I sure hope im doing the detach right. I realize this is only the 16th day ive been taking DB seriously. The detaching is working for me but the W seems miles away and has not said anything about me being detached. She seems to like the fact that I am not around much. I know you guys know what you are talking about so im staying the course.
Im feeling ok today but not as good as yesterday. Im still so worried about all of this and hope that something good comes from it.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
I read a post yesterday and I cant seem to find it again. The poster was saying that he has not read any stories on here where the WAW came back. Is this really the case? I haven't looked for such a story but I find it hard to believe that there are none.
If there are not such stories here on this site then I want to be the first. Obviously, I don't know what is going to happen in my M but I like to think that we will eventually reconcile.
Like I said before, the detach seems to be causing my W to further distance herself. I guess this is normal. It just seems like such a weird way to bring someone back.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Any advise on keeping hope alive? I am doing well with detaching so far but the more I detach the more hopeless I feel. I don't want to accept that this sit may end in divorce. I cant get myself do accept that yet.
I don't know how to keep hope alive. I am also scared of hope. If I get too hopeful im afraid I will try to talk to her. If don't have any hope I feel terrible.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
I read a post yesterday and I cant seem to find it again. The poster was saying that he has not read any stories on here where the WAW came back. Is this really the case? I haven't looked for such a story but I find it hard to believe that there are none.
No, that is not true! I have stuck around for a little over eight years and although I am not good remembering names, I can tell you there have been several couples to reconcile. Hey, I am one of them! Starsky, Bond, 25yrsmlc, Greek & Coach, Robx, and many more that I can't remember their poster name at the moment. Just b/c you may not find their stories, does not mean it was not successful. My story isn't under "Another Divorce Busted", either.
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If there are not such stories here on this site then I want to be the first.
I love that attitude!
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I sure hope im doing the detach right. I realize this is only the 16th day ive been taking DB seriously. The detaching is working for me but the W seems miles away and has not said anything about me being detached. She seems to like the fact that I am not around much. I know you guys know what you are talking about so im staying the course.
Remember, the detaching is really about attitude. It is within yourself. You will have up and down days, but keep at it.
At first, you will probably see her enjoying not having your presence smothering her, and you not pressuring her to stay in the M. She thinks she's getting what she wants. Most WW/WAW's want their privacy and freedom. It is important that you don't show a gloom & doom face around her. Be nonchalant and act as if you are fine. Work that calendar and make a point to be out of the house GAL (as much as you can).
You will feel that your W is getting further away from you. That's how it often works. Don't panic. The point is for her to actually get away far enough to see some reality of what her life without you would be. Right now, she has a fantasy idea, and she needs to experience the reality. In order for this to happen, you can't hold onto the rope you have around her. Let it go and let her fall. It doesn't mean you'll not have a future with her. Letting her go emotionally is what you have to do, if you want any hope of getting her back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just caught up a bit on your sitch ..... just going to throw this out there, its all about your fears, your dreams, W ... hope .. all that .... guess what part you have missed?
What are you doing GAL wise? What goals have you made for yourself. Have you thought about any 180's that you can do?
DBing is not solely about detaching, and I will tell you this.... if you just attempt to detach without GAL, its going to be tough. As far as the dreams go, man .. I have had some of those and can realte .. still have them to be honest. I was told that dreams are just your brains way of processing information ... not good or bad, just something that needs to be done.
As far as hope, success stories ... there are a few .. I think Mozza had a list going at one point. When I first came here I too would search, and could not understand why if someone actually saved their M why they would not continue to post and help others .... I have been back with my W for a couple months now, working things out .. slowly ... I can see why the success story types might opt to only touch base here now and then.... reading the hurts and pains constantly is tough, its like feeling that open wound at times all over again .... just my guess on why you do not see more of those types post more often.
Regardless of the M, this is about you right now. What are YOU doing, new GALs? Goals? Focus more on you ... ya know .. the ONE person you actually can control YOU ... less on her.
First of all thank you for the advise and encouragement.
I quit doing a lot of things that I enjoyed when we moved to Georgia 10 years ago. Before that I was a piano player in the Fort Lauderdale Miami area with a very successful band. We played all the hot clubs in the area and I made a name for myself as the go to piano player.
When we moved I felt lost and I became a bit of a recluse. I tried in vain rebuild a new group but nothing seemed to click.
As far as GAL, I have been playing a lot of golf. This is something that I enjoyed in the past and never took time to do. I relaxes me and allows me the alone time I need. It is also great exercise.
I just recently decided to "come out of retirement" as a piano player. I got a piano job on Tuesday nights starting in September. Not with a band. It will be like your basic piano bar job. Taking request and making people happy. I started playing at the clubs when I was 17 and now at 39 I feel like im kind of old to be doing music jobs.
My friends have been trying to talk me into this for years so im going to do it.
As far as goals, I just want to be a better person. I want to be a better father, and ultimately I want to put my family back together.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
As far as goals, I just want to be a better person. I want to be a better father, and ultimately I want to put my family back together.
Back burner that last one, just like your W its out of your control right now right?
So, lets look at #1 and #2. What are you going to do to achieve this .... its easy to say "I want to be a better person" but how are you going to go about this?
I have said this a few times ... I created a list ... 3 actually #1 was things I liked about myself, #2 things I did'nt, #3 things I admired in other men. Slowly and one by one I started to remove items from #2 and replace them with #3's ... creating Cali 2.0. Might do you well to create your own list.
The Piano thing is good .. that's who you are, a part of you. I think the LBHs sometimes lose themselves over time, we lose those parts of ourselves who made us who we were, losing that is in a sense losing the attraction that our WW/WAW had for us. Its the confidence these things gave us .... losing that is alot like Austin Powers losing his mojo. Does not matter if you go back to that same well, or discover your mojo in something new ... as long as you find it, it will help rebuild your sense of self worth/confidence/esteem. As far as the 'to old' thing .. I feel ya, I still DJ in the club on Friday nights ... used to be 3 nights a week for about 10 years. I am leaning on retiring (again 3rd time) but it is still fun, I still pack the place and people look at me with teh WTF look when I share I feel I am 'to old for this chit' .... thing is no one cares, as long as you are doing your thing and you are good at it ... its good for you.
As far as goals, I just want to be a better person. I want to be a better father, and ultimately I want to put my family back together.
This is all way too general. What does "be a better person" mean? How are you going to KNOW if you have achieved it?
In DR, MWD talks about golfers aiming for the hole. You dont aim at the hole, you aim at a spot 3 feet away and know that if you hit that spot it's going to go in.
So your ultimate goals, be a better dad, be a better person, etc are fine to be "the hole". But you need to better define that path.
For example - a better person maybe to you means more friendly. So you want to try to start conversations with people at work, say hi to people as you walk by them, engage with your kids about things, etc. Or maybe more generous, so you tip better, or volunteer at a local food shelter. And so on.
As Cali said, make list(s) and define what you want and how youll know if you achieved it.
