uR .... yeah that pretty much describes it, warp speed in some spots and turtle movements in others.
Just thought I would journal a bit ... avoiding this pile of papers on my desk.
This week has been interesting, testing in new areas from W ... not sure if they are on purpose of of the subconscious variety ... either way I think I have handled them better this week. Seems to be in 2 separate areas
Monday she had a Dr appt, this Dr is her IC/massage/life coach type person. From what I have shared seems to be good for W at this time. W told me the apt was from 6-7, and she would be home about 7:30. The last issue we had about W being late we got into it a little bit, she tossed out the "You'll never trust me again" card .. I simply pointed out in our hmwk book the suggested keys to "Trustful Behaviors" and #2 was "Call when you are going to be late" ... I told her I do not need to know where she is every second as she suggested, in fact she could come and go as she wishes .... this behavior however does not earn trust ... but out of my control to be honest. Later when she calmed down she did apologize. So around 7 she TM that she messed up, the appt was running till 7:30 and she would be home around 8. My ears perked up a bit (Dr office is near OMs area) but I again reminded myself ... out of my control no need to get worked up, S and I had fun playing, wrestling and playing uncle (NTS never play this again, he is getting strong) W arrived home and I was PMA ... she immediately showed me some items the Dr gave her, like she had to prove she was in fact there the whole time (I did later see an email receipt of her payment transaction that put my mind to ease) Tuesday night (last night) ... she had another errand to run, said she could do it next week, I told her just take care of it now as the trip is coming and these free days are going to go by fast. Again .. said she would be home by 7:30 ... some things happened and did not get in till 8 or so. Telling me all about it ... again like she is proving herself. I did catch a TM with the 'friend' they were planning on meeting so he could give her a map for our trip. She told me all about her day but never mentioned anything about this ... Mind-reading here, I think she avoids telling me much about him to avoid any fights/issues. I'm not to thrilled with this 'friendship' given the OM/A but on the positive side, she is no longer deleting this stuff. We talked a bit in bed and went to sleep. I was satisfied I did not react to her coming in late twice ... would have been easy for me to go nuts ... I give myself a 180 and a golf clap
The second area ... one I have been thinking about off and on for the year I have been here is the respect issue. I feel like over a long period of time I lost respect for myself, and in turn W had little respect for me. Maybe its just something I am focused on currently but it has been towards the front of my thinking ... earning respect back. I took yesterday off, had a Dr appt and decided to use the rest of the day to get things done. DMV, moved some clothes into 'our' place. Pulled some things out of storage and into the garage. Took almost all my culinary stuff and went through the kitchen getting things in order. This prompted me to clean out the freezer and the fridge. Enter MLC crazy here, there were some wicked things in that fridge!! I kid you not ... one of her health smoothies, cup and all ... like 2 sips in the freezer along with 2 half eaten bagels from what I could tell .. 1954. Anyways ... got it all cleaned out and did some laundry while I was at it. W comes home, shares her day and all that ... we put S down and she still needs to put her stuff away and get her food together for the next day, she opens the fridge and a "Wow, this is awesome" erupts from the kitchen. I was in the MBR at the time, she comes in and I smile, "Like that do ya?" I asked ... then her reply was "Yeah you are an excellent housewife" .... I did not care for this at all .. did not blow up or anything but yeah .. it rubbed me wrong, grabbed the dog and walked as per my 180. Got back and decided its to late to get into anything I let it go. This morning W got up to join me for a walk, she did most the talking but cracked on me again .. this time about getting old and hearing loss (I received something in the mail about hearing due to my job) telling me my AARP card was soon to follow. Again ... its another crack on me. I kept walking until she said another comment about making sure I had dinner hot n ready tonight. I stopped and very very calmly told her I was really starting to tire of the 'shots' I brought them up each individually, and how I felt they were disrespectful. She got defensive as she typically does when confronted, said she was joking, I pointed out that the jokes were all at my expense and I did not appreciate them, one here or there yeah its a joke, but consistently lately this seems to be a trend, one I will not just stand there taking the constant criticisms. I was calm, not upset ... just felt I needed to set that boundary. She was upset .. I let her be, jumped in the shower then started ironing my shirt getting ready for work. She did com in and apologize, understood where I was coming from and told me its her mother, its how she was .. and I was right to call her out on it, something she will work on.
I am thinking about this ... just felt its something I needed to do, is it a big issue, no... but I just feel like if I continue to allow it its a loss of respect for myself, and W will not respect me if I continue to keep taking it ... this is old M stuff that I do not want to relive any longer. I might be missing something deeper here ... not sure.
