H has started an affair

[Painter]

Hi Anna,

I'm sorry to see you here - but it sounds like you are a strong person with a lot of self-control, and that will serve you well through this trial!

My situation was that I knew about an EA, then suspected a PA, but only got proof of the PA after H said he ended it. However, there were a lot of lies and uncertainty around it, so not sure of the timelines exactly. (BTW, did you take a screen shot of their chat and e-mail it to yourself? Document evidence of the A whenever you can!)

A couple of factors that I think were important for H's decision to end the A and work on our relationship, was that I didn't give up on our M. I told him early on that I thought it was worth saving and I wanted to get past the A. He also realized there were some very real practical consequences to splitting up after I saw a L (he had seen one without my knowledge but had not presented the facts, so the advice he got was worthless).

It sounds to me like your H is very confused and upset with himself for the mess he has made. I believe that his advances to you - the hug and the kiss - is to test if you are willing to take him back. Perhaps not to see if he can have his cake and eat it, too, but to check if he has burned all bridges.

He may also be thinking about that you will be spending some days away together (at a wedding, no less!) and he's trying to create some kind of connection so the trip will not be awkward (in his mind).

Here's what I would do: I would share brief hugs, I would respond to a kiss *if it felt natural and I wanted to* - but I would not ML until the A is ended and after a clean bill of health from H. The thinking is that I would want to show him that I had feelings for him and wanted to save the M, and to build a connection and distract him from the OW, but also that I had self-respect and cannot ML with my H while he is seeing another woman.

I think this approach is supported by Michele's concept that what you do is what you create. Meaning, if you act lovingly and close and spend time together, loving feelings will grow. If you stay distant and avoid each other, distance will grow and the love will die.

You have the gift of time - he is there, he sees you, he sees his family, and he notices his children's reaction. Personally, I would tell him clearly that I would be willing to try to save the M, that many, many couples get past an A, but that he needs to end it, and there will be no real M until he ends the A.

Then I would do all the things you have mentioned - bring your old self back, become more independent (which will serve you well regardless), find child care solutions (you may have to), etc.

It sounds to me as if one of the issues you may have is that your work schedules don't allow you to spend much time together? He is off during the day and watches the children while you are at work, but he also works? At nights? When did you spend time together, and did you at all without children if you don't have a sitter?

These are things I would work on developing, so that if you reconcile, you can spend time together. You should get a sitter and he should get a day job. He needs to get away from the OW anyway.

Best wishes!!!