b/c they tend to put the person who issued it, in a corner.

Don't issue an ultimatum for something you are not totally comfortable enforcing.

So, in this situation, what other boundry can I exert? My answer I suspect is nothing, just accept what it is and move on.

Correct?

^^ hence the difficulty of this situation and the risk of ultimatums.

I'd say this:

you want a "game plan", correct? That means you need a GOAL, and a plan to achieve that goal. But the goal cannot simply be to reconcile with your wife.

Sounds sad and harsh, I know. But this^^ is ALL about you wanting something you cannot necessarily ever have. For now, I think you must forget her. Assume she's in the Australian back country and cannot be reached.

The goal FOR NOW must be exclusively about your own growth as a man. Becoming the best man you can become. DEFINE that in specific terms you understand. COUNTER her negatives of you, with the new positives. So if you were once perpetually late, you become MR PUNCTUAL and arrive on time or early for everything.

Sure, there are tougher traits and flaws you have and must work on, but my point is the same. She has negative images of you, (which may be valid!) But valid or not, they can be changed. The change has to come from you and that's why your plans must be - for lack of a better term, "Self centered". Dig deep.

This may mean taking better care of your body to look better, or to get some anger management or it may mean being a better listener, all of which can still be done without pursuit!

Get some "mantras" or inspiring quotes for yourself, and SAY them out loud to yourself several times a day.

Turn your marriage over to God, (or the universe or Life force, etc) to free yourself to just work on YOU.

Behave in healthy confident ways and eventually, you will FEEL healthier and more confident. In TIME, your life will improve.

The improved life you create for yourself must and will be enough for you.

What your wife does or believed about the new wonderful you, is far beyond your control.
Any efforts on your end to affect that, are for nothing. They are wasted energy.

That energy (the energy spent on worrying about her OR in trying to convince her of anything about you) is a waste of energy.

Spend ALL of your energy on becoming the best man you can become. The reality of who you become, will suffice. It MUST suffice. Her opinions will be out of your control and thus must be released.

If she believes you are a purple lesbian from Mars, you may not be able to change that belief - but you cannot let it change the reality that - you are a man with great qualities.

In time, Her beliefs will NOT be based on reality, her "data" about you will be false.

That fact that you become a better man and great husband (for someone) has to be enough for you. Because it is real.

If you keep in touch with her family or other mutual friends, word will get back to her. NO need to spend any energy on wondering what she might hear/think or feel.

THAT^^ is all you ought to "do", b/c it happens to align with your goal of becoming the best man you can become. NOT to win her back but b/c you want to self actualize.


The effort to change HER behavior, and to understand her and to make her understand (anything) that you love her, is ALL for nothing at this time.

Worse, it's actually counter productive.

It means your energy is "outward bound" instead of being about YOUR own growth and YOUR Changes.

You'll keep checking in with her to "See if she knows that I feel X" and you'll keep on checking her temperature to see if "she knows Y and Z" and you'll strategize about what to wear or how to word a sentence and your energy will continue to hone in only on HER reactions to your behavior.

That is no way to live, and it sure won't re-attract her to you. If it worked, it would have by now.

Go inward for the changes you need to make, and outward to GAL.

Get her off your radar screen...for now and the foreseeable future.

Turn the marriage over to God, & simply completely take charge of your own life.

When you become the best man you truly can be, and you know it,

then you can turn ALL of this over to God, let the cards fall where they will,

and be at peace.

From this day forward, Hold your head high and live your life well.