Ok .. so you hit on a good one ... internalized emotions.
A few months ago I was in a session with a group of people and this was brought up. Ironically was after a session my W and I had where she told me she was shocked I even had feelings and emotions. As boys .... what were we taught? Don't cry because it shows weakness, do not act out..throw a fit.. tantrum.. all those things show weakness. We were taught these things not only from our fathers, but from other males throughout our life. So as you said, we swallow these things and it builds and builds like a volcano. For me, part of it was this^^^ another issue was conflict avoidance, being Mr Fix it ... not just around the house but with the relationship ... W was not happy about the back being dirty I would immediately crank up the pressure washer and bust my a$$ cleaning it thinking .. ok that should make her happy then she will love me ... never happened ... over time I just became Mr Do All and received Nadda. This lead to resentment and passive aggressive behavior.
See what I did there? I listed out who I was, how I got there, and what resulted from it. To change you really need to get to the root of the issue. "Being a better person" ... for me meant figuring out who I was and why ... then I could figure out what to change. Like you I allowed others to control what I did ... so I went about my life for a few months selfishly. Talk about a 180!! First step for me in this area was ... I took a weekend to myself, signed up for a motorcycle class. Met early, we did the written and riding portions that weekend. I went to DMV and got my Motorcycle licensee ... something I always wanted to do but allowed people to tell me no. This was for ME. Was seriously out of character ... doing something solely for yourself when you have made everyone else a priority is a very uncomfortable thing. Later on ... I bought a Harley ... my Birthday present to myself. I will never forget it, once I signed the papers all the sales people and employees cranked up a Harley, rev'd em, honked horns, customers all clapped and applauded as I was welcomed into the family ... I had tears ... was up there for me because I finally broke free and was my own man ... first time in my life at 42 years old.
I am not saying go out and buy a bike, .... but I am saying you need to make some goals and list how you will get there. Remember .. these are about YOU ... things in your control. I had about 4 key areas I worked on .. little by little ... took a solid year but I really made some serious changes and improvements and continue to do so. The big picture of this is .. .your W needs to respect you but its impossible when you have lost that respect for yourself, that self esteem, mojo, all that you have slowly lost over the years ...doing what you just admitted "I let their actions dictate mine. I have spent much of my life trying to keep everyone around me happy at the expense of my mental health."
Get that Goal list going .. post it here so we can help you stay at it.
