I'm not as close to D-day as you were Cali or perhaps you are Heavy, but I definitely have that the legal D is what the W feels she needs to be in control and allow her to heal herself. She has to cut all cords to me and the M.
It is very hard to balance acceptance, loss of control, and hope. I see you as at that point where hope is mostly loss. Cali was there and got surprised. Don't know about either of us. Makes one a bit crazy.
Hang in there. We'll keep supporting each other and talking each other down.
Honestly ... the last round of D.... I was more about me at that time, decided that W and the M no longer defined who I was anymore .. that was the old me. I wanted W to be happy and accepted D was most likely the only way I could remove myself as the source of all her unhappiness as that's where she directed it to I was as detached from W for a solid 3-4 months as I ever had been and I felt good about who I was and where I was going. It was during the mediation meetings I received a few TM telling me she was sorry for blaming me for everything, I chalked this up as her way of dealing with the guilt and nothing more, then later learned W was discovering the same issues we had were now in her A proving to her it was not just me but her issues and faults followed her. A month later W told me she no longer wanted a D, and wanted to work on the M, realized that many of our issues she had a hand in....to be honest .. took me a month or so to really think about it and even then I was not so sure I wanted back on that merry-go-round. Was not the kind of 'surprise' you would think ... I realize most here would jump at that chance but I dropped the rope, was moving on and had my new life somewhat plotted out. As a few vets here predicted it was my choice if I wanted a new relationship at that time. I think this is where MLC and the WAW/WW differ somewhat, it takes so long to get to, by the time the MLCr does actually have a sense of reality and comes to the conclusion they truly want the M (if they ever do), the LBS is so far ahead of them, there actually does have to be some deep thought and new soul searching.
Heavy thing is .. .D or not ... you have kids, there will always be interactions ... and like I said, one can not just toss out 20 years, she is in crisis and my advice is to live your live, detach and love from afar, pray she figures out what put her into this crisis to begin with and sorts all that out, this will be done by her without you really knowing what is going on. I do not think your sitch is over, but like mine I think D is what she needs to redirect all that hurt and pain, hopefully she figures out like mine its nothing to do with you .... be the lighthouse.
